Low testosterone levels can cause a variety of health problems. Obesity, heart disease, osteoporosis, brain fog, lethargy, and even depression can be attributed to low testosterone. One aspect of this condition that is always difficult to treat is the accompanying low libido that plagues many men. Some men simply lose their appetite for sexual activity. It’s not that they consciously don’t want to, but most men in our culture have relied on libido and sex drive as motivation for sexual activity. Evaluate your symptoms to determine if low testosterone may be the cause of your symptoms.
A couple in my office were discussing the frustration of living with a man low libido. The woman lamented the fact that somehow, she had been transported to the “friend” zone without ever realizing it. It felt like they were living as roommates and not lovers. They knew they still loved each other, but the sexual chemistry and energy between them was just gone. Western culture is partly responsible for some of the difficulties in these situations. Women have been told that their libido and sexual desire is their own responsibility. Many women make the mistake of assuming that if he’s not interested in sex, it’s somehow their fault. This is a common lie that women feed their entire lives (the same lie that fuels the erectile dysfunction dilemma).
Men often get confused because they don’t know what’s going on. They can’t understand why they don’t care. They have always relied on sex drive to drive their sex lives. They are often just as confused as their partners. Many men describe how they feel when they see delicious food in front of them – they enjoy the sight and smell but have absolutely no desire to eat it.
Many partners take it upon themselves to do something to arouse the man to respond sexually. Partners try various techniques – sexy talk, underwear, suggesting favorite sexual activities – anything they can think of to stoke the flames of passion (usually to no avail). When these efforts fail, many partners may feel a multitude of emotions: isolated, lonely, angry, sad, bitter, and resentful, to name a few. Many men feel this and instead of reaching out, they tend to retreat into a cave of pain and confusion. I have had countless patients tell me that in these cases, their solution was withdrawal. Instead of touching their partner, they avoid touch because they feel that touch must lead to contact and they don’t want to start something they can’t finish.
The solution in this dilemma is to unravel many lies about sex that most of us believe throughout our lives. The first is that we have sex when we are horny. This belief can prevent the full autonomy of the sex life. Men have relinquished making decisions about their sex lives to their hormone levels. Instead of intentional, thoughtful, careful nurturing of their relationships, intimacy is left to circumstance, open schedules, and hormone levels. The key is for men to recognize that sexual intimacy is a path to stability, relationship happiness, and even self-esteem. It’s fine for the teenager or young man to be driven by hormones, but a mature relationship requires careful preparation, purposeful action, and a selfless focus on our partner’s needs. Instead of waiting for our hormone levels to fire us up to have sex, we have to make the mental decision that sex is good for our relationship and quality of life.
The second thought I want to bring up is the idea that sex should be sex. With low testosterone/low libido, it can be very difficult for men to achieve a reliable erection. In this case, the sexual activity needs to shift from a reproductive-style intercourse to playful, engaging and pleasure-focused fun. I often tell my patients that the desire for intercourse can often hinder the spontaneity and connection of sexual activity. For example, I suggest men take out the coconut oil and cover their partner from head to toe in it and just start playing with each other’s bodies. Most couples don’t try to conceive during sex, so while intercourse is always on the menu, maybe it should be optional and not the main focus. Erotic massage, sex toys, intimate touch, manual stimulation, all these options can be very satisfying if we let go of our cultural beliefs about what sex should be.
So how do we arouse a man with low testosterone? The answer is, we don’t. The most useful goal is probably stimulation. The most useful goal may be to feel connected, bonded, validated, approved, loved, understood, and valued. Excitement is great, but it’s not necessary to accomplish these goals. Many couples will benefit from speaking with a therapist or sex educator/counselor to help navigate this transition to a broader understanding of sexual activity. While health professionals focus on creating optimal testosterone levels and ultimately a higher libido, it’s important to stay focused on the core goals that sustain a relationship.
If you have problems with arousal, low libido, erections or low T, please contact us to schedule a free phone consultation. Our team of sexual health experts can help.
