Two words I keep hearing: motivation and responsibility.
From customers, readers and people who want to get healthier but can’t seem to make it stick.
Although they sound simple, both are actually… complicated.
When someone says, “I just need more accountability,” what they really mean can vary widely.
- Sometimes it’s about systems and structure.
- Sometimes it has to do with the clarity of their goals and how to achieve them.
- And sometimes, it’s about how we personally live up to expectations – both of ourselves and of others.
Because no “system” fits everyone
If you have ever read books like Individual habits by James Clear, The power of habit by Charles Duhigg, or Switch by Chip and Dan Heath, you know that there are many frameworks for understanding behavior.
After 15 years of coaching, here’s what I’ve learned:
None of these systems are foolproof. None of these fully captures how complex people really are.
But that’s not the point. Each one is one lens. A new advantage that helps us see our habits and struggles differently.
And when you get stuck, sometimes that’s exactly what you need: a new perspective that gives you a new way to approach things.
Enter the four voltages
Several years ago, our entire coaching staff was reading ,The Four Tendencies, by Gretchen Rubin, and it provided some really key insights that we’ve incorporated into our coaching program and how we’ve been thinking about helping people ever since.
The basic idea is this: people respond to internal and external expectations differently. By understanding which expectations you thrive on and which ones are a struggle, you can work on it with your natural tendencies instead of fighting them.
The most common trend we see is The Obliger.
Obligors are the glue of a group or family. They meet external expectations (deadlines, commitments, helping others), but resist internal these (self-care, personal goals, boundaries).
Sound familiar?
If you have ever said:
“I know what I have to do… but I can’t seem to do it for this my»,
…you might be in that group.
One of our customers described it perfectly:
“Every bit of energy I feel is consumed by surviving my work day, providing for my family’s needs, helping with the needs of others… there is very little self-care and prioritization in my life right now.
I know I bring the situation on myself. I am hardwired to commit to things, to participate, to want to be needed, appreciated and recognized. But it comes at a price. I have very few demands from other people or things.”
This is the Obliger experience in a nutshell.
And let me be clear, this is not weakness or lack of will.
In fact, the Obligers accomplish SO MUCH.
The problem is that they often sacrifice their own goals to help others, which can lead to health challenges in the long run.
How we help Obligers succeed
At Nerd Fitness Coaching, we help Obligers by providing three key supports: external accountability, call mode adjustments, and tracking wins as they accumulate to reinforce and reward their progress.
Here’s how you can translate them into your own practice:
- A coach or training buddy you check in with and celebrate wins with you
- A checklist or ,monitoring system, which makes your progress visible
- Construction a ,Call mode, – i.e. a plan for different types of days so you can adjust accordingly and avoid burnout
- Reframing goals as something that benefits others – e.g. “I exercise so I have more energy for my kids.”
As you will notice, quite a few of them are concerning externalizing your responsibility.
Here’s another fun tactic: write a letter from your future self to your current self, thanking you for showing up. This is exactly what clicked for my client Gina. When things were tumultuous, writing this letter made her feel accountable to herself future self (in a good way!). This simple change helped her stay consistent in a chaotic month.
The Hidden Danger: Burnout and the ‘Pause Button’
Obligors often take on too much.
They face a million competing expectations – deadlines, family, colleagues, community.
And when things get really heavy, they tend to hit the big red pause button on SOME of them.
“I just can’t deal with all that right now. I’ll be back later.”
Totally understandable. And really, it’s an act of self-preservation. They CANNOT go 100 miles an hour.
We often see people in this scenario trying to cut off all these external expectations in hopes that they will finally have time to focus on themselves later.
It sounds reasonable, but it usually backfires.
Because the Debtors actually thrive with some form of external accountability.
So the key is not to eliminate expectations. It is to assistant priest their.
Here are some counter questions I want to ask to do just that:
What are the advantages of NOT moving towards goal X right now?
And what are the consequences if we continue to move towards it?
By reversing the old “pro/con” list, we can get great clarity about what’s good for you!
Great takeaway photo
Motivation and accountability are not unique to everything.
Understanding the “trend” gives you a new lens – and using tools specific to your needs increases your chances of success in the long run.
If you want to see where you’ll land, you can take the free quiz from Gretchen here -> ,https://gretchenrubin.com/quiz/the-four-tendencies-quiz/,
Tell me what trend you have! (I’m a respondent! 🙋♂️)
-Riot police
PS Fun fact: ~60% of the people we partner with Nerd Fitness Coaching who are identified as Obligors. Everyone’s needs are different, which is why we design coaching younot general incentive violations. If this sounds like the kind of structure you’ve been missing, I’d love to talk to you. Just hit reply to this email. ❤️
