By Dr. Justin
Sexual Health
Rough sex is one of the most popular sexual fantasies. In the survey of more than 4,000 American adults I conducted for my book Tell me what you wantfound that the majority of participants across genders and sexual preferences reported that they had fantasized about some type of “hard” sex in the past. However, I discovered quite a generational difference in these fantasies. Specifically, young adults (Gen Z) reported fantasizing about rough sex far more frequently than any other generation. The older people were, the less likely they were to say it was something they imagined. Other studies have pointed to a similar trend, suggesting that Gen Z just seems to be a bit kinkier in general. But this is not just about their imaginations. Young adults are physically involved in hard sex with a very high frequency. As some proof of this, consider a 2021 study published in Sexual Behavior Files that surveyed nearly 5,000 college-age adults. The researchers found that 79% of those who had a current sexual or romantic partner said they had had rough sex with that partner in the past. I should point out that what it means to have “hard” sex is, of course, very subjective. What is rough to one person may seem too tame to another. That said, we know that rough sex often involves activities, such as choking, that carry a certain amount of risk. This is especially true when these acts are performed by people who do not have extensive knowledge of how to do them safely and/or when partners have not clearly communicated their desires, limits, and boundaries. All of this raises some important questions, including why hard sex is on the rise in the first place and how we can best educate young adults about it in order to promote sexual health and safety. We’ll examine these questions in this article, but before we do, let’s take a step back and talk about what even wild sex means to young adults.
What does it mean to have “hard sex” anyway?
In the aforementioned survey of nearly 5,000 college students, participants were given a checklist of possible sexual activities and asked to indicate which constituted “hard sex” for them. It turned out that there were many activities that the majority of participants endorsed as forms of rough sex. These included: choking, hair pulling, hitting, pinning, tying, pushing hard, slapping, biting and scratching. Although there was clearly some degree of agreement that these activities fell into the ‘raw’ category for most young people, it is important to emphasize that there was not 100% agreement on any of them. This is an important point because it tells us that when someone says they are into rough sex, we should not assume that their definition is exactly the same as ours. As always, communication is key!
Young adults are having rough sex, but are they really enjoying it?
In the same survey, participants were also asked about their past experiences with rough sex. As mentioned earlier, among those currently in a relationship, most had tried it—and most also reported enjoying it. The vast majority (85%) said they enjoyed it “somewhat” or “a lot.” So part of the reason young adults engage in rough sex is simply because many of them find some pleasure or satisfaction in it. What specifically do they like about it? In a separate survey of more than 700 college students published in the journal Evolutionary Psychological Scienceparticipants were asked to compare “hard sex” to “standard sex.” Both men and women said that rough sex is more stimulating, that it leads to more frequent and intense orgasms, and that partners put more effort into satisfying each other during it. Also, women in particular said they orgasm faster during hard sex. In other words, rough sex just seems to intensify the sexual experience in pleasure-enhancing ways. But that’s not all. Participants also reported that common reasons for having rough sex were because they wanted to try something new, sex had become boring, and they wanted to have a fantasy. So there’s also an element of novelty here that people seem to enjoy.
Why is rough sex on the rise?
Moving on to the big question of why rough sex is on the rise, there are many possible explanations. Intuitively, the first one many will point to is porn. Young adults today have access to the world’s largest collection of pornography ever known to mankind—and it contains some very raw content. We know that many young adults receive no sex education at all (or not enough sex education), which leads many of them to turn to porn as a source of learning. So it’s no surprise that rough sex is on the rise at a time when porn has become the default form of sex. But the story is not as simple as that. Young adults have grown up in an era where kink has gone mainstream and is more openly discussed and portrayed in the media than ever, thanks in part to Fifty Shades phenomenon of the 2010s. Kink has since become a fixture in popular books, movies, television and music. It’s also openly discussed on social media, with #kinktok alone having nearly a million posts on TikTok. Young adults today have a greater awareness and understanding of conflict, which may increase their openness to IRL exploration. Another possibility has to do with the fact that Gen Z is more stressed and stressed in general than any other generation. From financial worries to coming of age in the COVID-19 pandemic to worries about the future of the planet, young adults are burdened by stress. So how does all this relate to twisting? Kink is an adaptive way to change your headspace. And rough sex in particular is a way to get you out of your mind and into the moment. As mentioned above, a big draw to rough sex is its intensity, so to the extent that conflict helps you be more present and temporarily forget your worries, it makes sense that the more stressed generation would be particularly drawn to kink.
How can we educate young adults about rough sex?
Rough sex is a topic not covered in the traditional sex edition, which means it’s up to parents to step up, or else young people will learn it all on their own (and may turn to sources like porn to help them learn what they really need to know). For parents interested in expanding the “conversation” beyond the basics, Dr. Debby Herbenick has a fantastic book called Yes, your child which provides a helpful guide to navigating more advanced, but still age-appropriate, sexual health conversations. It even has an entire chapter devoted to the topic of rough sex. Now, I get it—the idea of talking about sex with your kids is hard enough for many parents, but talking about rough sex takes it to another level! However, that doesn’t mean you have to go into the details and technicalities of how it’s done (after all, many parents may not know much about it themselves). Herbenick suggests that a starting point for these conversations could simply be discussing how many people view porn—then turning to how porn (just like watching a movie) isn’t a “how-to” guide. for everyday life. In other words, you can start by helping your kids develop porn literacy (ie, understanding what porn is and isn’t). And then you can build on that by encouraging them to wait to explore more adventurous activities until they’re older and develop their communication skills. You can also help them begin to develop the language or words to say what they are and aren’t comfortable with so they have a template for how to express boundaries with a partner, especially if a partner suggests something they don’t feel comfortable with. like it .
Takeaway food
Twisting and rough sex are on the rise among young adults today. Gen Z imagines and practices it at higher rates than any other generation, so we need to do more to educate young people about it in order to improve their health and safety. While conversations around this topic can be uncomfortable for parents, it’s important to recognize that if you don’t address the issue, your kids will learn it somewhere else — but what they learn elsewhere can put them at risk.
References:
Burch, RL, & Salmon, C. (2019). The Rough Thing: Understanding Aggressive Consensual Sex. Evolutionary Psychological Science, 5(4), 383-393.
Herbenick, D. et al. al. (2021). What is rough sex, who does it and who likes it? Findings from a probability sample of US undergraduates. Sexual Behavior Files.
Herbenick, D. (2023). Yes, Your Child: What Parents Need to Know About Teens and Sex Today. BenBella Books.
Lehmiller, JJ (2018). Tell me what you want. Da Capo Press.
