i’ll admit it. I’m in love. I would even go so far as to say I am more in love now than when we first fell in love 44 years ago. My wife, Carlin, and I have been together since 1980. It was the third marriage for each of us. Yes, sometimes, the third time is the charm. But getting to stage five has been a journey we continue on. I wrote about this in an article, “The 5 Stages of Love and Why Too Many Stop at Stage 3.”
We all want real, lasting love, whether we’re in our 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, or beyond. However, too many marriages fail and most people don’t know why. They mistakenly believe that they have chosen the wrong partner. After they go through the grieving process, they start looking again. But after more than forty years as a marriage and family counselor, I’ve discovered that most people look for love in all the wrong places. They don’t understand that Stage 3 is not the end, but the real beginning to achieving real, lasting love:
Stage 1: Falling in love
Stage 2: To become a couple
Stage 3: Disappointment
Stage 4: Creating true, lasting love
Stage 5: Using the Power of Two to Change the World
When people think about what needs to change in the world, we often hear clichés like “The world needs more love.” But what does it mean to truly change the world for the better, and how can love deal with global climate change, the destruction of our ecosystem, and our political gridlock that keeps us locked in endless conflict?
Although we can go through the five stages of love at any age, we usually aren’t able to fully engage in stage 5 until we reach midlife. As we reach middle age and beyond, we all have a desire to make a difference in the world. We usually think of this as our “calling” in life. At a time when we have to face the reality that we need to change our lives to live sustainably on the planet, many of us feel called to address these issues. My calling was to help men and women find real, lasting love so that together we could save humanity. My calling transcends my own personal joy in forming my relationship with Carlin. I want to make a difference in the world. This also applies to Carlin.
The Power to Two it enables us to do together what we could never do alone. My calling puts me more in the public arena worldwide, but I couldn’t do it without Carlin’s support and encouragement. Her calling is to make a difference with our family, friends and community. I am there for her and my support allows her to make her own difference in the world.
Joshua Wolf Shenk begins his book, Powers of Two: How Relationships Fuel Creativity with this quote from playwright Tony Kushner,
“The smallest indivisible human unit is two people, not one. one is fiction’.
Shenk begins the book with our shared belief in the power of one.
“For centuries, the myth of the solitary genius has loomed over us like a colossus.”
He goes on to look deeper into the power of two. He goes on to say,
“The dyad is the most fluid and flexible of relationships. Two people can basically build their own society on the fly. When one more person is added to the mix, the situation becomes more stable, but this stability can stifle creativity as roles and positions of authority harden. Three legs make a table stand in place. Two legs are made for walking or running for jumping or falling.’
Could you ask yourself what is your calling in life? What do you feel called to do that would make the world a little better? I believe that two people who experience real, lasting love can commit to sharing that love with the world. Think what the world would be like if more and more of us engaged in expressing real, lasting love.
An important lesson the coronavirus pandemic has taught me is that we are all connected. What affects each of us can affect us all. It also reminds me that humans are out of balance with the community of life on Earth. It was no accident that the virus spread from animals to humans. Humans continue to consume more and more of the Earth’s resources and invade the habit of other animal species.
In my book, The Illuminated Marriage: The 5 Transformational Stages of Relationships and Why the Best Are Yet to Come, I guide people through the 5 Stages of Love. In the final chapter, “You Two Can Change the World: If Not You, Who? If not now, when?” I say the environmental changes we’re seeing—everything from Covid-19 to extreme climate change—remind me of the movie Koyaanisqatsi: Life out of balance, a 1982 documentary film directed by Godfrey Reggio with music composed by Philip Glass. There was no dialogue in the film, only images and incredibly beautiful music. According to the Hopi dictionary, the word koyaanisqatsi (Hopi pronunciation: kojɑːnisˈkɑtsi) is defined as “a life of moral corruption and disorder” or “a life out of balance”.
In her book, The Watchman’s Rattle: A Radical New Theory of Collapse, Rebecca Costa offers an in-depth understanding of the underlying causes of this imbalance. It recognizes that complexity makes it difficult for humans to solve the problems we have created in the world.
Clearly, if human beings are to survive as a species, we must heal our connection to the earth. We also need to heal our connection to ourselves and each other. I believe that couples are called to this greater purpose. As our love extends outward, we want to work together to help save our children, grandchildren and all future generations.
Let me be clear, I’m not suggesting that every couple should find a big issue to tackle together. I’m not even suggesting that there is a single issue that both members of the couple will take on together. I’m saying that as we get into our 40s, 50s, and 60s, we begin to feel called to tackle bigger issues in the world. These issues may be an extension of our work, whether paid or voluntary, or they may be something that has been in the background of our lives and is now coming to the fore.
One person can take the lead on an issue and the other person can stay more in the background providing support. We may be the leader in one matter and the support person in another. Or there may be an issue that both members of the partnership want to address. Everyone can bring their own unique perspective and skills to the problem.
My wife, Carlin, and I continue to find ways to heal ourselves, heal our relationships, and extend healing to the world. If you’re in a relationship now, consider how the five stages of love might guide you and what you might want to commit to as you reach Stage 5, Using the Power of Two to do your part to change the world for the better.
I’m looking forward to hearing from you. Drop me a note at Jed@MenAlive.com (be sure to reply to the spamarrest filter when you write for the first time) or come visit me at www.MenAlive.com.
