It’s been a while since I felt this uncomfortable.
I had an empty afternoon last week and saw Don’t speak evil (,trailer here,), a horror/suspense film about a family that goes to visit another couple they met on vacation.
And shockinglythings don’t go as expected.
If you saw it ,“Dinner Party” episode of The Office, where Jim and Pam go to Michael and Jan’s house for the the most awkward house party ever and you thought to yourself…
“What if this was a 2 hour horror movie?”
…that’s basically the plot Don’t speak evil.
This movie is based on a 2022 European movie of the same name, so of course I had to see it too. And boy, this version was even more grim and shocking.
This movie has some really smart commentary on relationships, masculinity, and even parenting…
But here’s why Speak No Evil made me so uncomfortable:
This film asks, “How many of our borders are we willing to cross to keep the peace and not hurt someone’s feelings?”
I’m always joking ,how pleasant are people who avoid conflict, I am, which means this movie shook me to my core:
Which brings me to the point of today’s newsletter!
Guilt and Overcommitment
My father was raised Episcopalian (a form of Christianity), while my mother was raised Catholic. My mom always joked that the Episcopalian faith was “like Catholicism, but without the guilt!”
So we went to the Episcopal church as kids.
And yet I succeeded all the universal guilt!
I will bend over backwards to keep the peace. I will do my best not to offend. I’ll overcommit, put myself in really frustrating situations, simply because I don’t know how to set healthy boundaries.
In short, I would NOT do well Don’t speak evil.
I used to think he was just being nice to me, but I realized he was something different.
I disrespected myself and my well-being!
Over the years, I’ve learned to establish and enforce healthier boundaries. Not just to protect myself from others, but to protect myself… from myself.
I have a feeling there are quite a few people reading this newsletter who are also happy, struggling with burnout, and feeling over-committed right now.
If that’s you, I have a truth that’s hard to hear.
The solution to burnout is not a yoga retreat
When we feel burned out, too busy, and overwhelmed, we believe the solution lies in a very specific form of self-care:
- Escape: We just need a massage or a “digital detox” or escape.
- Achievement: We just have to work more difficult at the gym!
- Optimization: If only we had a more optimized program!
The problem is that all of these solutions address the symptom, not the root cause.
As pointed out in Anne-Helen Peterson’s ,I can’t even,:
“You don’t fix burnout by going on vacation. You don’t fix it through “life hacks” like inbox zero, or using a meditation app for five minutes in the morning, or making Sunday lunch for the whole family, or starting a bullet journal. You don’t fix it by reading a book on how to “smell yourself”.
You don’t fix it with a vacation, or an adult coloring book, or ‘stress baking,’ or the Pomodoro technique, or overnight oats.”
As I share in my essay on ,the problems with Self-Care,the solution is not to be found in a yoga studio or on a deserted beach, nor in a calendar or meditation app.
The solution requires having an uncomfortable conversation with ourselves.
We must first put on our own oxygen mask before we can help others.
Boundaries protect against burnout
We happy people spend most of our time keeping calm and meeting everyone else’s needs, very rarely considering our own.
This is usually how we find ourselves over-committed, unable to do the things we want/need to do, and possibly resenting our generosity being taken for granted.
The problem?
It is not someone else’s responsibility to set our boundaries.
It is up to us to establish, explain and protect them.
This is where the limits come in.
Boundaries are healthy because they allow us to really think us needs as well. Something I hadn’t thought about in a long time. I bet there are a lot of amazing moms and dads on this newsletter list who also haven’t considered their own needs in a long time.
This doesn’t mean we have to suddenly become “I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS,” but rather, it means that we have to face the fact that our feelings and needs are valid and that we must take care of ourselves if you are going to take care of others.
As Dr. Lakshmin points out in ,Real Self Care,:
“To practice real self-care, you have to be willing to make yourself vulnerable – whether that means having uncomfortable conversations about setting boundaries or making the clear and intentional choice to prioritize one aspect of your life over another.
Here is the challenge for the day:
Say NO to a thing that you are currently saying YES to out of obligation or guilt.
Set this limit for your own well-being and mental health.
Yes, this will require you to rely on those around you and maybe even *GASP* let someone down!
Especially if you are used to saying yes to everything all the time.
I promise, their reaction is not your responsibility to manage.
One last reminder I had to internalize: “No” is a complete sentence.
We can’t travel through time, which means the only solution to burnout is to put less stuff on our plate.
This requires that we develop boundaries to protect ourselves…from ourselves.
I’d love to hear what your limit is, so hit reply and let me know!
-Steve
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