For more helpful blog posts or to make an appointment click the link here: Tim Robinson Counsellor- Men’s Welfare Christchurch.
Below are some ideas that I have personally found helpful during my journey with stress and life in general. My clients have also found them useful. I hope you find them useful even as a starting point. If you think you need more one-on-one help, don’t hesitate to get in touch.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve been reflecting on my consulting practice and some of the more common issues that come up. A topic that comes up often is life transitions and how to negotiate them.
These transitions occur in a range of situations throughout life: A teenager making the transition from school to working life, living away from the family home for the first time, transitioning from single life to marriage, being a parent for the first time, changing jobs, changing roles in a job (employee to manager for example), becoming unexpectedly unemployed, having your children leave home, passing a loved one, to transitioning from working life in retirement and more.
During these times I observe clients in states of contemplation, reflection, anxiety, fear and at times temporary loss of identity.
Clients often ask themselves: Can I cope when my life changes? What will my new life look like? While others find it difficult to imagine life any other way.
Essentially, they wonder some version of: Who am I now? (In the absence of the role they are transitioning from).
Helpful tips for negotiating life transitions
There are a few things that I think are useful to keep in mind during these times. One is that you are probably experiencing a form of grief. We usually associate bereavement with the death of a loved one, but grief can be experienced with the loss of a job, a friendship, or any range of life events where some form of loss/ending is involved. Recognize this as normal, be kind to yourself and allow time to stop and think.
Change doesn’t have to be perfect and it doesn’t have to happen in a specific time frame. I’ve noticed that if there’s a time frame, it’s often self-imposed, and I’ll hear comments from clients like: Why haven’t I gotten over it yet? The irony is that pushing ourselves to get through something is often ineffective and actually makes it harder to process our feelings and thoughts. Ask yourself if you are being fair and reasonable with yourself. Would you expect the same “quick” recovery from a friend?
Second, accept that whenever you go through a transition in your life you will likely feel anxious, be prepared for it and recognize it as normal. It allows you to proceed in an informed yet careful manner. I also think that anticipating stress takes some of the “sting” out of it and it won’t be as much of a surprise. Essentially, “getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.” any time you face a change or a period of growth, it will likely involve a level of discomfort. The more you get used to this discomfort and expect it as part of the change process, the easier it becomes. Anxiety is not necessarily a sign of anything bad. I’m sure we’ve all had the experience of being nervously excited about something.
Third, one of the most useful things you can do is to review what your values are and check whether the impending change is consistent with them. In the employment example: Do you want to work fixed hours or would you like something more flexible? Is money important to you or do you gain pleasure through the more social aspects of your job? Is family extremely important? (In this case you may want flexible hours). What are your strengths? Is this a job that will utilize them? What gives you the most satisfaction at work? How can you ensure you have more of them?
A job doesn’t have to be a perfect fit right away, we all have to start somewhere, but it’s helpful to know where you want to go and where you want the job to fit into the overall “fabric” of your life.
And a more general question: How do you want the next period of your life to be?
I often ask retirees the last question. Men often gain a large part of their identity through their work, so when it comes time to retire, it’s often unusual or they feel a little lost. I often ask them if there is something they have always wanted to do in their life, but never had the chance to do.
In response, customers often associate a hobby or interest. It could be restoring a vintage car, learning to cook or reconnecting with an interest they used to have, such as playing a sport, competing in a triathlon, doing more bushwalking, fishing more, learning to paint or to plan. I find that, when you think about it, a lot of interesting opportunities come out, and these men tend to be at an age where they have the time and resources to pursue other interests. At first glance some see it as the beginning of the end. It certainly doesn’t have to be.
Another aspect to remember is that it is much easier to move towards something if you have some idea of what you want it to look like. In a counseling session I will spend time co-creating a description of this future with my client (a practice common to the solution-focused therapy in which I am trained). This creates something of a “rehearsal” for change while also opening up possibilities, and focusing on possibilities is a more “active” state than fear or anxiety. If you want an in-depth exercise you can do yourself that focuses on your values, check out this link: valuescardsort_0.pdf (motivationalinterviewing.org).
It’s important to remember that you don’t have to be perfect and that everything usually works out in the end, even if we take a few steps back before moving forward! Each transition in your life creates a unique opportunity to learn, grow, and become more confident in negotiating your lifestyle. Looking back on your life, you can probably remember opportunities that you were very anxious about and that ended up being one of the best things you could have done (whether the experience was good or bad).
See life’s transitions as an opportunity for something new, accept stress if it appears (it’s just a sign that you’re moving forward), and check that you’re moving in the desired direction (is it in line with my values?).
If we never had transitions in life, we wouldn’t grow, learn and improve, so embrace it, be kind to yourself and take life’s opportunities head on. Courage breeds confidence and going through life definitely takes a lot of courage!
Tim Robinson- Advisor.
Below are some questions I’ve come up with that you might find helpful.
Helpful questions to help negotiate life transitions
Is the life transition I am about to make consistent with my values? What would have to change to make it consistent?
What do I want the next stage of my life to look like? (Or what am I working towards?)
What strengths and abilities did I tap into the last time I negotiated a life transition (or something difficult)? What helped me overcome?
What do I know about myself that tells me I can overcome this in a way I’m happy with?
What can I gain from this experience? (Regardless of whether it turns out good or bad).
What advice would you give to a friend going through a life transition? How can I apply the same advice in my life?
What do I know about myself that tells me I will be okay? (Regardless of the result).
For more helpful blog posts or to make an appointment visit: www.timrobinsoncounsellor.com
