I learned a valuable lesson years ago at a beach bonfire party for my work. My boyfriend at the time came with me and on the way to the event we talked about Dale Carnegie’s book, How to win friends and influence people. He decided to try out one of the book’s main takeaways: Ask questions to find out what someone cares about, then honestly ask follow-up questions to really understand their opinions, passions, and ideas.
It worked? Yes. Brilliant.
There were only 10 people at the party and two of the attendees went out of their way to tell me how much they enjoyed talking to my friend and especially he said that he was a great conversationalist. What they really meant, however, was that he showed sustained genuine interest in what mattered to them and let them speak for themselves. And they felt really good about the conversation.
Although my friend was happy that they enjoyed talking to him, he didn’t like how one-sided the conversations were because others didn’t ask him questions or show interest in what mattered to him. But we both learned a valuable lesson about how to make another person feel important, interested, and heard. And we also learned how to be perceived as a good conversationalist.
Were you ever taught how to be a good conversationalist?
Has anyone ever taught you how to ask meaningful questions and listen with the intent to understand?
Being a good conversationalist is a skill set. One of the key qualities is curiosity for the sake of getting to know and learning from another human being. Two of the main skills in this are asking meaningful questions and listening.
As humans, it feels good to be seen and known by someone else. When someone wants to hear us talk about what matters to us, we feel deeply validated and worthy.
Unfortunately, this is probably the same reason why many people are United Nationsthey are good at asking detailed questions and listening intently – unskilled at being good conversationalists – because they want to talk about what they care about. These they want to feel validated and worthy, not realizing that we ALL want to feel that way.
I don’t think most people do this on purpose. I think they are just ignorant.
Ideally, when two people come together for a conversation, both people ask questions and show interest. However, as we all know, this is often not the case. I ended up categorizing people’s ability or awareness to ask questions into four categories. Reflect on your experiences with people who:
1. Don’t ask questions. This person really wants to talk about themselves or talk about what they know and think is interesting and that others want to hear what they have to say. If you’re talking, they often don’t listen fully because they’re thinking about what they want to say next and may interrupt you. Other times it seems like they’re just waiting for a pause in your speech to start their own story or share their “knowledge,” regardless of what you just said.
2. Ask superficial questions. This person asks the general “How was your day?” or “What’s new for you?”, but then they quickly pull the conversation back to themselves and dominate the conversation. They are the same as #1, but they stop occasionally to ask you a general question.
3. Ask more detailed questions…but only those that are relevant to them. This type of person confused me at first, especially in the dating world. They ask questions about things you’ve done or your opinions on issues, but only because those issues matter to them or affect them. For example, someone asks you about whether you have been to Italy, but not because they want to know about your travels, but because they want an opening to talk about their trip to Italy. And if you share about your journey, they’re only half listening until they can jump back in and talk about their experiences or insights.
4. Ask detailed questions and follow-up questions…and you’re really curious and they listen. This person really wants to know about the things that matter to you, what you have learned through certain experiences in life, and why you are so passionate about a certain subject or activity. They ask in-depth follow-up questions, digging deeper to better understand you and the topic. When they have a similar story or experience, they either drop it into the conversation in passing or wait until you share your story to bring it up.
Different settings obviously warrant different conversational approaches. If you’re stuck in an airplane seat next to a #1 or #2, it might not be in your best interest to ask too many questions, unless your iPad battery is dead, you forgot your book, or the person is knowledgeable or experiences that are of particular interest to you.
Conversely, there are times when you’re visiting with an old friend or drinking out with a lively group that your conversation is fast-paced, with enthusiastic vacations and story-telling. I’ve also definitely had interactions with a person who is an expert in their field, who has impressive accomplishments, or a life story so different from mine that I just want to ask questions and learn about them and from them.
However, overall, the ideal is for both people to be present, listening and asking questions to learn more.
If you want to up your questioning game, here are some prompts to get you started. All of this can be followed up with a series of specific “whys” to dive deeper into:
1. What was the highlight for you this week? How did it make you feel?
2. What does this mean for you?
3. What is something you are most passionate about?
4. What is one thing you learned from this experience?
5. What has been a challenge for you recently?
6. What’s something fun you’ve done recently?
7. What are you looking forward to this summer/fall/winter/spring?
8. It looks like you’re really enjoying it – I’d love to hear why?
9. Who inspires you?
Your intention is not to be fake or play a game, but to see your fellow man as someone worthy of your time, respect and listening. It takes patience, awareness, curiosity and care to engage with another human being in this way. It also requires the humility to realize that what you have to say is not the most important thing. This may require retraining your brain and emotional awareness, but it is truly a gift to hear, see and understand another person in this way.
~ Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus — Sociologist, Intimacy Speaker and Communication Coach
