Trauma sticks with you and can affect many different parts of life. Unfortunately, 70% of adults they have experienced a trauma in their life. Everyone responds to trauma differently, and both sexual and non-sexual trauma can affect our sex lives. I won’t pretend to be able to speak to all the ways that trauma interacts with sexuality. Instead, I’ll offer some of the tips that have worked best for my clients (and myself) on intimacy after trauma, while respecting that you may have different methods that work for you.
Identifying stress/trauma reactions
Here are four examples of acute stress reactions: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. These four styles speak to how a mind/body that feels threatened can respond to the threat (or respond when it feels like it’s reliving a past threat).
These can be activated/triggered regardless of whether the threat is physical, mental, emotional, etc. For example, let’s say you’re flirting with someone you like but they make a move that makes you feel insecure (or triggers a negative memory of your past with someone else) and your stress or trauma response is triggered. You may start pushing them or yelling at them (fight). Or you might get up and leave (flight). Maybe you become rigid and unresponsive without knowing what to do (freeze). You might even come to terms with the move, pretending everything is fine because you don’t want to upset the person you’re with while in your head you’re uncomfortable, scared, upset, and/or wishing it would end (fawn).
While some people have a positive response, you may find that yours changes from situation to situation and over time. What is important is that you begin to identify what is happening to you when you are in a state of trauma so that you can communicate it to others.
Tips for communicating about trauma reactions
I’m a big believer in meeting people where they are. Therefore, these tools do not seek to change you or your responses, but work within the current context. You deserve support now, even if you’re not ready to work through your enablers and enablers.
Manage expectations
No matter what type of stress response you have, it is helpful to share this information with people you interact with if it is possible that your interactions with them may trigger a trauma-induced stress response. If they are supportive people, this will help prepare them mentally so they can respond with care rather than possible defensiveness or numbness. Sharing possible outcomes of a trauma response also lets people know what to expect. It also creates an opportunity to create mutual care plans, as the situation can also be distressing for others, especially if it is unexpected.
Be descriptive
The more you know about your own situation, the more useful information you can share. However, you don’t have to share anything about your story or the original trauma to be descriptive and get support. Types of information that could help partners support you:
- Types of situations that might trigger a response so they can try to avoid them.
- Type(s) of fear reaction you are likely to have and how to identify them (especially with freeze and fawn which can be harder to identify).
- What should they do if the situation arises.
- How to support you during the response.
It’s also okay if you don’t know the answers to these questions. Learning these answers can take time.
Create a check-in
For sexual encounters, check in before you start, agree to check in during, and, during aftercare, discuss how things went.
Pre-meeting
The previous two sections are great pre-meeting questions. Defining the appearance of check-ins, which will be covered during the peri, is also a great preparation tool.
About/during the meeting
For those who freeze and sulk, communicating distress in the moment can be difficult, and your partner may miss it (or choose to ignore more subtle signs of stress). To prepare for this effort:
Safe words (spoken and physical)
It can be helpful to find a code word that is easy to say in the moment and can be a substitute for expressing complex feelings or emotions. The safe word can act as a pause for a longer check-in and/or period. Support partners can also offer this during meetings as an invitation for the person if they struggle to say it themselves.
If the words don’t seem possible, use physical markers. When something hurts, I use a double tap, which you can also use if you feel insecure.
Multiple check-in options
Ask a partner(s) to give you multiple choice options on how to proceed during intercourse. This includes a pause/discontinuation and/or non-sexual choice. For example, instead of choosing a next action, they can ask, (a) do you want to continue (b) do you want me to put you down, or (c) do you want to stop and watch TV.
Post meeting
Even with all precautions, things can go wrong, especially if one has a tendency to stagnate. After intercourse, share what went well and what, if anything, didn’t. Find solutions on how to avoid anything that didn’t work in the future. Affirm each other on what worked.
Last note
You can have these conversations with anyone, a friend with benefits or a romantic partner, as long as they are open to it. However, if you find that you’re talking to someone who isn’t interested in sharing information about how to reduce re-injury during sex, consider whether or not they’re going to be a safe partner.
If you or someone you know has survived sexual trauma and needs help, you can get support here.
