Two weeks before my 42nd birthday, I realized I was missing my period. It was gorgeous outside, so I went down to my local Target and did something I hadn’t done in 11 years—I bought a pregnancy test. We’d been trying to get pregnant for about three years, but every month my period would show up like an evil guest — untimely and uninvited.
But this time the test lit up like a Christmas tree. We were excited and cautious. As it turned out, we were right to be cautious. At 13 weeks I lost the baby.
A year later, almost to the day, I got pregnant again. It was just before my 43rd birthday and it felt like the best present ever. I wasn’t sure what to expect from myself, others, or the universe.
Here are some of the lies I believed about pregnancy after loss.
That will replace the pain
I had read so many articles that said pregnancy after loss could help ease the pain, but in many ways, being pregnant again is a constant reminder of the son I lost. Of course, now we’ve added a host of other emotions—excitement, joy, a dose of healthy worry—but I can’t help but think of the benchmarks I’d already set in my head for what he would do right now if he were here.
That I would like to get pregnant again immediately
What I wanted was my pregnancy back. I wanted to go back in time and see if I couldn’t change the outcome, like the world’s saddest Choose Your Own Adventure. But when it came to trying again? Sometimes it was all I could think about. Other days I couldn’t imagine being pregnant again. Grief is constant and cyclical—seeing a baby at the grocery store can make you want to go home and try right away, or it can turn you into a puddle of tears in a pair of pants.
That I could get pregnant again right away
I assumed, thanks to the internet, that I could get pregnant right away when I was ready. Yes, I’m on the older side, but we had been told by the fertility doctors that there was nothing we needed to do – everything was in working order. There are tons of articles out there that say your fertility is higher right after a loss, but that wasn’t the case for us. My body needed time, I think, to process what happened and be ready for what was to come.
That I would never get pregnant again
OK, so there are also a lot of articles about fertility over 40. And even though I had made sure I was going to be okay, there was a constant nagging that this might be my last shot—which meant I was grieving both my loss and my capabilities. We got pregnant a year later without medical intervention (although we had gone through another round of fertility tests), so I cried a lot about the future I didn’t need. If there’s one thing I wish I could go back and tell myself, it’s, “Focus on healing, there’ll be plenty of time to worry later.” However, the months that passed were frustrating and terrifying, each one building on the last. I was irritated and angry and not very patient with myself.
That I would be okay talking about what happened now that I’m pregnant again
This is not the article for that, but someday I will go into detail about the traumatic events of the week leading up to my loss. In many ways, it is as difficult to process as the loss itself. Some days I talk just fine about the child I lost, the roses I planted for him, his name. Other days I mumble when someone asks me how many pregnancies I’ve had. Or why I miscarried — which is, of course, a common question when you’re pregnant again. I have learned to be kind to myself no matter how I feel that day.
That it was all I needed to go it alone
Because I shared my experience with friends, I learned about their losses and many of them ended up pregnant at the same time as me. This allowed us to share our fears specifically related to pregnancy after loss, which normalized many experiences for all of us. I also realized that I often left my husband out of the loop because I didn’t think he felt the loss as hard as I did—a false assumption I made based on him graciously giving me most of the space to grieve. He is so excited that our son will be joining us (so soon now!) and we can talk freely to each other about what happened. As I type this with swollen fingers, watching my belly kick, I am so excited for the future and so grateful for the past that brought us here.
As we come to the end of this deeply personal narrative, it is important to highlight the complex emotions that accompany pregnancy after loss. While the journey is filled with reminders of what could have been, it also paves the way for new hopes and dreams. This story highlights the importance of patience, support, and understanding—both from yourself and from your loved ones.
Navigating the road to pregnancy after loss requires more than simple medical readiness; It requires emotional resilience and a support network. Sharing such experiences can be a source of strength and comfort, not only for the individual but also for the community around them. As we reflect on this narrative, let us recognize the courage it takes to face each day with optimism and continue to nurture hope amid the sadness of the past. The journey can be challenging, but shared stories and support can light the way forward, providing reassurance that you are not alone in this experience.
FAQ: Pregnancy after loss
What are common emotions experienced during pregnancy after loss?
It is normal to experience a wide range of emotions during pregnancy after loss, including joy, fear, anxiety and sadness. Many parents feel a mixture of excitement about the new pregnancy while still grieving the previous loss. These feelings can fluctuate frequently and are a normal part of the healing process.
How can I deal with anxiety during pregnancy after loss?
Coping with stress during pregnancy after loss can include various strategies such as seeking counseling support, joining support groups, engaging in stress-reducing activities such as yoga or meditation, and maintaining open communication with healthcare providers. It is also important to share your feelings with trusted friends or family members who can offer support.
Is it normal to feel guilty about being happy about a new pregnancy?
Yes, feeling guilty about being happy after a loss is a common experience. Many parents struggle with feelings of joy about the new pregnancy while still grieving the loss of their previous pregnancy. Recognizing that it’s okay to feel happy and that this new joy doesn’t diminish the significance of your loss can help you manage these feelings of guilt.
What should I do to prepare for a new pregnancy after the loss?
Preparing for a new pregnancy after loss involves both physical and emotional preparation. Physically, it’s important to consult with a healthcare provider to understand any medical implications and make sure your body is ready. Emotionally, finding a support system, possibly including therapy or support groups, can provide much-needed encouragement and understanding.
How can I include my partner in the pregnancy after the loss?
Including your partner in pregnancy after loss is vital. Open communication about each other’s feelings and fears is vital. Going on dates together, planning for the baby, and talking about each other’s emotional state can help both partners feel included and supported throughout the journey.
