When Samantha Miller sat down to give her son the pre-college sex talk, she had a plan to go outside the box. “My thought was, obviously I want to regularly have sexual conversations that have to do with safety,” she tells SheKnows. “But the other thing that was so important is that women experience intimacy differently than men do. And the sooner you understand that, the better it is for you and the better it is for your partner.”
Miller’s approach to talking sex with her teenage son focused on how to give his partner a good experience, along with all the usual points about safety and consent — and that was on purpose. “As a woman thinking about raising sons, you want your son to take a strong role in cleaning, cooking and parenting,” she says. “It kind of goes along those same lines, that equality in the bedroom is also so important.”
Samantha Miller
Cadence OTC
As its co-founder and CEO Cadence OTCMiller has made gender equality in reproductive rights a pillar of her career. The sexual health company is best known for its mission to make the pill available over-the-counter and to bring emergency contraceptive pills to convenience stores — the idea being that the morning-after pill should be as easily accessible as condoms and ideally sold side-by-side.
That’s why Miller also sent her son to college with a supply of emergency contraception for those times when condoms aren’t enough. “A lot of men think that contraception is women’s responsibility and it’s his responsibility to have a condom,” she explained. “That’s the division of labor. I just wanted her to know that not all women are on long-term contraception … so they may rely on the condom and that condoms fail 10-15% of the time.”
It’s a simple, effective way to reduce the responsibility gap between men and women for pregnancy prevention. As Miller points out, “It’s easy to have [emergency contraception] in readiness. It has a long shelf life.”
Cadence OTC’s mission is to increase access to its morning-after pill by selling it alongside condoms in convenience stores across the country.
Cadence OTC
Of course, despite all good intentions, having a sexual conversation with your teen will be uncomfortable. But for Miller, the suffering was worth the education. “When you’re young, it’s awkward to talk about [pleasure]and you won’t necessarily hear it [your partner]”, he explains. But as his mother and the adult in the room, “I don’t mind talking about it.”
Miller wanted to share some key facts, such as “women have to move more slowly, it’s harder for them to experience sexual pleasure, and it’s important to get along with each other.” He encouraged him to ask questions and noted that “just direct contact often won’t do the trick.”
She went into the conversation knowing that her son probably wouldn’t want to ask questions or engage her in a back-and-forth conversation—and that was okay. “I don’t need him to talk,” she shared. “I’m just going to share that information. He’s not going to engage in a dialogue, but he’s going to take it on board, think about it, and be better for it.” Of her son’s reaction, Miller says, “he listened and was patient with it.”
Here’s her advice to other parents having this conversation with their teens: accept the fact that it can be a one-way dialogue, and don’t feel like you need to ask questions to engage them. And, if you have teenage sons in particular, don’t assume that their father (or father figure) has to be the one to do the talking. “It can be important for moms to talk to their sons for two reasons,” says Miller. “It’s one thing to share a woman’s perspective, but also, women can just be more relaxed and raw about these things.”
And be sure to leave the door open in case they have questions down the line. They may be hearing this information for the first time, especially if it has to do with female pleasure, which — as many of us know — is still too much of a mystery to too many people.
“I feel sorry for men who don’t have honest conversations with a woman who is bold enough to tell them some basic facts about women and sex that will help them be more successful,” says Miller, “and also take a more fair, woman-friendly approach.”
