Often thought of as a solo act in the privacy of your bedroom, masturbation is an essential pillar in your self-care journey—and also a powerful way to communicate your desires and bond intimately with your partner(s). Far from a solo session, giving yourself a hand during partnered sex can be a great form of foreplay or mixing things up. In fact, accordingthe study run by the University of Southampton, couples who engaged in mutual masturbation on a weekly basis scored higher in their sexual satisfaction and self-esteem. New to mutual jacking/jilling off? If the thought of sharing something you usually do alone with your partner is daunting enough or even a little embarrassing, we’ve created this handy guide to help you get away from each other…
What is mutual masturbation?
Mutual masturbation is when you enjoy yourself while your partner watches, or when you both masturbate together.
Why masturbate when you can just have sex?
Great question! Being in a relationship doesn’t mean masturbation should be off the table. In fact, masturbation can be a sexy means of getting your partner down and taking the pressure off performance. Giving pleasure through penetrative sex can feel scary or even like a chore at times, especially if you are struggles with low libido. Mutual masturbation is a great way to focus on the experience: watching each other, appreciating your body and how it responds to his touch (and saving mental tips for later!), and ultimately increasing your intimacy. Beyond that, we’ve heard from many of those in our community who live with me creek or vulvodynia that it can be very painful and difficult to enjoy penetrative sex, whether with a penis or a sex toy. For some, engaging in mutual masturbation has become a painless way to maintain and enjoy intimacy with their partner.
How to ask your partner about the possibility of mutual masturbation
First things first, you should discuss the possibility of mutual masturbation with your partner to let them know you’re interested. This is best done in an environment outside of the bedroom, when you are not in the middle of hooking up, so the pressure is off. It can be scary (or exciting!) to communicate your desires with your partner, especially if it’s something new and different. Our inner sex’s top tips?
- Try to be open-minded, empathetic and non-judgmental if you and your partner usually masturbate alone. You could start by asking them about their own personal habits, slowly bringing up the topic of possibly watching them while they’re doing it – or pointing out why the experience of watching them masturbate/do it together is something you’d like to share. This can be a great way to get both of you in the mood and on an equal footing by discussing how you would like to go about it.
- You can even bring an appearance aspect and say to it. If there’s a porn video you’ve seen or an erotic audiobook that includes mutual masturbation and you Really enjoyed it, you could take the opportunity, with their consent, to show it to them and express your interest in recreating it.
- You can also emphasize that this is a learning experience for both of you. Not just in terms of tips, tricks or touches your partner uses to do themselves, but to do the same to you. Goal: even greater understanding of the other’s pleasure points.
- If you and your partner already indulge in a little hand play during sex or foreplay, there may also be a natural point where you feel safe and comfortable being upfront about your desires. For example, you might ask “show me what you do when you think about me.” Remember, it is important that their consent to engage in any sexual activity is clear, affirmative and continuous throughout.
Choose the right positions that work for both of you
Something that worked for the more conscious members of the HANX team: instead of viewing the act as masturbation For your partner, think of it as masturbation with instead of your partner. You could start by lying next to each other on the bed in a position you would normally enjoy masturbating alone. Once you feel a little more comfortable, you may want to explore other positions that allow your partner to enjoy from a perspective they don’t normally appreciate. If the watching is too much or too direct (hello, performance anxiety!), try blindfolding each other and listening to your partner masturbate as you touch yourself.
You may also want to consider whether or not you are going to use games. Make sure you have this discussion with your partner beforehand and choose a game that will enhance the experience for both of you. For example, our clitoris sucking game Cindy it’s small, quiet but powerful – meaning it’ll enhance the fun, but won’t get in the way (or intimidate those new to the world of bringing toys into play).
Embed dirty talk
You don’t have to go 1980s porn with your dirty talk, but it can be encouraging for your partner to say what’s on your mind at the time. You can encourage your partner by telling them how good it feels to watch them, how hot they look, or how tired you are. We can’t overstate how much audio apps like Dipsea and Ferly can be for inspiring dirty talk that isn’t crisp! Try not to get in your head: the more you think about dirty talk, the more uncomfortable it gets – the best advice we can give you when it comes to dirty talk is to keep it simple and not overcomplicate it.
Go forward and give each other a hand
Mutual masturbation is a highly stimulating and liberating experience that can bring a new level of intimacy to your relationship. From helping you and allowing you to relax and enjoy your partner’s pleasure, it can also help you become more comfortable with your own wants and needs. Trying something new in the bedroom (or wherever else you like!) can add a cheeky little boost of excitement to your sex life and be a fun new way for you and your partner to connect. Plus: mutual masturbation is really a useful tool to teach your partner how to please you and make sure the good times are coming. We can’t think of a better bonding experience for a couple than participating in a good look… now go ahead and give each other a hand!
