When I was growing up, all the caregivers in my world were women. The first memories I had of our family when my mother, father and I enjoyed life in our little house in the San Fernando Valley town of Sherman Oaks ended when my father became ill. I was told he had suffered a “nervous breakdown”, which made no sense to a five-year-old, but I felt safe knowing my mother was there to take care of me.
There were female caregivers at the preschool I attended, and my kindergarten and first grade teachers were female. My pediatrician was a caring man, Dr. Minton, but the nurse in his office was a woman. Raised by a single mom growing up, I met and interacted with other moms taking care of younger children. It seemed clear that caring, especially for younger children, was primarily women’s work.
When I grew up, I vowed that I would find the right partner, get married, have two children, preferably a boy and a girl, raise them well and live happily ever after. It didn’t work out that way at all. I met and married the young woman I met in college. As planned, we had a son and then adopted a baby girl. But the challenges of life separated us and we parted.
We both wanted to be primary caregivers for our children, but the court system favored the mother. Like many fathers, I became the secondary caregiver. But that changed when our daughter became more of a problem for my ex-wife and eventually came to live with me.
Back then, it was unusual for a man to take care of a small child. When I took Angela to the local park to play, there were lots of single mums with young children, but I was the only male. When I volunteered to help in her elementary school class, I was the only male there, too. This was a time when many male caregivers were viewed with suspicion. I knew the looks I got from women. Why would a man want to be in a classroom with small children?
How did it happen? Father knows best Become The father knows less or the father is abusive?
Dr. Warren Farrell has been selected by the Financial Times as one of the world’s top 100 thought leaders. His books are published in more than 50 countries and in 19 languages. They include the New York Times best-seller, Because men are the way they are and his latest book, The boys crisis co-authored with John Gray.
In The boys crisis asks,
“So how did it happen Father knows best become The father knows less-or Father Molestes? As divorces tore families apart, the 1950s forces of his time Father knows best transformed into the forces of his time The father knows less. The swashbuckling Homer Simpson inspired the longest-running prime-time sitcom in American television history, with over six hundred episodes to date, spanning the Reagan presidencies through Trump. Maybe the second place in The father knows less the contest goes to clueless dads Everyone loves Raymond.”
Father Time: How dads are called to change the world for good
Dr. Sarah Hrdy is an anthropologist and primate and one of the world’s leading experts on the evolutionary basis of female behavior in both nonhuman and human primates. Dr. Hrdy has recently turned her attention to men. I was lucky enough to meet Dr. Hrdy and interview her for a series of articles on men’s grooming.
“It’s long been taken for granted that women take care of babies and men take care of other things,” says Hrdy. “When evolutionary science emerged, it marked this time-honored division of labor: male mammals evolved to compete for status and mates, while females were specifically made to conceive, nurse, and otherwise nurture the winners’ offspring.”
Hrdy admits that it took her a long time to recognize and appreciate men’s ability to care. In her book, Father Time: A Natural History of Men and Babies, Dr. Hrdy shatters the myths that have kept men cut off from our evolutionary, God-given rights to care for, nurture, and hold our sons and daughters from the moment of their birth until… forever.
“My unexpected discovery,” says Dr. Hrdy, “is that within every man lie ancient nurturing tendencies that make a man as protective and nurturing as the most devoted mother. It’s a journey that has forced me to rethink long-held assumptions about man’s innately selfish, competitive and violent nature.”
agree. I have been an engaged father since I held our son shortly after he was born, and I vowed that I would be a different father than my father could be to me, and that I would do all I could to help create a world where fathers were fully involved with their families throughout their lives. It was November 21, 1969, and our son, Cemal, would soon be fifty-six. I took time off from work when he was born and was involved in the immediate care of changing diapers, holding him, and getting him up in the middle of the night to answer his cries. I enjoyed being fully involved in caring, not just fundraising.
When my wife and I fell in love in college in 1965 and made plans to get married, we decided to have a child and then adopt a child. We felt the world was filling up and we wanted to parent a child who might need our loving care. When we brought our two and a half month old African American daughter home, we were overjoyed and felt like our family was complete.
As all parents know, children are a great gift and a great challenge. Our daughter, Angela, was born with a cleft palate that required surgery when she was one year old. He also suffered from developmental difficulties. Over the years I was called upon to provide increasing care and for a time I was the primary parent.
Being a caring father has been one of the greatest challenges and joys of my life. My wife and I now have six grown children, seventeen grandchildren and four great-grandchildren. We have both been involved in caring for our parents as they aged, faced illness and eventually died.
In December I will be eight-two years old. We will be celebrating Carlin’s 88u birthday in July. Three years ago, Carlin slipped on wet pavement and broke her hip. During the surgery he suffered a mild stroke. Since then, I have become a full-time caregiver and have taken on many of the responsibilities that came with most of our married life, including paying bills and taxes, preparing meals, and cleaning the house.
I never realized how often women are the primary caregivers for children and older adults until I started doing more myself. I also didn’t realize the great gift of being a caregiver and how important men can be in the lives of our children, parents, spouses, and families.
I realize that male caregivers are still in the minority. I also realize that there are more of us every day and we play an increasingly important role for our families and communities. But too many of us feel isolated and alone, not realizing that there are other guys out there just like us.
If you are a male carer I would love to hear from you. I think more of us need to share our stories and explore ways we can give and receive support. Together we can change the world for good. November 19u it’s International Men’s Day and an opportunity to connect with all that is good for men around the world.
Drop me a note at Jed@MenAlive.com. Put ‘male carer’ in the subject line. Please share your own caregiving experiences. Come visit me at MenAlive.com. I send out my free weekly newsletter every Sunday and share my experiences and offer guidance to men and women who want to improve their personal, interpersonal and relational lives.
