Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a romantic holiday — but in my experience, it often inspires feelings of despair, inadequacy, and loneliness.
Whether you’re single or in that vaguely amorous and romantic but ill-defined dynamic with someone we like to call a situation, Valentine’s Day is a time when people who expect grand romantic gestures, bouquets and dates can realize lack flower deliveries to their door.
Instead of spending this February 14 feeling sorry for yourself, envying other people’s relationships, or planning an anti-Valentine’s Day celebration with your girlfriends, spend the evening doing something healthier and obviously pleasurable: masturbating!
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Masturbation for stressful times
I’m forced to be completely unproductive for one day each week: no catching up on posters for my graphic design gig, no freelance emails to my managers about the podcast I’m editing, no work on my novel, no writing this column. I recently woke up on such a day feeling somewhat pointless and vaguely horny, untethered by my lack of work.
I pulled out my phone on my couch and started to assume the classic 9am Saturday morning monotonous pose: one hand on my crotch while the other looked up porn on the internet to jerk off stupidly.
But, I’ve decided I deserve better. Why would I be nonchalantly jerking around on the couch when I could be rolling out the red carpet for myself?
I set the mood with the psychedelic rock playlist I usually play during hookups, got out all my lubes—from my trusty jar of Boy Butter to the emergency tube of AstroGlide that’s usually lost under my bed—and dusted off my robotic blow machine and vibrator.
I really showed up for myself that day, and by myself, I achieved the kind of full-body orgasm I usually associate with a particularly good lay. I was equally surprised that I could do this and that I don’t do it more often.
In stressful times like these, we all desperately need relief. Masturbation is a great release valve — and yes, I’m here to use the science to prove it!
Masturbation releases several hormones related to your brain’s reward system, such as dopamine. It also triggers an avalanche of endorphins, which help your body feel less stressed. You don’t even need to peak – just rub. Research shows that Clitoral stimulation helps boost mood and induce relaxation and the literal act of self-soothing and pleasure reduces anxiety. Masturbation has also been found to improve cognitive function during aging— one more great reason to touch yourself!
Despite the long-standing taboo surrounding masturbation, research conducted by the International Society for Sexual Medicine states that people of all age groups—from teenagers to people 70 and over— masturbate regularly.
Another study found that for 46 percent of perimenopausal women and 32 percent of postmenopausal women, masturbation had a positive effect on at least one of their unpleasant symptoms, from improving sleep or mood to reducing vaginal pain. And for some people age 50 and older, Masturbation can boost memory recall.
Finally, while the science is not conclusive, some research suggests that, for men and other people with a prostate, more frequent ejaculation is associated with lower risk of prostate cancer.
On Valentine’s Day, what’s more romantic than fending off cancer?
To porn or not to porn
I am an advocate for the adult entertainment industry.
In my writing and in my life, I talk about and celebrate all kinds of sex work because this is one of the many ways to destigmatize this field. I also believe that sex work should be decriminalized and that censorship bills like the new online age verification laws which have been established in about half of the USthat require users to share sensitive information, such as biometric data, to access sexual content are dangerous.
(Read more: Seattle sex worker collectives provide health care to their community)
But all that said, some research has shown that excessive porn consumption can change the chemistry in your brainleading to poorer impulse controldifficulty focusing and addictive cycles of dopamine hunting. So it could be fun to experiment with a little more careful masturbation this Valentine’s Day, using nothing but your body, some toys if you have them, and your imagination.
Conscious masturbation combines self-pleasure with meditation. it’s a tool that can be used to become more in tune with the body and help eliminate the dopamine rush associated with swiping through apps or scrolling through a lot of porn. Instead of setting goals for that masturbation session—I have to come!— Mindful masturbation is a practice that asks you to be in the present moment, observe the body and see what is happening.
Similar to the practice of body scanning in meditation, you may begin to slide your hands over your entire body, exploring where a new and surprising amorous sensation may arise. As in traditional meditation, you can let your mind wander here and be surprised by the memories and feelings that arise. And then: Release them as you continue to touch yourself, from the usual love zones you may already know to other areas you rarely pay attention to.
What a totally psychedelic way to treat yourself on Valentine’s Day.
If, instead, you still want to masturbate with some visual or auditory support (I know!) but are distracted, worried, or alienated by the mainstream porn that appears in your feed on sites like PornHub, I have a few suggestions.
The website Ersties has an all-female production team that focuses on female pleasure and intimate moments. I find the production style of his videos, similar to the glossy viral aesthetic of online game shows and tutorials, to be comforting and strangely erotic. There is also Belesaa studio that makes porn “by women, for everyone who wants something real.”
(Read more: Sex workmrs Fear Border Patrol’s new social media requirements could put the US off-limits for travel)
For example, the first Ersties video that caught my attention was “Orgy My Way,” from 2025, where 20 multi-gender contestants compete in seven rounds of sex games, revealing red flags, an oral sex contest, and a stripping challenge, all to participate in an ultimate orgy. I felt like I was watching a fun game on Netflix that also happened to be porn.
Quinna very popular erotic audio platform, has more than 350,000 followers on Instagram. Quinn has a whole library of short and sexy stories that you can listen to while you’re having a blast (or cleaning the house, moving, or whatever).
Internet friends are often invited to tell their stories. Christopher Briney, by The summer I became beautiful, he plays the role of a man who falls in love with his brother’s ex in a story. in another, Intense rivalryConnor Storrie and Hudson Williams star as princes of rival kingdoms who find themselves in amorous competition.
If internet girlfriends are your thing, Kate Moennig (yes, Shane from The L word) he even plays a retired rock star on a ranch in Montana. Sapphic sexuality follows.
With fantasies and sex toys like these at your fingertips, who needs a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day?
