When you think of developmental milestones, you probably imagine the first word or baby steps. But a big milestone is already happening to you, right now. “One of the most profound developmental transitions is becoming a parent,” she says Jessica Whalen, PhD, a former psychotherapist who now works as an organizational development consultant for new parents. It’s called “matrescence,” she explains, and it’s the experience of becoming a mom. And, yes, it presents major psychological and biological changes that are of the order of puberty.
Returning to work adds another layer of complexity to this milestone—not only because of the logistical challenges, “but also issues of identity, priorities, and values,” says Wilen. Just imagine how hard it is to come back from a week’s vacation and then multiply that by a baby. “You’re in full-on parenting mode for a while, and you’re really back into work mode a lot,” adds Daisy Dowling, executive coach and founder and CEO of Working parenta mentoring organization for working parents.
You can take steps to reduce stress, especially if you plan ahead. Read on for tips from experts and moms who’ve been there to take on your new dual role.
Ask for more time unless you need it
It is impossible to predict whether you will experience postpartum depression, anxiety or other physical or mental health problems. If you do, it’s perfectly reasonable to ask for more time off or additional accommodations. Just have those conversations “as early as possible or you’re ready, so your employer knows what to expect and can plan for it on their end,” says the organizational development consultant Jess Feldwhich guides working mothers on parental leave.
Check what support your company offers
Many companies these days have policies in place to support working parents, such as step-in programs (more on that below). Some organizations will even pay for parental leave coaching for their employees, Wilen adds, which can help you navigate logistical and psychological challenges.
Ideally, before you go on maternity leave—but certainly before you schedule a logistics discussion with your boss—do a little research. “Your manager may or may not know the details, so you have to be your own advocate,” says Dowling. If you work for a large company, these benefits should be included in your company’s intranet employee handbook. Otherwise, please send an email to your HR contact.
Negotiate terms with your employer
You can only get what you want from your job if you ask for it. “Your manager can’t read your mind,” says Dowling. He suggests setting up a meeting when you’re two-thirds of the way through your parental leave to confirm logistics over the phone or Zoom. (Feldt recommends having this conversation before you leave for leave; if you haven’t, she says you can save the less immediate details until you return.)
When you’re getting ready to talk to your employer, think about how each request will benefit them (for example, help you perform better at your job), suggests Wilen. Next, imagine your manager’s possible counterarguments, how you’ll deal with them, and a backup plan (for example, a limited “trial period” to try out long-term requests). “You probably won’t get all of these, so prioritize what’s most important to you,” she adds.
Consider “Phase in” if you can
“More and more companies are starting to implement” phased-in programs, which gradually make it easier for parents to return to work after leave, Feldt says. For example, for the first month you might work part-time, four days a week, or from home one day a week. If your company doesn’t, “you still have your rights” to try to set one up, Dowling says. “It doesn’t hurt to ask.”
Another option: ask to start on Wednesday, so you don’t get bogged down with a whole week again, Feldt suggests. “You’ll be thankful with just three days versus five,” says The Bump community member Jessica F., mother of four.
Set boundaries with clearly defined times
Now that you have to pick up your child from daycare every day or relieve a sitter, you won’t be able to spontaneously stay at the office late to finish a big project. Dowling suggests that you clearly outline your scheduling needs with your employer in advance. “The last thing you want is to be misunderstood by your manager or important colleagues,” he says.
This may mean starting your day earlier or working two ‘shifts’. For example, leaving the office at 5:00 p.m., going home for the baby’s nighttime routine, and logging back in for an hour or so at 7:00 p.m.
To ease worries, tell your manager, “I plan to be just as productive. I’m very committed to this role, but now I’m going to do it in a slightly different way,” says Dowling.
Work from home when you can
Flexible work-at-home arrangements are common but not universal these days. “Many people find that they can negotiate individual or specific arrangements around remote work,” says Dowling. “Other people find that in their organization, there is a hard and fast policy.” While remote work can be great, you may also find that doing work with baby around is emotionally and practically difficult.
Keep in mind that there are many other ways to achieve balance. “Be much more creative and broad-minded” with your requests, Dowling says.
If you’re breastfeeding, the transition to pumping presents another level of challenges for your recovery. Buy or rent the equipment you’ll need and give it a few test runs at least a few weeks before you return.
Remember that the law requires employers to have adequate breaks and space (besides restrooms) for new moms to pump men at work, says Abbey H., mother of four. Consider working with a lactation or postpartum professional, she adds, “to learn how to use your pump effectively.”
Then, treat the return to work “almost like the first day of school,” suggests Feldt. The night before your first day back, set up your pump, cleaning supplies, and an insulated lunch box to carry your milk, as well as spares in case anything breaks or gets lost. Also choose a cute photo of your baby or a video of her crying, which can trigger your body’s frustration response when it’s time to pump, says Feldt.
Practice childcare runs
When Dowling asks her clients to imagine their smoothest first day back at work, “inevitably that means … having trust and faith that the baby is well taken care of,” she says. “You may miss your child, but you have no worries.”
Try to arrange a week (ideally) of practical childcare before you return to work to give you confidence in the system you’ve set up, advises Dowling. It also avoids combining two long transitions. Leave your child for a few hours at first, then consider building up to a full day. Also, practice commuting to your office so you know how much time you’ll build up. It will make the first day back easier and hopefully less sad,” says Maygan N., mother of two.
If it’s not financially or practically possible to start childcare early, ask your partner to work from home or take a few days off to watch the baby so you can get organized and the baby gets used to being with a different caregiver . . That way, “both of these transitions don’t happen on the same day,” Feldt says.
While your work-life balance will change, the transition to working parent can ultimately make you a better team member and mentor. “Being a working parent is often framed as a distraction in the workplace, but I think parenthood is a leadership asset,” says Wilen. “I gained more perspective, became more flexible in my thinking and developed an even stronger sense of empathy.”
A week or so before you return, start planning your “script”—what you want to communicate to your boss and coworkers about what you want from work. This helps avoid misunderstandings among even well-meaning colleagues and managers about your commitment, skills and capabilities, Dowling says.
Most caregivers take more parental leave than their partners—and, of course, take on extra chores like grocery shopping and vacuuming while they’re at it. This creates “disparities in the burden of parents,” says Feldt.
Again, communication is key. Make a list of big and small chores, from walking the dog to doing laundry. At least a few days before you go back to work, talk to your partner about dividing up the work to make it “a transition for the whole family,” says Feldt. “Make sure your partner shares the load. Don’t let anyone make you the default parent if you don’t want that,” advises Rebekah G, parent of one.
Create your child care backup plan
“The baby could get sick at daycare on the second day,” says Feldt. Your backup can be a family member or a babysitter. Or it could just come up with a game plan with your partner about who does what when childcare isn’t an option.
Another benefit of starting childcare early: It’s an opportunity for some much-needed alone time. And don’t feel guilty about it. “Try to take time to do something nice for yourself—even if it’s just taking a bath while the baby sleeps,” suggests Wilen.
While you may expect to feel sad or excited to return, you may find that you actually have the opposite experience. Try to be flexible and compassionate with yourself. “It helps with emotional bounce back and resilience,” says Feldt.
Hilary B., a mother of one, says it takes a few weeks to get used to your new routine. “Once you do, things will become more bearable.” In the meantime, keep your expectations reasonable. “Nothing long-term about your career needs to be decided in the first four weeks you’re back. Nothing is a lifetime commitment,” says Dowling.
Plus, more from The Bump:
Your complete guide to exclusive pumping
How to prepare emotionally to return to work after parental leave
Self-care for moms: 23 ways to relax and rejuvenate
