The sand was just getting warm under my feet last Saturday morning, the ocean breeze cutting across the beach as I walked to my usual yard. I have played beach volleyball with the same team (mostly men, a few women) for over fifteen years. We only play two-on-two (not four-on-four or six-on-one) and it’s one of my favorite parts of the week.
Frustratingly, my skill level changes from week to week, and it took me years to realize that when I focus on just two things—especially when a serve is coming—everything flows better. These two things are:
I keep my knees bent and wait to move.
Keep my eyes on the ball until I make contact.
Simple, right? But doing those two things when my left knee hurts from the HIIT class, my lower back hurts from that old hip injury, and my visual tracking wants to stop a second too soon… not so simple.
When I forget to keep my knees bent, I’m slower and less responsive. I can’t dive forward quickly or take the step I need for an overhead ball. And when I take my eyes off the ball too early, I’m more likely to knock it off—especially with wind, server spin, and the unpredictability of outdoor play.
So I have a mantra that I whisper to myself before I serve it: Knees bent, eyes on the ball. Knees bent, eyes on the ball. Again and again.
A few months ago, while repeating this mantra, I realized that this is not just about volleyball. It’s also about relationships.
What if, instead of trying to work on everything at once—communication, patience, planning, quality time, desire, tone of voice, daily rituals, planning, exercise—I chose just two things that would improve my relationship the most? Two things within my control that I could return to again and again, like a quiet mantra.
For lasting personal growth change, simplicity works. It gives space to the nervous system to settle down. When we stop trying to fix everything at once, we can actually see progress. Change happens in small, repetitive moments of attention, not in big overhauls. Big renovations rarely stick. small, repetitive moments do.
For me those two things were:
The tone of my voice.
My patience in certain situations.
My boyfriend had gently (and sometimes not so gently) told me that my tone and lack of patience around certain topics was triggering him. Hearing this wasn’t easy—honestly, it bothered me at first—but he was mostly right. My words may have been reasonable and logical, but the way I said them brought frustration and tension.
So I treated it like practice. I took a five-week yoga nidra class online that helped tune my nervous system to be less reactive. I started to notice when my voice rose or when my chest tightened during a conversation. When I caught it, I would stop, breathe and stop talking for a few seconds.
If a tough conversation came up when I was tired or emotionally drained, I started saying, “Can we go back to this tomorrow?” instead of pushing.
After about four weeks, my friend told me he could feel the difference. He said it was easier to be present with me, even when we disagreed. Since then, he has thanked me many times for my shifts and for doing the job not only for me, but for us.
It’s nice to be appreciated for the quiet, incredible growth. As in volleyball, it’s about small, steady adjustments—knees bent, eyes on the ball— which makes me more grounded, more responsive, more able to handle whatever comes my way.
Because love, like volleyball, is not about control. It’s about staying grounded enough to move with whatever comes your way.
Put this into practice for yourself
What are your two things? Take a few minutes to think and write:
What two behaviors, if practiced regularly, would most improve the health of one of your closest relationships?
How will you remind yourself, like a mantra, to return to them when stress, fatigue or old habits creep in?
Then share them with your partner (or other close relationship). Let them know what you’re into and ask what their two things might be. Growth does not come through perfection. It happens collaboratively, through small, repeated acts of awareness and care.
~ Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus — San Diego Keynote Speaker, Marriage Coach, Intimacy Expert
