Some of us feel shame for losing a relationship or not achieving a certain goal we set out to do – something that is especially acute in the new year, when there is pressure to start over, as if we were missing or inferior before. It can be a dark place to exist. We seem to forget that our value is fixed and not based on real or perceived failures.
To me, shame is the guilt that magnifies.
The feeling of shame or embarrassment is usually associated with “guilt,” which is defined as “a feeling of restlessness or unhappiness which you have because you have done something wrong, such as causing harm to another person.’ Similarly, shame, however, is experiencing painful humiliation when we feel that our behavior is foolish. To me, shame is the guilt that magnifies. The effects of shame can be debilitating. Shame surfaces sometimes we didn’t even do anything wrong.
Does shame serve a purpose in our therapies?
I don’t think shame always serves a useful purpose. When we make mistakes that lead us to properly seek resolution, guilt serves its purpose. Guilt rejects responsibility for our wrongdoings. However, shame is a few steps below and relies on our guilt to keep beating us down. Guilt helps us grow and learn so we can do better next time. Shame keeps us stuck in place – imprisoned in inner turmoil.
A notable time I felt guilty was when I was coming out of a depressive episode a few years ago. I misunderstood a friend and got upset with her. My friend listened patiently and explained her point of view with compassion. Hearing her side, something clicked inside me that helped me see that she was doing her best and didn’t mean to hurt me. Then we solved it. Lending forgiveness to people who show up in our lives again and again is important. Most people do not intend to do harm. The guilt stirred in my heart and I was able to repair our relationship.
On the other hand, last year I was dealing with a boyfriend who was over the top and inappropriate. It blew my mind because at the same time I was working hard to maintain boundaries and keep myself safe, a different friend said I was causing them pain. The situations were certainly not opposed to each other. they were nuanced and different. However, it reinforced my shame because as I bravely set boundaries, I was also accused of withholding them. It was confusing. The boundaries I kept in both situations ended our friendships, but the losses reminded me of the strong relationships I still have today. The shame I felt in these situations made me feel like something was wrong with me. Over time, I’ve come to recognize the inner progress I’ve made in understanding boundaries, even if others don’t see it. I am learning that some things happen in life beyond our control. we learn that it is more a circumstance of life’s complexity than a fault.
Sometimes guilt can be of our own making. I felt guilty when I didn’t meet my goal of making more meals at home last year. Often, when we make decisions, we assume that we ourselves have failed completely if we only did well part of the time. However, improving a target, even 5% better than last time, is still a positive trend. I’ve ordered out often in the past, but for the past few months, I’ve been finding a better balance between cooking meals at home and taking out once or twice a week. This is an ever-evolving balance, but I also recognize that I am a full-time student and healthcare worker. Showing myself compassion when I don’t always have the energy to meet my goals has made me happier and healthier. I work not to punish myself, but to find balance. Guilt served no purpose because I didn’t actually do anything wrong because I didn’t achieve a self-imposed goal.
Showing myself compassion when I don’t always have the energy to meet my goals has made me happier and healthier.
Our instincts guide us in life. we know when to walk away so we can reclaim our worth. I felt the shame of the losses in my stomach – to the point where it was hard to stand up. It has been studied in psychology that the communication between our gut and our brain is natural and expected as our gut acts as second brain. The tension and sheer sense of immersion was the worst. Although it’s a painful feeling, I’m so glad my body is letting it out and alerting me to unresolved inner turmoil. We can only begin to let go when we feel the pain for all that it is, as long as we deal with it properly introspectively and interpersonally. I am deeply grateful to feel all my emotions – shame and guilt – today and I am not denying any of them. It’s freeing not to bottle things up or push them down.
One of the bravest things I’ve done is keep showing up in my life when shame tells me to run and hide. We can hold on to stress and suffering, while not seeing it as the only truth. Guilt can certainly serve a useful self-improvement purpose, but we don’t have to allow it to swell into shame. Shame lies, so we must fight back with the truth that we are doing our best to navigate a world that is not always made for the sympathetic and the highly sensitive. Sometimes we look through the eyes and see our greatest weakness, but when we look more closely, we also see that our heart can be used as our greatest strength.
As we enter this New Year with a soft gaze on the past and an open attitude to what is to come, I hope we can let go of the dull damage of the past and the feelings of shame associated with it and embrace our bright future healing. We never have to wait for a new year to find new meaning – every day is a new day. every moment is a new moment to start again.
Lexie Manion works in healthcare and is a passionate writer, artist and mental health advocate. Learn more about Lexie.
The views and opinions expressed in this blog are solely those of the author, and external content does not necessarily reflect the views of Mental Health America.
