I grew up in a household where quality relationships were always a top priority. My mom was a relationship and sex counselor where she often shared her insights. Also, my parents always prioritized a supportive and healthy relationship with each other. He has taught me so much and sets the bar high!
It’s safe to say that my marriage is probably the most important thing in my life, along with family. Perfect.
Relationships are a beautiful journey of connection and understanding. It is to know each other deeply, to share the joys and difficulties of life. No matter what form it takes, understanding another person on a soul level is one of the most rewarding experiences in life.
A healthy relationship is absolutely a priority for Dean and I as we enter our 14th year together.
I’m sharing 10 practices that continue to keep us close and connected, even as we build a business together (which can be extremely stressful to say the least!). I hope these inspire you in your own relationships as well.
- Weekends together: We try to avoid all work (for the last few years) and enjoy a lot of quality time together. Walking, going to the gym and preparing meals together. If we had kids, we’d just have them join in on that quality time, as well as make sure we get some alone time!
- Technology off until 9.30pm every night: It completely changed our life!
- There are no phones in the bedroom: This helps to allow our bedroom to be a nurturing space that is calm, relaxed and healthy for us to be together. Dean knows how to get calls down or out.
- Annual leave together: During Christmas every year since JSHealth started, Dean and I take off for two weeks, just the two of us, and enjoy some special time together. This is how we recover from an intense work year. Getting off social media during this time is also very important.
- Avoiding comparison/what others think: I remember being in relationships where I cared so much about what other people thought. I’m a natural people pleaser and sensitive about it in general. When I met Dean, I remember feeling like the rest of the world didn’t matter…and the truth is, we feel like our world together is so precious that we don’t need any outside input, validation, or comparison. Reminding ourselves of the importance of phasing out the judgments of others and focusing on your own truth is very important.
- Avoiding perfection: We are both type A personalities – we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to make everything ‘perfect’. We really work hard to not allow this to be a factor in our relationship. For example, if we don’t spend as much time together during the week as we’d like, or some weeks our intimacy is less than others due to work exhaustion, that’s okay. I think in the world we live in, we have unrealistic expectations. When you release that pressure, you see clearly that what matters is what happens most of the era. We always remind ourselves “you don’t have to always be perfect”.
- Reduce stress for better sex: I don’t like to talk too much about my sex life, because I know that this kind of conversation can lead to comparison. Having a sexologist mom, I know how important sex is, but also that it falls flat. Dean and I both value intimacy in our relationship and make sure we spend time together that leads to natural desire and a healthy sex life. I will tell you, for many people, sex gets better with age. I just know my body so well now. I also believe that the body needs to feel relaxed – so reducing stress in one’s life is very important to keep romance alive.
- We know what matters: Our marriage comes first, no matter what. The rest is our second priority. We work together and so that mindset is vital and probably a huge reason why we work so well together. If work and work came first, they would cause us enormous stress.
- Being there for each other through thick and thin: We have a beautiful life full of blessings, but I’ve also had a pretty debilitating mental health challenge the past couple of years after a personal trauma that caused me PTSD symptoms. The stress I felt was related to the loss of loved ones. My biggest fears surfaced. To be 100% transparent, I felt like I was going to lose the people closest to me, including Dean. I had terrible disturbing thoughts about the loss. Dean was so strong and selfless to me. Of course, I might have to do the same for him one day. This is life – it is beautiful and there are times when it is full of pain. You have to make that conscious choice to be there for each other through the good and the bad. Even though the last two years have been so difficult, it has actually brought us closer. Difficult times help you connect with life and loved ones even more deeply.
- Respect: If you don’t have it for each other, everything suffers. It is probably the main reason why we can work together every day.
With all of the above, what matters most is that we “do our best”!
A note to also say that our culture through the media (movies, books, etc.) has glorified romance and relationships to a level that can seem impossible to achieve. I see this so much at work and in my personal life. I’ll never forget reading a post on Instagram recently that said: A healthy love relationship is one that feels like a warm bowl of oatmeal with cinnamon and honey. It feels safe, warm inside and right. It feels good for the soul. It’s not a cake that’s dripping with glitter, frosting and over chocolate.
And it’s so true!
A relationship is where two people come together and embark on a journey that is imperfect, but perhaps, a life experience where you get to know yourself and another person at their core, bringing immense meaning, joy and beauty all around.
Comparing your relationship to others is really harmful because every relationship is so different.
I can only hold in my heart each day that this immense love and joy continues for a lifetime.
Love,
Jess H
