Men facing cancer need support: Man to Cancer is there
By Michael Holtz, APR, MPRCA, Man Up to Cancer
In my life of cancer advocacy, I have had opportunities to do some amazing things.
I have shared my cancer journey on stage in front of packed ballrooms. I have spoken at congressional investigative briefings. I have trained hundreds of cancer advocates to use their voices and share their stories to influence cancer-related policy. I have been interviewed hundreds of times by members of the media about my cancer journey and my work as an advocacy volunteer.
Nothing prepared me for the incredible experience I had at the second Man Up to Cancer Gathering of Wolves in upstate New York in early September 2023…
But first, a little history.
I was diagnosed with stage IIIB rectal cancer on March 27, 2012, just five days after turning 43rd birthday. The cancer was discovered during a colonoscopy recommended by my primary care doctor because I was experiencing strange digestive symptoms and eventually saw blood in the toilet. The scope revealed an aggressive three-inch adenocarcinoma in my rectal wall.
Over the next 11 months, my medical team threw everything at the cancer. Oral chemotherapy (Xyloda) combined with radiation therapy, surgery to remove the tumor, and six months of adjuvant chemotherapy to ensure any floating cancer is destroyed. I completed treatment in February 2013 and was declared disease free three months later. However, surgery left me with a permanent colostomy and chemotherapy brought on neuropathy, high blood pressure and, most recently, hearing loss.
But I’m still alive, and I’m not alone. This was the trigger for the Gathering of the Wolves.
Man Up to Cancer was founded by Trevor Maxwell, a writer from Maine who was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer. As a man dealing with cancer, he searched for but could not find mental health and support resources specifically designed for men. Maxwell found himself isolated from his friends and wife as treatment continued. It was during a personal crisis that he came up with the idea to create an organization for men in similar situations.
Man Up to Cancer launched The Howling Place, a private Facebook group for men dealing with cancer, on December 31, 2019. The group is open to men who are in intensive treatment, have survived, or are caring for someone with cancer. The concept started small, as a place to help men connect with each other. Today, more than 2,500 men have joined The Howling Place. In addition, more than 30 regional MUTC chapters have sprung up across North America. started a backpack program that provides men in treatment with practical items of care during chemotherapy, immunotherapy and other cancer treatments. and there took place the second Gathering of the Wolves. A third is already being planned.
By the way, all of these services, including Gathering of Wolves, are provided at no cost to members of the Man Up to Cancer community.
Man Up to Cancer relies on the support of individual donors and corporate sponsors to help men facing cancer. Learn more at www.manuptocancer.org.
About 110 men from the United States, Canada, and one amazing guy from Belgium gathered at Camp Duffield in Delevan, New York, for a weekend of bonding and storytelling.
As an 11-year survivor, for me the weekend was about listening to men share their journeys and what they learned about life after the words “you have cancer” ended the lives they had planned. Some shared publicly for the first time. Others have shared in the past, but not in the context of a fire in the middle of the woods.
There is something sacred about it.
Honestly, I wondered if I belonged. The first line treatment worked for me and I finished the treatment. So many of the men in the gathering are deep in battle. Chemotherapists who are in their 60su80u even 140u round of chemotherapy. In comparison, my normal struggle with neuropathy in my legs is a nothing hamburger.
Ultimately, Gathering of Wolves isn’t about who has it worse on the spectrum of the cancer journey. It’s about building relationships. Most of the men present are guys you know from The Howling Place. We have supported each other through comments and posts. Some of us have sent messages or notes through Messenger. Others have connected regularly on Zoom or through in-person meetings. And some of you have met personally through various cancer advocacy activities.
I spent much of the weekend hanging out with my best friend, Ryan, a stage IV colon cancer survivor from Denver. Being together, in real life, for an entire weekend was incredible. Hugs abounded. As are words of affirmation. Men, most of whom were meeting in real life for the first time, said “I love you” to each other. Again and again.
Men – all men – need this kind of connection. We don’t have to face cancer to realize this.
Our cultural norm expects and almost demands men to be stoic and heroic:
Be John Wayne. Be Superman. Intestinally through the pain. Push it down. And, above all, keep it to yourself.
The danger of keeping your battle with cancer – or any battle, really – to yourself is that it damages your mental health. In a study of 15,000 people, cancer was associated with increased levels of stress and lifetime incidence of depression. Most alarmingly, of the more than 13,000 people who kill themselves after learning of a cancer diagnosis, 83 percent are men.
Talk therapy can work, sure. As are support groups. But these support groups should be for men only.
I’ve been in coed support groups and enjoyed being a part of them, but there were things I wouldn’t talk about in a room where 90 percent of the group members are women. In the group I was perfectly content to talk about colostomy failures. I could get laughed at by my teammates. But talk about the physical disfigurement that comes with colostomy life. No way.
I wasn’t afraid to admit my struggles, but others had it worse than me. So I didn’t share them often. And that thought can be deadly.
Leaving the Wolf Pack was difficult. We were on holy ground. I had found my tribe. And the reality is that some of us may not live to see the next Gathering. I needed to wrap my arms around another man’s neck and tell him I love him in case I never get the chance to do so again.
Man Up to Cancer didn’t exist when I was diagnosed in 2012, but I’m sure glad it exists now. I wasn’t entirely sure what I was getting into when I joined when The Howling Place launched on New Year’s Eve four years ago. What I have received in return cannot be calculated.
Every man with cancer deserves to be heard, to be loved, to know that there are other guys in his corner. They need to know that they are not fighting alone. If you are a man facing cancer or a long-term survivor, or caring for someone with cancer, Man Up to Cancer has a place for you.
Learn more about Man Up to Cancer, our services for men facing cancer and how you can help at www.manuptocancer.org.
