If your child has ever dug in their heels on the morning of school track or cross country day or refused to speak in front of the class, you are not alone.
For some kids, these kinds of events bring a heavy, anxious feeling: what if I’m the slowest, what if everyone’s watching, what if I get it wrong?
For parents, it can be difficult to know what to do. Push too hard and it’s melting in the morning. Leave them and worry that you’ve taught them to opt out.
Is it ever okay to follow their lead? And how do you give them the best chance to go next time?
Why (gently) dealing with fears matters
When we avoid something we fear, we feel instant relief. This relief is powerful, and it is teaches the brain that avoidance worked. Over time, the fear grows and the urge to avoid gets stronger This applies to all of us, not just children.
So, in general, it helps children to face fears faster rather than later, before the avoidance is installed.
But that doesn’t mean you force a child to panic. Pushing too hard can confirm to them that the situation is really dangerous.
It’s worth helping your child deal with fear before avoidance takes over. How it looks depends on what drives it.
Start by understanding what’s going on
If you can see a difficult day coming up, talk to your child about how he’s feeling beforehand. Ask gentle questions to find out what the resistance really is.
Did something happen last time? Something going on with friends? Is your child worried about failing, being judged or being laughed at?
You can say:
I noticed you were very quiet when dad mentioned track day. Are you worried about something?
Children won’t always have the words right away, so give them time. It can help to have these conversations side-by-side rather than face-to-face: at bedtime, walking or driving together. No eye contactchildren find it easier to think and talk about difficult things.
Try not to jump to saying “you’ll be fine” or “there’s nothing to worry about.” This can be seen as a rejection of the feeling and your child may stop talking. Listening can help children open up.
Validate the feeling
Once you understand what’s going on, let your child know that the feeling makes sense before suggesting what to do. Children find it easier to think of solutions when they do they feel heard. You can say:
I can see that this is too big now. It’s reasonable to worry.
Stop and be silent for a moment. They may start to cry, which is often a part of it fear processing.
This often happens when we are tempted to save them or to reassure them. Instead, try to remain just a supportive presence. You can offer a hug and say, “That sounds really hard.”
Then work out a plan together
At this point, help your child think about what participation might look like in a way that feels safe and wieldy for them. You can say:
I wonder what can make it easier to go? What is a small part of it that you think you could manage?
Options might be to walk the cross country instead of running it, read the speech to a trusted teacher before presenting it to the class, or go ahead and just observe to get started.
For some events, it is worth talking quietly with the teacher as well, so the plan works both at school and at home. The goal isn’t a perfect performance, it’s to help your child participate in a way they can manage.
Try not to rush or pressure them. If they say “I don’t know” acknowledge it can be hard to think when you’re feeling anxious. Sometimes it helps to take a short break and come back to explore options later.
On the day
You can calmly remind them of what has been discussed. It may help to state what you would like to happen and then give the child a chance to express how they feel:
It’s time to go. I know this isn’t easy and a part of you really doesn’t want to do this.
If they get upset, stay close and let the feelings be there. No need to fix it or rush them. A hand on their back or a quiet “I’m here” is often enough.
Children often need they feel their fear before they could cross it. This is where courage grows. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to move forward even when there is fear.
When children see that they can handle their worries and still participate, they begin to develop confidence in their ability to face challenges.
Is it ever okay to follow their lead?
Sometimes, yes, if your child is really upset, taking a short step back will help them regain their composure. sense of control.
One time exception is not a problem and kids are allowed to dislike things.
The warning sign is a pattern: when avoidance comes in more often or your child misses out on things they really want to do.
If there is a history of bullying, a bad past experience, or their fear and anxiety is starting to limit their daily life, it’s worth seeing your doctor for a referral to a psychologist who works with children.
How to approach ‘achievement’ and ‘engagement’ in general
Most of what helps a child “do well” is built into the everyday conversations at home, not the morning of the event. It’s about gently setting expectations: that we don’t always have to win, be the best, or get it right, and that’s okay.
Some topics are worth weaving often.
The first is everyone has a different mind and body so some things will come more or less easily to each of us. The difference is normal and worthy of admiration regardless of ranking. You can say:
I enjoyed learning from my colleague Penny at work today. He knows so much about how water works in the environment.
The second is this ability is built, not bestowed. Children often think of sports, music or performance as fixed talents that you either have or you don’t. But ability develops with practice. A child who plays sports every day will find running on track day easier because he has put in the time, not because he was born for it.
The third is to help children they notice progress over their own past selvesinstead of ranking.
Last week you could swim 20 meters, and now you swim almost 30!
And fourth, Perseverance in something difficult is the real achievement. It’s easy to do what you’re already good at. Sticking with what doesn’t come easily is harder, and it’s worth calling it when you see it.
I can see how frustrated you are with your reading. I keep going – when it’s so hard it’s the part I’m most proud of.
The target is not a fearless child
The goal is a child who learns, over time and in small steps, that he can do difficult things and that being different from the child next to him is okay and a normal part of his life.
