While I think everyone deserves it, I hate self-pity. It seems like everyone should want compassion for themselves, and yet I don’t want to give it to myself. I realize how counterintuitive this is (especially for someone with mental health). It’s complicated why I feel this way, but I feel it very strongly. If you hate the idea of self-compassion or wonder why anyone else would, read on.
What is self-compassion?
I don’t need to know the official meaning of self-pity to hate it. Just the fluffy idea of being nice to myself is enough to make me reflexively dislike myself. However, I think looking at the definition of self-compassion is helpful:
“Self-compassion was recently defined by Kristin Neff (2003) as having three interrelated components that emerge during times of pain and failure. Each component has two parts, the presence of one construction and the negation of another. These three concepts are: (a) being kind and self-understanding rather than self-critical, (b) seeing one’s error as part of the larger human condition and experience rather than in isolation, and (c) holding one’s painful thoughts and feelings into conscious awareness rather than avoiding or over-identifying with them.’
There are other definitions of self-compassion, of course (cf more here), but the above is useful because it provides almost a road map to what self-compassion is and is not.
I hate self-pity
But like I said, I feel this hatred towards the concept of self-compassion. I don’t hate other people who show self-pity. I hate it for myself. And that’s because I have an inner sergeant. My sergeant is very important to my life and he is very against compassion.
My inner sergeant is what keeps me going everyday. If it were up to all my illnesses, I would lay in bed all day, every day. That’s what depression wants, and my migraines and fatigue definitely add up and encourage the same behavior. But lying in bed doesn’t pay my mortgage.
My inner sergeant is the reason I’m writing this right now. That’s why I work for my clients. That’s why I do almost everything I do in my day. He’s the guy screaming in my head that makes it happen.
People often wonder how I can do what I do, considering how sick I am. It’s my inner drill sergeant that makes it happen. And self-compassion certainly doesn’t come into that equation.
(Please note that I’m not advocating the use of such an ugly drill sergeant. There are many disadvantages to having one so controlled. It’s just what I have in mind.)
This is why I hate self-pity
Self-pity—that nice and fluffy thing we’re supposed to do for ourselves—holds me back from doing what I need to do. It stands in the way of me making a living. It stands in the way of my survival. Self-pity feels like a weakness and a waste of time I can’t afford.
For example, right now, I also suffer from migraines, among other things. I know the kind and compassionate thing to do would be to allow rest. If it was anyone else, that’s what I would encourage. The thing is, I can’t do that. I’ve needed to rest because of the migraines so much lately that I’m behind on everything. Trust me, I’d like nothing better than to lie in bed with ice on my head right now. I just, literally, can’t afford for that to happen.
I may be wrong about hating self-pity
Yesterday, I watched a video about self-compassion and it got me thinking that I might be wrong to hate self-compassion. He talks about why self-compassion is good, not only from a psychological point of view but also from a scientific point of view. It aims to dispel about six self-compassion myths.
I encourage you to watch it below.
Well, now I’m trying to look at hating self-pity a little differently.
Reassessing self-compassion
If the science says that self-compassion is good and can actually improve aspects of not only your psychology, but also your life and productivity, it might be worth a second look. Maybe I can incorporate aspects of self-compassion into my life.
Here are the three concepts that are part of self-compassion and how I could apply them in my life, even if I have an inner drill sergeant telling me what to do:
- Being kind and understanding to yourself rather than being self-critical — I’m not good at being kind to myself. I have a lot of issues around this, I admit. That said, perhaps I can afford to be less self-critical. Maybe I can reframe my own mistakes in a gentler way. Maybe I can afford to beat myself up less when I fail.
- Seeing one’s error as part of the larger human condition and experience rather than in isolation — That’s what I’m better at. While I may not be overly polite when I make a mistake, I understand that I make it and my “mistake” is just humanity at work. While some mistakes are harder to deal with than others, mistakes are part of being alive.
- Holding one’s painful thoughts and feelings with awareness rather than avoiding or overidentifying with them — I think whoever wrote this was not depressed. I have found that “holding on” to my pain is incredibly harmful, not to mention endless. That said, avoiding things through unhealthy means (like, say, substance use) isn’t productive, and it’s helpful to remember that. It’s also worth remembering that while life can cause pain, we don’t have to bathe in it (overidentify with it).
There is much more to say about self-compassion, including examples of how one can apply it to one’s life.
That will have to wait for another post though. Until then, I’m off to look tries to be a little gentler on myself in a way.
I’m interested to know what you think about self-compassion, if you think it’s helpful, and how you see it in your life.
