The holidays probably aren’t the most wonderful time of year if you’ve recently lost a loved one. Grief is complicated and unpredictable, and staples of the season that used to bring you joy, like holidays and family traditions, can suddenly feel painful and overwhelming.
“All we have to do in grief is the next best step,” he said Gina Moffa, LCSWa trauma-informed psychotherapist and author of “Moving On Doesn’t Mean Letting Go: A Modern Guide to Navigating Loss.” “It can feel confusing and awkward. And, in a way, it’s supposed to be. We’ve moved into a whole new landscape where we don’t have a map, so navigating life – and the holidays – will take time, patience, endurance and love.”
Prioritizing your well-being and giving yourself grace is key to getting through the holidays without a loved one. Here are Moffa’s tips.
Practice self-compassion
You may have many different feelings come up – some expected and some sudden – so be kind to yourself. You are not going to be able to rush through grief. When self-critical thoughts arise, practice self-compassion by responding with gentle understanding. Try phrases like “It’s okay to feel this way” and “I’m allowed to grieve in my own time” to help anchor you.
Read: How to get through the holidays when dealing with grief >>
Reevaluate your traditions
Remember that you have the freedom to decide how or if you want to engage with traditions and make room for new ways of celebrating if that feels right.
Take some time to think about which holiday traditions are meaningful to you this year and which may be more difficult. It’s okay if some activities like decorating or attending gatherings feel too overwhelming. Allow yourself to prioritize the traditions that bring a sense of comfort and let go of those that feel overwhelming.
Check with your body
Grief is a whole-body experience and can affect all parts of your body. Check and follow what your body needs beyond obligation. For example, will making this pot energize or drain you? Will creating holiday cards refresh you or tire you out? You can feel different from day to day, so it’s important to check yourself, your emotions and your physical needs.
Try adding a new delivery
Adding a new activity or tradition can provide a positive way to cope with your loss. Consider doing something in your loved one’s honor, such as volunteering in a way that connects to their memory or creating a quiet moment during a holiday meal to share a story about them or give them a toast . This can give you space to experience the season in a way that feels right for you right now.
Make a backup plan
With some traditions, activities, and plans, you know you want to go ahead and be a part of them. Sometimes, though, things change as plans get closer. For example, you said you would attend the big family dinner, but as it gets closer, you feel more exhausted.
Create a series of backup plans for these situations. Plan A is the best case scenario – you have a good day and have the ability to move on. Plan B takes the pressure off a bit and Plan C is often an exit strategy.
Determine your priorities
Understanding what matters most to you during this time can help you understand what your needs are and feel more confident in trying to meet them. Ask yourself: Is spending time with family a priority? Do you have friends around you who feel safe? Have a quiet time alone?
Set limits on social events
When you are grieving, holiday gatherings can be emotionally intense. It’s important to set boundaries around the events you choose to attend and the time you spend at each.
It may be useful to:
- Plan a “graceful exit” by letting important people know in advance that you may need to leave early.
- Choose to attend only the gatherings that feel supportive and skip the ones that feel boring — and if that means skipping them all, that’s okay.
- Give yourself permission to say no to invitations guilt-free, or adjust plans as needed. Remind yourself that taking time to care for your emotional well-being is a priority and not something to apologize for.
Manage expectations and ask for help
If you’re usually the go-to person during the holidays, but you’re too sad and drained to bake pies or wrap presents, allow yourself to skip the celebration if that’s what works for you. Or, if you want to participate, be open to asking for and receiving help and support. Try calling a friend or relative ahead of time and letting them know you can’t contribute like you used to. Setting expectations in advance can save you a lot of pressure and added stress on vacation.
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