Many of us are caught in what I call “The approach/avoidance dance.” We think we have found someone to love and things are going well. Then suddenly they start to distance themselves. They may pick a fight or slowly drift apart, but just when the relationship starts to feel good, the other person starts moving in the other direction. But as soon as you try to give them space, they start coming back and acting like they want to hold you and never let you go. It can be crazy construction.
As a psychotherapist who has worked with individuals and couples for over fifty years, this pattern is all too familiar. I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Laura Dabney about her new book, I Need You… Now Go!: Reclaiming Your Life When Someone You Love Has a Personality Disorder. You can see the interview here.
I asked Dr. Dabney questions that I thought would be very helpful to my readers and those who follow my periodic podcasts:
- When did you first decide to go to medical school and what did you hope to do when you first became a doctor?
- What first drew you to psychiatry?
- Tell us about your current practice and how it has evolved?
- Tell us about your new book. When did you first decide to write it and why?
- What is the root cause of these difficult behavior patterns?
- What do people need to know to find true lasting love?
Many people have heard of the term “Personality Disorder” but don’t really know what it is. According to the Cleveland Clinic,
“Personality disorders are a group of ten mental health conditions that involve long-term, disruptive patterns of thinking, behavior, mood, and relating to others.”
They include:
- Paranoid personality disorder
- Schizoid personality disorder
- Schizotypal personality disorder
- Antisocial personality disorder
- Borderline personality disorder
- Histrionic personality disorder
- Narcissistic personality disorder
- Avoiding personality disorder
- Dependent personality disorder
- Obsessive compulsive personality disorder
Names are often scary and confusing to people. Dr. Dabney has extensive experience helping real people in the real world. It offers guidance in this mysterious world and dispels the fears often associated with these labels.
She says many people find themselves in the same painful relationship patterns – choosing the wrong partners, repeating the same arguments or feeling misunderstood over and over again. These struggles are not about bad luck or flaws, but about inherited distorted patterns of intimacy that have stuck over time.
Psychiatry sometimes calls these “personality disorders,” a term that can sound scary or offensive. In fact, names simply indicate long-term ways of relating that can undermine the very relationships we desire. And that’s true no matter what side of the problem you think you’re dealing with: either disrupting closeness or struggling with someone else’s annoying behavior. The good news is that change is possible.
With the right therapeutic guidance, people can recognize their patterns, learn healthier ways to connect, and ultimately experience the lasting intimacy they long for.
“If you’ve noticed the same struggles repeating themselves, know this,” says Dr. Dabney. “Change is not only possible, it is possible.”
You can learn more about Dr. Dabney and her work at:
I have a similar understanding and approach to working with people like Dr. Dabney. Although diagnosing mental illness in humans can be helpful. There are also disadvantages. I have found it much more helpful to recognize that we can help people without labeling them.
I describe my approach in several of my popular books, including: Looking for love in all the wrong places and The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformational Stages of Relationships and Why the Best Is Yet to Come. I also have classes available as well as private counseling for individuals and couples.
You can learn more about me and my work at Come visit me there.
