Here are some things to keep in mind if you’re going to talk to a friend about mental health.
1. Make sure you have headspace
You don’t want to start a conversation that you don’t have the attention or focus for. Start the conversation only when you feel you can give your friend the time and attention he deserves. and if that’s not now, then that’s okay – you need to take care of yourself too.
2. Go somewhere quiet
Make sure you are in a quiet place where you can easily talk without worrying about being overheard. Sometimes walking can help you talk more freely about things – walking side by side is not as intense as sitting face to face. Try to avoid crowded places or anywhere where your time could be limited.
3. Validate their feelings
It is very important to let your friend know that their feelings make sense.
It’s okay to feel that way. I’m here and I’ve got your back.
We all react and think differently to situations – there is no right way. Just because your friend doesn’t handle something the same way you would, doesn’t mean it’s the wrong way. Whatever one feels or believes is valid.
It’s also not helpful to say “oh, everyone feels like this…” or “don’t worry, we all feel sad sometimes” as this is invalidating and can make them feel like they’re making a big deal out of nothing.
What did our followers say?
It is NOT helpful when friends talk like things are easy and can’t understand why it might be difficult for others.
4. Be patient and actively listen
Don’t interrupt them or leave silences – it may take them time to talk things out or figure out how to explain it to you. Don’t rush them – let them tell you in their own time.
Make sure you give them your full attention. Repeating their words in a summary of what they have told you, maintaining eye contact, nodding can all show that you are listening and help them feel understood.
Everyone’s mental health journey is different – your friend may not be ready to get support yet. Be patient and reassure them that you are there when they need it.
What did our followers say?
They found it useful when…
- Friends show a genuine interest in how I feel
- Friends listened and responded with empathy
- I don’t feel judged
- Friends aren’t going to get bored of me having the same problem over and over again
- My friends let me take my time explaining what’s going on. You never force me to talk.
5. Don’t offer solutions unless they ask for them
Sometimes people will come to you because they want your advice, especially if you have experience of what they are going through.
Other times people just want someone to listen to them and understand how they feel. If you’re not sure, you can ask them how they want you to help.
How can I help you with this?
If someone just wants a listening ear, offering solutions may not be the best way to help them.
The solutions you propose may not be the ones that will suit them. So if your friend wants you to help them in this way, make sure you take the time to first understand their situation and support them in finding solutions that work for them.
What did our followers say?
They found it helpful when friends shared their experiences and were more open about them.
It didn’t help when their friends told them they had to do things a certain way as if they knew what was best.
6. Avoid toxic contagion
While you may be trying to cheer your friend up, trying to be upbeat or really cool about things can make you seem like you don’t realize how much something is affecting them or how they’re feeling. You may feel like you’re doing no harm by putting a positive spin on a situation, but it can make them feel like they’re doing something bigger than they should.
Toxic positivity is the pressure to display only positive emotions and hide or ignore any negative ones. Saying things like “brush it off”, “everything will be fine”, “keep your chin up”, “look on the bright side…” can be unhealthy, invalidating and lead to isolation.
What did our followers say?
It didn’t help them when friends said…
- “Everything happens for a reason”
- “Do not worry”
- “Do not panic”
- “You have nothing to worry about”
- “You just have to have a positive attitude”
- “At least you have/are…”
- “You will be fine”
7. Don’t push them to talk or ask too many questions
They may not want to talk about it when you bring it up – acknowledge that it’s okay if they don’t want to, but you’re there if/when they do, and you want and want to support them.
Remember that some days will be easier and some days worse for your friend, so they may need space every now and then and you should respect that.
8. Don’t do it for you
It can be easy to compare our own experiences to other people’s and talk about our own struggles as a way of empathizing. But that might not be helpful, particularly if your experience doesn’t relate to theirs.
It’s always nice to know you’re not alone and that other people have experienced similar struggles, but it’s probably best to save that conversation for another time unless you’re asked to talk about it.
Instead, give your friend time to talk about how they feel and listen to their unique situation.
What did our followers say?
It didn’t help them when friends…
- He spoke negatively about other people he knows who are struggling
- They minimized it, compared it to something unrelated, or started talking about themselves.
