Part 3
Understanding Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES)
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For most of my early adulthood, if you asked me about my early life experiences after my father’s hospitalization or the year I dutifully went with my uncle to visit my father, I would say I didn’t remember much or I would make a vague reference to those early years. Even when I remembered some of the events that were painful at the time, I dismissed their significance and impact on my life.
That’s how it is, I thought to myself. No big deal. Things happen. Get over it. Forget it. Don’t complain. Grow up. Be a man.
Most of us block out painful and traumatic memories from our childhood. We don’t want to remember times when we felt vulnerable and confused. We want to feel powerful and in control of our lives. However, these old wounds do not go away. They often come back to us in the form of bad dreams or childhood illnesses. I had a recurring dream from the age of six (the age I stopped visiting my father in the mental hospital) until I was nine or ten:
I’m in my bed at night and something wakes me up. I get up from my bed and walk into the kitchen. There is no one there. I keep walking around the house afraid of what I might find but I force myself to keep looking. Suddenly a dark figure emerges from the darkness with a knife in hand. I start running back to my bed. I know if I can get back before he catches me, I’ll be safe. But I don’t make it in time and they stab me in the back.
The dream recurred without warning, every three or four nights. I always run for my life, but never come back before I get stabbed. I dreaded going to sleep at night and would spend hours trying to create a safe place between my covers where I would be safe. I would try to stay awake as long as I could, but eventually I would fall asleep and the dream that seemed like life would capture me again and again.
I finally told my mother about the dreams. He listened but dismissed the dreams as just unwarranted childhood fears, like being afraid that monsters were hiding under my bed. He tried to reassure me by telling me there was nothing to worry about. I didn’t stop worrying. I just stopped talking about my feelings. At the same time I developed asthma, a chronic lung disease that causes inflammation in the airways, making breathing difficult.
It wasn’t until later in life that I learned about the ACE studies and how Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACES) affect our lives. The ACE studies began as a collaboration between the CDC and Kaiser Hospital in 1998, and since then more than ninety research papers have been published.
The ACE studies found that adverse childhood experiences—including common events such as growing up in a family where parents were divorced, had alcohol or drug problems, or suffered from mental illness—harm children’s developing brains. Studies have found that disrupted brain function leads to changes in how we respond to stress and damages our immune systems so profoundly that the effects show up decades later.
I learned that ACEs cause much of the burden of chronic disease, most mental illness, addictions, and are at the root of most violence. The original survey listed ten possible adverse childhood experiences or ACEs. I had four. Having four aces is good for playing poker, but not so good for our health and well-being.
Although there is a greater understanding of the impact of ACEs on our lives, many doctors and even mental health professionals are not fully aware of the connection between adult problems and childhood trauma. In my article, “7 Surprising Reasons You Should See a Trauma Informed Counselor,” I said,
“Most people in the US have at least one ACE, and people with four ACEs have a significant risk of developing health and relationship problems as adults. These include heart disease, cancer, diabetes, lung problems, depression, divorce, suicide, addictions and relationship problems. I had chronic lung problems, bouts of depression, I was divorced twice, I was suicidal at various stages of my life and I had many addictions.’
I went on to say,
“When I sought help, most health professionals saw me through the lens of the mainstream medical model and tried to figure out what was wrong with me, what diagnosis I should have and what kind of medication I should be taking. I have received some help over the years with this approach, but the benefits have been limited.”
Life Lesson #5: Instead of asking “what’s wrong with us?” a more useful question is “what happened to us?”
In their book, What Happened to You? Discussions on trauma, resilience and healing, Child psychiatrist and neuroscientist Bruce C. Perry, MD, PhD and Oprah Winfrey say,
“Healing must begin with a shift to asking, ‘What happened to you?’ instead of “What’s wrong with you?” Many of us experience adversity that has a lasting impact on our physical and emotional health. What happens to us in childhood is a strong predictor of our risk for health problems down the road.”
In my article, “The Myth of Mental Illness and the Truth about Mental Health: One Man’s Journey to Freedom,” I describe my own healing journey, the original ACE questions, and an expanded understanding of trauma and healing.
What adverse childhood experiences did you have in your life? What adult problems have you faced with your own physical, mental, emotional, and relational life as a result of these early experiences?
Life Lesson #6: Understanding what happened to us is the first step in healing. The second step is understanding the limiting beliefs about ourselves and our world.
My life changed dramatically when I stopped trying to deny and escape the reality of my childhood trauma and how it affected my mental, emotional and relational life. It changed even more dramatically when I realized the beliefs I had about myself and my world because of my early trauma.
In their book, Code to Joy: The Four-Step Solution to Unlocking Your Natural State of Happiness, George Pratt, PhD, Peter Lambrou, PhD with John David Mann say,
“Beliefs are stronger than emotion and deeper than thoughts. Beliefs are thought patterns so ingrained in our neural networks that they have become automatic, like ingrained habits of thought. It is the foundation of our psychological architecture.”
Drs. Pratt and Lambrou have found seven common self-limiting beliefs linked to our early traumatic experiences:
- I’m not safe.
- I am worthless.
- I am powerless.
- I am unloved.
- I can’t trust anyone.
- I’m bad.
- I am alone.
I realized that a number of these beliefs were embedded in my body, mind and soul and were like automatic programs that operated outside of my awareness but colored all my relationships. Deep down I believed, I’m not safe. Something could happen to me at any moment. The world is a dangerous place. I can’t trust anyone. I never know when someone I love will leave me. If I do it wrong, they might die or be taken away. Finally, I’m all alone. There is no one I can rely on but myself. It’s better to stay guarded and closed off than risk loving someone who will leave me.
Fortunately, as I’ve learned over the years, all of these beliefs can be reversed. We can learn that we are safe and secure, worthy and valuable, and empowered to be the lovable selves we all are deep down. We can trust others because they are good too. And we are never alone, but connected in a web of prosperity now and forever.
If you would like to read more in this series and other articles on improving your mental, emotional and relational health, I invite you to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter.
