What is Sexual Ambivalence?
Have you ever said yes to something you weren’t sure about? Or “no” to something you wanted to do? What happens in the context of sexual activity? If so, you have experienced sexual ambivalence!
It was created in 1998the term sexual ambivalence refers to engaging in a sexual behavior that is both desirable and undesirable. Please note that the terms “sexual activity” and “sexual behavior” used in this blog can refer to anything of a sexual nature – not just full contact!
Although this concept has been around for a while, researchers are still learning more about sexual ambivalence and its role in sexual experiences. Partly because there is so much nuance to it – whether or not someone wants to engage in a sexual activity may not even be clear to the person at the moment and can depend on many factors.
Sexual ambivalence versus consent
Before we get into the context of the different elements that can play a role in sexual ambivalence, it is important to understand the difference between sexual ambivalence and consent. Most of us assume that desire and consent go hand in hand, but that’s not always the case. Understanding the difference between them matters more than you think.
Let’s break it down:
Sexual ambivalence describes an experience where a sexual intercourse feels desirable to both and unwanted at the same time. It is not a constant feeling. it exists on a continuum and can shift during an encounter. One can start out feeling one way and end up feeling completely different!
Consent it is simply the act of agreeing to engage in a behavior. Firm, affirmative consent is clear and enthusiastic. Ultimately, it’s a decision, not a feeling.
Thus, one may want to engage in a sexual experience but not consent to it. Without consent, the engagement will be considered sexual violence. But if that person doesn’t want to do it, but consents (without coercion and of their own free will), that’s not sexual violence.
So, in summary, what happens when these don’t match?
You can want a sexual experience but non-consent in this → this is sexual violence, period.
You can consent in sexual experience without complete absent this → this is not sexual violence.
It’s easy to confuse the two because they both involve making decisions about sexual activity, but it’s important to recognize them as different concepts. If you want to know more about making sexual decisions, check out our certification programs!
Factors in Want and Unwant
Often, people hold what they want and don’t want about a sexual behavior at the same time – and many different factors are involved.
Sexual Ambivalence and Reproductive Rights
Unfortunately, the decision to have sex can be related to the impact of political decisions on individual lives. Although research on sexual ambivalence is still covering all the details, some evidence suggests that systemic factors play a role. In the United Stateslimited access to contraceptives and the overall erosion of reproductive rights may contribute to this, particularly for those designated as female at birth.
Think about what’s really at stake: the risk of an unwanted pregnancy, the possibility of not having access to an abortion, the uncontrollable pain of endometriosis or other conditions that birth control helps treat. Any of these realities can make someone want to engage in sexual activity less, not because of how they feel about their partner or because of the sexual behavior, but because of the political climate they live in.
Sexual ambivalence and sexual health
A common source of sexual ambivalence may stem from concern about physical consequences, such as the fear of sexually transmitted infection. It is intuitive that these concerns could cause one to stop even when this desire exists. The wrinkle, however, is that sexual ambivalence has also been linked to sexual risk behavior such as not using a condom. So the relationship between sexual ambivalence and attention is more nuanced than it first appears, and researchers don’t yet have a clear story about why this happens.
Engaging in sexual activity also requires trusting that the other person will respect your boundaries and not push things further than you are comfortable with. This degree of vulnerability is not easy for everyone. Research has found a significant relationship between sexual ambivalence and a history of sexual violence victimization. When someone has been hurt in a context that required the same trust, hesitation about future sexual activity can follow.
Sexual Ambivalence and Relationship Health
It’s not always about the act itself. Sometimes, people desire certain outcomes or aspects of sex (intimacy, closeness, connection), but not necessarily the physical activity that comes with it. This can lead to sexual ambivalence!
It can also be a way of navigating the mismatch of desire in a relationship. The research we have, although not always recent, tells us This sexual ambivalence could be how some people bridge the gap when their level of desire doesn’t match their partner’s, avoiding the tension or conflict that this type of mismatch tends to bring.
Bottom line: I want some pieces but not the whole picture it may be her own path to sexual ambivalence.
Suggestions for sexual health professionals
Ambivalence and consent are not the same thing: Understanding the distinction can help sexual health professionals recognize when a client may be describing something that amounts to sexual coercion or violence, even if the client has not called it that.
Carefully review the trauma history: Given the potential relationship between sexual ambivalence and past sexual violence victimization, a client disclosing ambivalence can provide an entry point for broader discussions about safety, trust, and the impact of past experiences.
Don’t assume reluctance means indifference: one may truly desire sexual connection while still feeling reluctant to pursue it. These are not contradictory. they often coexist!
Access factors and risk concerns: For some clients, ambivalence is rooted in practical fears of pregnancy or STDs. Directly addressing these concerns, such as through training, resources, or referrals, can be part of the job.
Consider relationship dynamics: Discrepancy of desire between partners can fuel ambivalence. Exploring how a customer feels about this gap could be insightful.
Keep the survey light: the evidence base is still developing and much of it is dated. Clinical judgment and the client’s own account are more important than any single study.
Do you want to become an in-demand sexual health professional? Learn more about SHA certification!
