There’s no doubt about it: Being a mom is exhausting. Throw in the endless mental and physical tasks of parenting, add in disrupted sleep, and then sprinkle in the usual stressors of work — and life — and you have a recipe for major burnout. No wonder the hashtag #tiredmom has almost 200,000 posts on TikTokand over 600,000 on Instagram.
But sometimes, exhaustion reaches a whole new level. While it’s easy to dismiss being overly tired as just a natural part of motherhood, feeling like you have zero energy left could be a sign that something deeper is going on. And despite everything memes normalizing chronic fatigue, this is not something you have to live with.
“If we can make people feel better, give people energy, that improves their quality of life and however they choose to spend their time — with their kids, in their career, whatever that is,” says. Dr. Meghan Rudder, a women’s health specialist at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston. Just because you’ve decided to become a parent doesn’t mean you have to live in a fog until your kids grow up.
When to check your fatigue
How can you tell when you’re dealing with more than typical parent-induced sleep deprivation?
Rudder suggests seeking help as soon as you start wondering if something else might be going on. “Having a low threshold for approaching someone is a good idea,” he says. “It can be hard to admit you’re tired, but I think it’s good to talk it over with someone else who can ask more probing questions to get to the root causes.” If the first provider you see dismisses your fatigue as a normal part of motherhood, get a second opinion.
Rudder says two red flags are 1. if you’re much more tired than usual (no major life changes that would explain the extra fatigue) and 2. if you’re experiencing other related symptoms along with exhaustion, such as shortness of breath, leg swelling, morning sickness headaches, feeling too hot or cold or gastrointestinal problems such as constipation or diarrhoea. Dr. Stephanie Liu, an assistant clinical professor in the department of family medicine at the University of Alberta, adds that fever, chest pain or changes in vision in addition to fatigue warrant a visit to your doctor.
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Worst-case scenarios like cancer or hidden infections are unusual, but not unheard of. It’s not worth missing these diagnoses just because you’re not sure your fatigue deserves professional help.
Reasons you may be out of energy
While this is by no means an exhaustive list, here are some of the more common explanations for why you might feel lethargic all the time, even if you’re getting a decent night’s sleep.
You have burnt
Research in progress suggests that up to 14 percent of parents experience burnout—when you’re not just tired, but emotionally spent, and even a good night’s rest doesn’t help you feel refreshed. Dr. Morgan Cutlipits author Love your children without losing yourself, says burnout includes cognitive issues like forgetfulness (or an intense version of “mom brain”) and emotional dysregulation, which could mean you lose your temper more often. There may also be a tendency to escape to distractions such as shopping, social media or drinking. “What makes it hard to distinguish between burnout and normal motherhood is that a lot of it is stuff that we’ve normalized in motherhood,” says Cutlip. But if it’s stable, it’s a problem, he warns.
Among moms, this is sometimes called exhausted mother syndrome. “It’s when our batteries die,” he says Elizabeth Meyer, clinical social worker in Massachusetts. “There is nothing left to give, but then we still have more to give.”
You struggle with a sleep disorder
Even if your kids sleep through the night, you might not. Rudder says sleep apnea in particular is becoming more common in younger patients. This happens when your airflow periodically stops while you sleep and you end up waking up in the morning still feeling exhausted.
Your thyroid is off
Rudder says both hypothyroidism and hyperthyroidism can cause fatigue. That’s because the thyroid is responsible for releasing hormones into your bloodstream that regulate all kinds of bodily functions, and when it’s not doing it right, it can affect your energy levels.
You are low in iron
“I think a lot about anemia in this population, especially if the patient is still menstruating,” says Rudder. Even if you are not anemic, low iron levels can cause fatigue. Especially in the early postpartum period, Liu suggests being mindful of how many pads you go through. “If you’re bleeding from more than one patch an hour or passing clots larger than the size of an egg, low iron from bleeding can be a cause of fatigue,” she says.
You are experiencing fatigue after the virus
If you’ve been sick recently, your body may still be recovering even though you otherwise feel better. Doctors often see patients struggling with prolonged fatigue after a viral illness. “This is something that can stick around for a while,” Rudder says.
You have a mood disorder
Both anxiety and depression can manifest as fatigue. “It can be one of the initial symptoms,” says Rudder. Especially during the postpartum phase, when hormones drop quickly, watch for moodiness, lack of appetite or interest, or trouble bonding with your baby, Liu warns.
How to get your energy back
Even if there is nothing medically going on to cause your fatigue, feeling drained on a daily basis is no way to live. Not only does it just, well, everything feel more difficult, Liu points out that it can affect how we connect with the people closest to us. “It can strain relationships with partners, family members and friends, leading to feelings of isolation and loneliness,” she says. It can even make bonding and caring for our children difficult.
Although women are obliged to give everything to their families – especially their children – taking care of your health through small daily habits can go a long way in protecting your energy: “Eat a balanced diet, stay hydrated, go for walks outside – exposure to natural light and physical activity is beneficial,” says Liu.
Cutlip recommends giving yourself “micro-doses” of self-care, fitting it into your life in ways that work for you. “We have to learn how to mother ourselves as we mother our children,” she says.
And don’t be afraid to delegate. “Women are socialized to provide and care for others. And we haven’t done a lot of teaching on how to recognize your own overshoot signals,” says Meyer. She suggests finding what fills your own cup and then enlisting the help you need to make it happen, whether that’s having your partner take care of your morning routine so you can sleep in sometimes, or having family members or a baby. sitters to watch the kids so you have a night out. Remember, she says, “it’s okay to have needs.”
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