Right now, I’m about 630 miles from my partner. Close enough to be in the same time zone, but just barely. Fortunately, the reality of long distance relationship has changed a lot from decades ago when the best form of communication was sending letters and wishing on a star. Okay, that’s dramatic, but still. Modern technology helps.
So, given my personal experiences, the media I’ve consumed, and the research I’ve read, I’m actually in a unique position to speak on this topic. However, keep in mind that people who practice ethical non-monogamy or are in polygamous relationships can also be in LDRs! This blog doesn’t touch on that because it reflects my experiences being monogamous.
What is a long distance relationship?
A long-distance relationship, also called an “LDR,” is a romantic relationship in which the people in the relationship live far away from each other. This can be for a variety of different reasons, including active duty military status, academic or career opportunities, or caregiving responsibilities.
Geographical distance is relative. Some may consider a few hours’ drive a long distance, while others have countries and sometimes even entire oceans between them. Importantly, how difficult it is to bridge this gap is not just about the number of hours or miles but also what one and their partner have access to (eg socioeconomic status, work permit, etc.).
There are some typical characteristics of long distance relationships:
Communication seems different. It tends to be more digital, more planned and more purposeful. After all, you have to make an active effort to engage with your partner, or you won’t literally interact with them.
Bridging the distance may or may not be the goal. In general, people in an LDR want to one day live together or be a little far apart, but that’s not the case for everyone. Some people commit to an LDR with no intention of moving in to be near their partner. These people will fit into the category of “living apart together“in the long run.
People have Opinions in long distance relationships
I often get questions about how I make it work. I don’t mind that curiosity at all. What bothers me, though, is an admission that the person I’m talking to “just couldn’t do that,” leading to advice to reevaluate my relationship or stop “holding myself back.”
Listen, I don’t like the distance! There are so many things, logistically and emotionally, that make long distance relationships difficult, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up. I feel obligated to list one of my favorite songs here:We will never go the distance down the path of least resistance.I find this to be especially true in long distance relationships. You have to put in the work to make it work, just like any other relationship. You just have to get used to the delayed gratification of not seeing them for long periods of time.
And finally, to the people making these comments, you could be more supportive. Trust me when I say that most, if not all, of my fellow LDRers know how hard it is to maintain a relationship spanning miles and miles. Be careful in your answer. This also applies to mental and sexual health professionals! Take the time to learn about your client’s LDR as well as their goals and feelings about it.
What being in a long distance relationship has taught me
As someone with experience in both close and long distance relationships, I have to say they are quite different.
Intentional Communication
In my last blog I wrote about living apart together And there is one key issue: your communication must be intentional. It’s much easier to turn off your phone and ignore your partner when you argue or avoid their calls without explanation because you don’t have the person physically present to hold you accountable.
You need to be held accountable for having the tough conversations. These moments aren’t unique to LDRs, but they’re much easier to put off or completely ignore when your partner isn’t physically present.
Tone and subliminal meanings are much harder to infer from text. This is especially true when sexual communication. Be ready and able to clarify what you mean and have the grace to offer your partner an “end” when what they’re saying doesn’t land the way they thought it would.
Planning vs. Spontaneity
Planning is important. Coordinating virtual hangouts, routes for midway meetings, or flights to take that important vacation all need to be mapped out in advance to varying degrees. Sometimes, you may feel that this takes the magic out of these moments, as they are not “spontaneous” enough. Say what you want about it, but at least I’ll never have one of those “surprise!” moments where my partner and I fly to see each other and end up missing because we didn’t plan properly and instead focused on being ‘spontaneous’.
Planning doesn’t have to be awful! I recommend spending time together finding meaningful activities to do when you are physically together. This can really increase the anticipation and excitement leading up to the meeting.
“Quality” time in long distance relationships
After moving away from my partner, I immediately started trying to maintain the same level of communication and interaction we had when we lived in the same area. It was exhausting! I’m not the type of person who wants to text all day every day – I run out of things to say.
Although Research tells us that texting is uniquely beneficial in LDRs compared to geographically close relationshipsthat feeling of having to constantly text, call, or play video games together became a drain. Quickly, we started dreading spending time together and had to reevaluate. It took some time (and some trial and error) to learn what works.
Now, it’s much easier now to say “Hey, I don’t have the energy for this tonight” or “Doing this together is important to me, when can we find time for this?” Finding a way to communicate our energy level and emotional availability was definitely a game changer.
Frequently Asked Questions about Long Distance Relationships
Are there any “pros” to being in a long distance relationship?
There are many benefits to an LDR! Here are some positives I have found:
It is deeply bittersweet. The moments you spend together can be so exciting and full of joy. You can find respite between visits in creative ways as well (reading the same books at the same time and writing letters are some of my favorites).
You will learn things not only about how your partner communicates, but about how you communicate. I honestly think my relationship is healthier because of the metacommunication (communication about how we communicate!) that comes with distance.
Although it can be lonely at times, you have the opportunity to exercise your individuality. Being in an LDR means more time to pursue your dream career, try a new hobby, and live independently.
Should I break up with my partner or have a long distance relationship?
I’m a firm believer that not all or all partnerships are designed to last long distances. That’s okay! We all have different needs and values when it comes to our romantic relationships. That said, it’s definitely possible! Well, that’s a question only you can answer! I hope my knowledge is helpful, but at the end of the day it’s a decision you have to make.
Keep in mind that it’s okay to try it, even if you find it doesn’t work for you. Although this can be difficult, you will learn more about what types and dynamics of relationships work best for you and what parts of intimacy and cooperation are most important to you.
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