In this essay, certified sexuality counselor Evelyn Resh reflects on how our sex lives and perceptions of pleasure change over time.

I recently celebrated my 55th birthday. As time goes on, I find myself enjoying my birthday more now than when I was younger. I have none of that “let’s pretend it’s not happening” feeling that many of my friends have. I love cakes and presents and if anything, my birthday allows me to ask for and enjoy both. This year, my best gift of all was my partner’s offer to help me clean out my home office.

The big day arrived and we stepped up to take the bull by the horns. I have an amazing ability to work productively in the midst of massive clutter and dust. However, even I have my limits, and with my second book hitting store shelves now, I agreed it was time to clean up the mess that had accumulated over the last two years of writing it.

We started with my bookshelf which holds much more than just books. True to my partner’s way she started at the top and fell down. There was an old boot box on the top shelf, the contents of which I had forgotten. When Robin opened the box, I looked inside and exclaimed, “Wow, look at THAT! OMG we sure are ambitious then! What were we thinking? Get rid of these things.’ Inside the box was an impressive selection of sex toys from about 10 years ago. How things have changed! I took one look at the variety and wanted to run for the hills.

People I see for sex counseling often complain that they didn’t have the kind of sex in their long-term relationships that they had in the beginning, when things were really hot and nobody could keep their hands off each other. I understand what they are saying. I also know that nothing is static in life, including our sexuality. Many of us use an anachronistic reference point when describing and evaluating our sex lives in the present. No matter what age you are, the gender you are now can’t help but be different from the one you were 20 years ago. Everything changes with time. However, many people find it difficult to let their sexuality and sexual expression change along with everything else in life. Maybe if they did they would feel less frustrated and judgmental about the sex they have as they get older.

Personally, I am satisfied and still deeply moved by what is happening in my more intimate life with my partner now, after almost 21 years together and 22 years older than when we first met. And while none of us can fit the box of fun and loved ones from the past anymore, what has replaced it is something I find just right for where I am in life now. When I put my novel aside and chose sex, it reassures me. It confirms that there is no limit to the pleasure I can experience from the fusion of skin and soul. I’m grateful for that and I never think of it as an award compared to what we had and did. If I had the kind of sex now that I did 20 years ago, and just as often, I’d be on life support in the ICU of our local hospital. I couldn’t keep up and honestly, I don’t care about it anymore.

Thursday mornings are the slowest time at our local dump. Therefore, we decided to take our now obsolete sex toys that day, along with the other trash, and dispose of them with minimal risk of being found by one of our neighbors. With the box in hand, Robin whispered, “Here it goes,” and walked over to the trash compactor and tossed the toy box inside, never to be seen again. I felt a sigh of relief, calm and pleasantly reminiscent. These games were from a different time in our lives – not better, just different. I like where we are now. I’m not sad about how we and our sex lives have changed, and although I work diligently to keep sex alive and well for me and in our marriage, I’m impressed by how our sexual history has helped shape and inform of our sexual life in the present. That I have loved these toys so long ago is a statement of my ability and willingness to enjoy my body and my wife’s body in a way that is unique to us as lovers. This has not gone away. It just changed shape and fits who we are now, not who we were then.

I still like sex toys and so does she. But the choice is different and perhaps a little less ambitious.

© E. Resh 2013 Reprinted with permission