At this stage, it is also important to take stock of the personal harm the diet has caused. When I work with clients, we often spend time exploring their personal history with dieting, discussing what they did to lose weight in the past, how their body changed and for how long, and how they felt when they dieted. It’s one thing to know on a rational level that diets don’t work. It is another thing to know from personal experience.
That said, I think it’s just as important (if not more so!) to address the emotions at play here, namely fear. If we’ve learned anything from the last few years of politics, it’s that people don’t always act on facts and that the fear of losing their place in society can be intense. That’s why I think it’s important to deal with these strong feelings so you can make more informed decisions about how you want to nourish and care for your body.
Part of this includes eliminating the fear of gaining weight. Yes, weight stigma is very real and very painful. And at the same time, part of that fear stems from the lie that we’re being sold that you can’t be happy if you’re in a bigger body, which is absolutely not the case. You can get rid of this internalized fatphobia by seeing people who identify as fat having fun, dressing in cute clothes, having great relationships, and professional success. Some off the top of my head that I recommend are Virgi Tovar, Jessica Torresmall, Sophie Hagen, Emily Ho (love her style!), and Mirna Valerio. This would also be a good time to engage in activities or work in therapy to separate your worth from the scale.
Anger
Another emotion you may experience when processing physical grief is anger. We are taught that anger is a negative emotion, especially for women, but it is actually a very important part of the healing process. It is also one super valid emotion to experience in response to lipophobia and diet culture. Most of us, regardless of size, have been taught that smaller bodies are more worthy than larger ones, pressured to engage in physically and mentally unhealthy behaviors to manipulate our body size, lied to about the health benefits and sustainability of said weight loss , and blamed if our body was not able to comfort itself in narrow standards. This should piss you off!
If you are in the anger phase of physical grief, it can be helpful to let yourself really feel that anger and express it, either through journaling, venting to a friend, or doing something to physically release the anger, such as screaming into a pillow (or just screaming!) or tearing up paper. I even had a customer swear by going to a Smash Room where you can safely smash things like plates, bottles and old electronics!
One place where I see people get stuck in this phase is when the anger is misdirected at themselves. Remember, it’s the nutrition industry that deserves your anger, not you or your body. Even if we knew with 100% certainty that your body is bigger because of something you did, and you still don’t deserve to be blamed. You did what you were taught to do – diet and restrict, and your body did what it’s supposed to do when it’s starving: slow the metabolism, store calories, and increase hunger cues. Your body was just trying to protect you.
Negotiation
In the negotiation phase, you may find new reasons to engage in restrictive behaviors. You may diet/restrict but tell yourself it’s about health not weight or try to lose weight before you start eating intuitively (ps this is a very common thing I hear, so much so that I wrote a blog post about it!) .
This phase is all about avoidance and fear, because giving up dieting and restrictions is incredibly scary. Of course you would haggle and try to find a way around it! When you are in this phase, I encourage you to think of ways you can create a sense of security. This could look like:
Creating or finding a community of people who are not involved in food culture.
Identifying limiting behaviors that you feel you can let go and give yourself permission to hold others back (hopefully while still aiming to eat consistently and adequately throughout the day!). This may sound strange, but intuitive eating is often the process of slowly letting go of dieting behaviors while still clinging to others. Here are some ideas for baby steps to intuitive eating. You don’t have to make peace with ALL foods. Allow yourself to be where you need to be right now to maintain a sense of safety while still challenging yourself to take steps toward healing.
Body image therapy with your therapist.
Engage in practices that help you feel safe in your body. This is different for everyone, but can include yoga, meditation/deep breathing, physical processing techniquesor wearing more comfortable clothes.
Setting boundaries that protect you from diet culture and lipophobia.
Depression
There is a lot of understandable sadness when you realize that losing weight is very likely not possible or would require more than you are willing to give. Letting go of the fantasy of who you will be and what life will be like after losing weight can feel like losing a real person.
I think a lot of this depression stems from feeling like the goals, hopes, and dreams that you’ve set aside for “once I lose the weight” suddenly feel off limits. If you think you can only be in a happy relationship in a smaller body, that’s depressing. If you think that you can only wear trendy clothes that you live with a smaller body, it is also depressing. If you’ve been told that the only way to be healthy and feel good is in a smaller body, again, that’s depressing.
There can be some very real negative consequences of weight gain (anti-fat is a real thing), and yet many fears about what happens after weight gain are not based in reality, but rather in the myths and stereotypes we’ve been sold . Working with a therapist or anti-diet nutritionist to help discern these things and challenge these myths can be helpful.
At the end of the day, if you’re feeling down, let yourself be down. Find people you can talk to who understand. It’s okay to feel these feelings and let them pass!
Acceptance
Acceptance is a place where you come to terms with your body here and now. It’s not necessarily a place where you look in the mirror and love what you see, like body positivity on Instagram makes it out to be (although it’s pretty cool if you get to that place!). There may be a part of you that wishes your body was different and is still in a place of acceptance. The difference is that you respect it, care for it, and commit to not harming it.
I would like to say that once you get there, you are there, but acceptance is a place you will slip in and out of. You may be in a place of acceptance and then your body changes or you experience a trigger event that puts you back into an active grieving process.
One thing I like to talk about with clients who are in a place of acceptance is how they can make their body feel like home. Here is a blog post I wrote about turning your body into a warm space for yourself.
If you are experiencing physical grief…
If you are experiencing any of these feelings, I hope this post helps you feel more normal and less alone in what you are feeling. While the process of letting go of dieting and restriction can be painful, difficult and scary, there is also so much joy and liberation on the other side.
If you struggle with body grief, contact us! We work with clients individually helping them to cultivate a healthier relationship with food and their bodies and aim to create a space where you can process the emotions that arise from physical grief. Learn more about our practice here. Also, a big thank you to To Feed and Brie Campos, whose work inspired this publication. I also want to point you to another post from Meredith Noble for that matter, which is also fantastic!
This post about body grief was originally published in April 2018. It has been updated to bring you the best possible content.
