Sex. What is your first reaction to hearing this word? Excitement? Nervousness? Uncertainty? Uprising? Maybe all of the above? If you are considering having sex for the first time, then this topic can be even more charged.
Whether you’re 16 or 26, there’s no right age to have sex, but it can still be a confusing time to navigate. It may feel like there’s a volleyball match going on in your head and heart (and elsewhere), so we’re here to help clear up some confusion and offer guidance on what to consider if you’re wondering, “Am I ready to have a gender?”.
It doesn’t have to be a huge deal
Having sex (or not having it) can seem like the biggest decision you’ll ever make. Especially if you’re dealing with it right now. And it’s hard to understand that right now, but it doesn’t have to be a huge thing. Listen to me.
Sex is a huge part of being human, being in relationships and experiencing pleasure. But like every other part of human existence, sex is not perfect. It can be silly and messy (literally), funny and intense. It can be so many things, and this imperfect part of life doesn’t need to have so much pressure on it.
The goal of a healthy sex life (besides procreation, if you like) is pleasure, connection, joy, and presence. Focusing on this makes you realize that your first time doesn’t have to be a huge event, instead, it’s a gateway to a new (very fun) part of life.
We understand that this can be complicated if your religion or culture has particular views on life, but we encourage you to make your own decisions and seek supportive, non-judgmental guidance where you can.
Defining the sex for yourself
Another thing to consider is what sex means to you. Sex is not just a penis in the vagina. Although you certainly can if you want to. You get to decide what sex means to youwho you want to have sex with and anything else to do with your unique sexuality.
Sex can also include oral sex, manual stimulation (fingers and hands), use of toys, penetration with a vibrator, non-penetrative genital stimulation, and anything else you can think of. Realizing that you can define sex for yourself helps break down stereotypes and gives you more autonomy over your body and choices.
Sexuality can also evolve. You may realize that you are attracted to a new gender or have had new realizations about your gender that have changed your romantic dynamic. This is all okay and a normal part of being a sexual person!
You feel comfortable communicating your needs
Something many people don’t consider or even realize before having sex is that they are responsible for communicating what they want. Your partner is not a mind reader, especially if sex is new to both of you.
This is your time to learn together, and one of the best ways to do that is through communication. Want to try a specific position? Can you try a different angle? Do you need to move more slowly? These are all important questions to ask yourself and communicate with whomever you have sex with.
This is a skill that takes time, and if sex is new to you, then you may not even know what you like yet. If it makes you feel any better, many people who have been having sex for a long time still don’t know what they want or how to communicate it. It’s sad, but that doesn’t have to be you. Start working on this skill now so you can ask for what you want in bed.
Know your limits
It is equally important to be able to communicate what you want with what you want I do not want. Boundaries are an important part of any relationship, especially if you’re having sex.
Having healthy boundaries allows you to have an enjoyable sex life where you feel empowered and respected. Understanding your boundaries and how to set them before you even have sex helps you have a strong foundation for any sexual encounters or relationships that follow.
The limits may look like this:
- “I’m tired and I don’t want to have sex right now.”
- “I want to keep our clothes today.”
- “I want to discuss this before we try anything new.”
- “That’s not good, let’s try something else.”
Never feel bad about saying no to a certain sexual act, having sex when you don’t want to, or anything else that pushes your boundaries. If someone is not respecting your boundaries, we urge you to have a serious talk with them and/or reevaluate the relationship.
Making responsible sexual health choices
If you decide to have sex, you are also committing to making responsible decisions about your sexual health. This includes things we’ve already talked about, like communicating your needs and boundaries, but it also means taking care of your body to the best of your ability.
Here’s the thing – there is no such thing as “safe sex”. We prefer the term “safe sex”. Because things happen and sometimes people get pregnant or get sexually transmitted infections. Although it may be embarrassing or embarrassing, you shouldn’t be ashamed.
STDs are a part of nature and usually, the stigma and perception of them is worse than the actual infection itself. Most of the most commonly transmitted STIs can be treated with antibiotics.
Here are some other resolutions for safer sex:
- Use barrier methods such as condoms and/or dental dams (even for oral sex).
- Talk to your doctor about birth control options.
- Teach your body to know when you ovulate to avoid unwanted pregnancies.
- If you get an STD, know it how to communicate it to your partner or new partners.
- Get tested for STDs before and after a new partner, or regularly if either of you has multiple partners.
Know that there are no wrong decisions. This is your body and your choice. Most people will have sex eventually, so you can check with yourself if this is the right time.
If you have someone else to talk to like a therapist, a supportive parent or family member, or even a school counselor – we highly recommend talking to them. You deserve to have your questions and concerns answered with clear information and without judgment. Above all – enjoy!
