I have been a marriage and family counselor for over fifty years. One of the main problems that people have come to me for help with is issues with sex and love. In my book, Looking for love in all the wrong placesi said
“When we find that our romantic relationships are a series of disappointments but keep pursuing them, we’re looking for love in all the wrong places. When we’re in a committed relationship but find that the sex and love we once had is gone and we look elsewhere, we’re looking for love in all the wrong places.”
The subtitle of the book was Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addictions. I quoted Dr. Stanton Peele, an authority on addiction who said:
“Many of us are addicted, we just don’t know it. Interpersonal addiction—love addiction—is almost the most common but least recognized form of addiction we know.”
When Looking for love in all the wrong places: Overcoming romantic and sexual addictions published in 1988, I have become a sought-after expert and many men and women come to me for advice. However, things have changed dramatically in recent years. Like all animals, we have a biological drive to mate and raise children to do the same, but humans, unlike other species, seem to have trouble even connecting with others to do what other animals naturally do.
A new report from the Kinsey Institute and cited by DatingNews.com, “State of Us: National Study on Modern Love & Dating in 2025,” titled: The big dating deficit: US singles averaged fewer than 2 dates last year. The study was led by Dr Justin Lehmiller and Dr Amanda Gesselman. I recently spoke with Dr. Lehmiller and was surprised to hear some of his important findings:
- US singles averaged just 1.74 in-person dates last year, revealing a dating deficit.
- While women said they went on 1.40 dates last year, men went on 2.08 dates.
“This number may not seem significant on the surface, but it suggests that men date 48% more than women,” says Dr. Lehmiller. “These findings reveal a contrast in how men and women approached dating. It’s a tale of two stories. While men appear to date slightly more, women have shown a greater likelihood of withdrawing from dating altogether. However, the gender difference in number of dates could also reflect a difference in how men and women define what ‘counts’ as a date.”
- Singles have less sex, with most reporting having sex 2-3 times/year.
From my own experience working with men of all ages, I know that many men turn to “fantasy sex,” including masturbating while watching porn or having a romantic conversation with an AI bot.
- 40% of single people consider themselves single. “Half see this as a voluntary choice,” says Dr. Lehmiller, “but the other half see themselves as involuntarily celibate.”
- 37% of Gen Z adults (ages 18-28) identify as single.
“For many young adults, the decision to opt out of sex is deeply intertwined with socioeconomic issues such as inflation, political instability and threats to reproductive rights,” says Dr. Lehmiller. “Gen Z isn’t necessarily avoiding sex because of a lack of desire, but more because they feel like they have to protect themselves, because they just want to focus on themselves for a while first.”
According to Institute for Family Studies (IFS)/YouGov research, Generation Z and Millennials interact most often with generative AI. Survey results show that one in four young adults — 28 percent of men and 22 percent of women — say artificial intelligence is very likely to replace traditional romantic partners.
Unexpected surprises:
Most people are surprised that young people date less and enjoy less sexual pleasure with a partner. I remember in my younger years feeling completely incapable and inadequate, but I managed to date and have an adequate sex life during my youth. You don’t have to be a wildlife biologist to see that in most of the animal kingdom – birds, bees, bears, beavers and other living things. All are actively engaged in finding mates, having sex, and raising babies who grow up to do the same. Humans, not so much.
Another surprise is that many assume that young people use the latest technologies to find a date and a partner for sex, love and intimacy. But this is not the case. Dr. Lehmiller told me,
“Contrary to what people assume, singles of all ages want to connect ‘the old-fashioned way’ person-to-person with real people.”
- Only 15% of respondents used online dating apps to meet people.
- Men used dating apps almost twice as often as women (20% for men vs. 11% for women.)
Both men and women felt that dating apps didn’t deliver the results they were looking for, and men felt especially frustrated. Dr. Lehmiller said males are at a real disadvantage with online dating.
“Tinder is an online dating site where people swipe right if they like a person’s profile or left if they don’t. Many other dating sites use a similar initial screening. If you’re a woman on Tinder, your chances of being liked are 1 in 10. If you’re a man, your chances are 1 in 100.
It’s no wonder with these odds that men feel let down.
Back to the Future: Get help today for a successful sex and love life
According to dating statistics from eharmony, about 80 million people in the US now use dating apps or websites — or about 30% of the adult population. There are over 8,000 dating sites to choose from. However, several studies show that the success rates of dating apps are less than 10%, while qualified coaches and matchmakers show success rates of up to 80% in providing what people want, not just a date, but a relationship that brings love, sex, intimacy and true partnership for a lifetime.
When I was writing Looking for love in all the wrong places in 1988, I recognized that there were millions of men and women who were hungry for love but were not getting their needs met. The needs have not changed. People still want to improve their love lives, but the challenges are even greater now than in the past.
People who visit my website, MenAlive.com, see my welcome video, “Confessions of a Divorced Marriage Counselor.” I shared with my community that even with all my expertise as a successful marriage and family therapist, I was still struggling in my personal life. I also spoke of my commitment to finding answers to the question, “How do I find the right partner and have a wonderful marriage that lasts a lifetime?”
In my book, The Illuminated Marriage: The 5 Transformational Stages of Relationships and Why the Best Are Yet to Come I described what I had learned, how I found the woman of my dreams, and how we had a successful marriage for 45 wonderful years and are still going strong. I still offer consulting and coaching services for clients and usually have a waiting list for my services.
I recently had the opportunity to meet and interview Adam Cohen-Aslatei, CEO of Three Day Rule, a personalized and trendy matchmaking service for high-intent singles looking for meaningful connections. Since launching in 2010, Three Day Rule has been on a mission to show successful singles that matchmaking can be hip, affordable and accessible.
I was glad to see that there are more opportunities for singles who still believe in love but don’t have much time to waste. Matchmaking in the US has grown over 40% in the last year alone, according to the three-day rule.
We need more experts who are real people who offer real support. In the study of Dr. Lehmiller noted the following:
- Only 4% of singles (3% of women and 5% of men) reported using dating or relationship coaching.
- Only 3% of singles (2% women, 5% men) used professional matchmaking services.
For those who want to learn more about the research, you can link to this story, which covers many of the things we discussed in our interview:
If you want to link to the other work of Dr. Lehmiller, you can do it below:
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