Scott Galloway’s new book, Notes on being a man arrived yesterday My wife, Carlin, got it first. He had just seen an interview with Scott on the talk show, Thea. I had entered Thea when Barbara Walters hosted after my book was published, male menopause, and I really enjoyed the lively discussion. There was a similar commitment that I recognized when Scott was interviewed that I watched this morning. I thought Scott was especially vulnerable as he described the impact his absent father had on his life.
I have been following Scott’s work since 2022 when I read his book, Adrift: America in 100 Charts and was particularly interested in these charts:
- Marriage rates are at record lows
- Women value earning potential in male partners
- Male college enrollment at record lows
- Online dating apps are more unfair than almost anywhere on Earth
- Mass murder is a uniquely male crime
I have also followed his podcasts and newsletters, No mercy/No maliceand happy to see his growing interest in the plight of boys and men, which he credits to his colleague Richard Reeves, whom he calls “my Yoda on this subject.” I have long admired the work of Richard Reeves since reading his book in 1997, Dream Hoarders: How America’s Upper Middle Class is Leaving Everyone Else in the Dust, Why It’s a Problem, and What to Do About It.
When Reeve’s book, For Boys and Men: Why the Modern Man Struggles, Why It Matters, and What He Should Do, published in 2022 and founded by the American Institute on Boys and Men, I felt it was a real game changer in our work to improve the lives of men and their families.
When Reeves co-authored a book with Jonathan Juravich, the 2023 National Elementary Teacher of the Year, Yes boys can! Inspiring stories of men who changed the world, I I interviewed Reeves and Juravich for my podcast. I also wrote an article, “Men Can Heal: Bringing Men into the Jobs of the Future.”
My professional involvement in men’s work began after the birth of our son, Cemal, in 1969. When I held my little boy shortly after his birth, I promised myself that I would be a different father than my father could be to me, and that I would do all I could to help create a world where fathers were fully involved with their families throughout their lives. When our daughter, Angela, was born in 1972, it became increasingly clear to me that there were significant differences between men and women.
Talking and writing about gender differences has always been controversial. I struggled to find a publisher for my first book, Inside Out: Becoming My Own Man. Many editors have told me that “men don’t read health books.” Others told me that the personal stories I shared “were not fit for a professional to write.” I learned about self-publishing and started my own company, Fifth Wave Press. Eventually I got an offer from a reputable publishing house, but by then I decided I wanted to do it myself and the book was published in 1983.
Inside out was controversial from the beginning because I didn’t hold back from sharing my personal feelings and experiences. I described the challenges of growing up with an absent father and being raised by a mother who was obsessed with death. In the first chapter I described the fears that had driven me most of my life:
- My feelings will destroy me if I let them out.
- I will go crazy like my father.
- There is something dangerous and violent inside me waiting to destroy the people I love the most.
- Women will pretend to love me, but when they find out the truth about how messed up and weak I really am, they’ll leave me.
I also outlined what I called the Ten Commandments that guide me:
- You will not be weak, nor will you have weak gods before you.
- You will not let yourself down, nor fail like your father before you.
- You will not sanctify any day that denies your work.
- You should not express strong emotions, neither high nor low.
- You should not cry, complain or ask for help.
- You should not be hostile or angry with your loved ones, no matter how they treat you.
- You should not be uncertain or ambivalent.
- You will not be addicted.
- Now you will recognize your death or your limitations.
- Sy will do unto other people before they do unto you. It’s every man for himself.
The journey to heal old hurts and beliefs colored by trauma never ends. My children have been my greatest teachers. I was very fortunate to be part of a supportive group of men. My wife, Carlin, will tell you that one of the main reasons she feels we’ve had a successful marriage of forty-five years is because I’ve been in a group of men for forty-six years.
Scott Galloway, Richard Reeves and I come from different backgrounds and bring different experiences to what we think is important to know about boys and men. The only thing we have in common is what changed for us when our sons were born.
Scott presents his book, Notes on being a man these words:
“In 2007, late in life, I became a dad for the first time, watching nonstop as my son was born, I didn’t fall in love right away, though I soon did. Three years later, our second son was born. More unconditional love, which was overshadowed a few years later by worry about what I was seeing and hearing online and off.
Richard Reeves shares these words in his book, Boys and Men:
“I’ve been worried about boys and men for 25 years. This comes with the territory when you raise three boys, all grown men, George, Bryce, Cameron: I love you beyond measure. So even now, I sometimes worry about you. But my anxiety has spilled over into my day job… It’s become clear to me that there are men at work, at school and at school more and more. The family worried about three boys and young men.
In my book, 12 rules for good men, I shared more about the birth of our son, Cemal:
“When it was time for my wife to go into the delivery room, the nurse smiled and turned to me. ‘Okay Mr. Diamond, you can head to the waiting room and we’ll let you know when the baby arrives.’ I went in the other direction. But as I was about to push the doors, I heard my unborn child’s voice whisper in my ear. I turned and walked back down the hall. There was no question of leaving if I was asked I knew where I needed to be.”
I know the three of us feel blessed to be fathers and want to do everything we can to be the kind of men who will be worthy of this great gift of fatherhood. I’m glad we can share what we’ve learned with the world. More will follow. I write a new article every week. I invite you to join our community and subscribe to our free newsletter with love and life advice and articles that will introduce you to other friends and colleagues.
I appreciate your comments and feedback and read each one, although I don’t always have time to respond personally. You can always reach me at Jed@MenAlive.com
