There is no such thing as “low” or “high” sex drive. It is different for everyone and of course changes with the ups and downs of life. Stress, responsibilities and everyday pressures can all affect your desire for sex.
1. Broaden the definition of enjoyment
Many of us grew up absorbing intimate and often shame-based messages about sex. In fact, pleasure may not have been discussed at all in sex education classes. You may not associate pleasure with sex. When sex is associated with pleasure, it is often used synonymously with orgasm. But pleasurable sex goes beyond orgasm, it can just be about exploring the other person’s body or your own and what you enjoy.
But the idea of enjoyment should not end there. Pleasure can mean joy, ecstasy, relief, satisfaction, delight. There are so many things in life that can bring on these feelings.
2. Increase sexual currency
For people in long-term relationships, the idea that every touch causes sex or “leads somewhere” can have a huge impact on how you interact with each other. This idea creates pressure and stress if you don’t want to have sex but want intimacy.
Increasing your sexual currency can help reduce this pressure. Sexual currency refers to regular intimate, affectionate gestures that are not related to sex, but are things you would only do with a partner. Here are some examples:
- Passionate kiss
- Kiss on the neck
- Shoulder massage
- Holding hands
- Compliments
- Send messages as if you met
By making these gestures part of your daily routine, without any expectation that they will lead to sex, you can rebuild a sense of closeness. Relearning that touch can be pleasurable in itself can help reframe your idea of pleasure and intimacy.
These small actions can also help you navigate the bridge between roommate and romantic partner and help keep that side of your relationship alive.
3. Build intimacy
Intimacy is more than just being there for your partner, it’s about feeling understood and connected to them on a deeper level. Over time, work, stress, and routines can make it easier to lose that sense of closeness.
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How to build intimacy in a relationship
4. Reconnect with what brings you joy
Sometimes a lack of desire for sex can come from feeling disconnected from yourself. If you don’t have free time to do the things you enjoy, then you may also find sex a secondary consideration.
Things in life create ripple effects. If we look for the positive in life and create joy in our lives, we tend to be happier and more relaxed. This helps us enjoy everything more, including sex.
Spend some time thinking about what makes you happy. Maybe it’s a hobby like gardening, spending time with friends or learning something new. Making time for these activities helps create your own identity, gives you more space and improves your mental health.
Gardening is a wonderful hands-on activity, it gets you moving, thinking and connecting with the world around you. I really enjoy it because the results are visible. you can really see the progress and beauty unfold. It changes the feel of my balcony, turning it into a little green haven in the middle of London’s concrete jungle. There’s something heart-warming about bringing a little nature into the gray and it’s so easy!
Annie, Participation Advisory Group Member
5. Improve your relationship with your body
Our bodies are absolutely incredible biological machines. Finding ways to appreciate your body for the way it cares for you and carries you into the world will help you improve your relationship with your body.
- Move: You could set a goal (walk a certain distance, perfect a yoga move, learn a dance routine, lift 1 pound heavier) and work with your body to get there. When you reach the goal, your gratitude for your body will increase.
- Clothes: How we dress can also make us feel more confident. Take some time to find what clothes show your personality and feel the best in you.
- Do a photo shoot: You could do a private photoshoot, taking photos that show off your body in a way that feels good. You keep them or delete them later.
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