One question I ask all my new clients is, “Do you think you have to eat perfectly to be healthy?” Often, but not always, the answer is “Yes.”
This is a “flavor” of “If I’m not perfect, I’m a failure.” I have also watched people struggle with a similar mindset about exercising and practicing new behaviors and building new habits, such as:
- Meditation and awareness
- Tuning in to hunger and fullness cues
- Reading a recommended article or blog post
- Food diary
- Emotion recognition
The BIG problem with all of this is that when you try and expect perfection, failure is a given. You can only stretch a rubber so far before it snaps.
A “perfect” diet or “perfect” exercise program (perfect in construction and execution) does not guarantee perfect health (or weight loss). Being “perfect” at meditating, checking in hungry/full, getting to bed on time, and other good things doesn’t guarantee a certain result in a certain time frame. Life is a journey, and there is no finish line (well, until we die, that is).
“Perfect” is an illusion, because it is subjective. What really matters is progress, and that’s why it’s okay to aim for “good enough.”
A vicious cycle
Fear of failure, especially if you feel a lot of shame about “failure” can fuel the desire to be perfect in order to avoid the suffering of shame. But to err (aka fail) is human), so your eventual and inevitable failures can further fuel perfectionism.
On the surface, trying to eat perfectly, exercise perfectly, practice intuitive eating perfectly might seem like a good way to fast-track your goals. But look deeper, and Striving for perfection can make your life shorter and quite rigid.
Trying to be a “perfect” eater makes it difficult if not impossible to share meals with others. You can’t comfortably accept a dinner invitation if your hosts don’t share your dining rules. You can’t meet at a restaurant unless you’re the one micromanaging which restaurant and obsessing in advance about what’s “safe” to order in your house. anxiety causing that you just don’t eat at all.
Trying to be the “perfect” exerciser means saying no to plans with friends or family if they interfere with a planned workout. It could mean that you are getting less sleep if life events have been keeping you up late and you have to choose between sleep or exercise. It means not letting yourself change the type of movement you do if you realize that your “perfect” fitness routine has become tedious. It can mean pushing on an injury, possibly causing more long-term damage.
Trying to be a “perfect” intuitive eater is basically never becoming an intuitive eater, because rigidity and rigidity are the antithesis of the spirit of intuitive eating. (I can say the same thing about trying to practice mindfulness “perfectly”.)
The perfection of imperfection
Most of the people I know who turn to perfectionism tell me about times when they followed this diet or that workout plan “perfectly.”and if they could do it again, everything would be fine.
But a “perfect” plan that you can’t maintain for a long time despite your best intentions and efforts is actually imperfect. And, again, trying to be perfect is like stretching a rubber band. Eventually, it will break.
A “perfect” diet or exercise plan is only perfect if it allows for flexibility and change over time. If it allows job changes and health changes and life changes. If it works when you’re busy and when you’re not. If it allows you to eat alone, eat with family, eat with friends, eat while traveling…without stress. It allows you to not feel like you should be hitting the gym instead of waking up on the beach or going sightseeing when you’re on vacation.
A “perfect” design allows you to see when it isn’t … perfect. When it takes more time/money/energy than you have, when it’s not enjoyable enough at times, when it doesn’t make you feel good or you’re not making progress towards your personal health and wellness goals.
And that’s where that flexibility comes into play again.
Something I often tell my clients is that There are no mistakes, only information. When you make what looks like a mistake – or a failure – that’s valuable information. Why did you “fail”? Were you trying to hold yourself to impossible standards? Were other aspects of your plan not quite right for you?
The power of flexibility
When a “perfect” design works, it allows you to be flexible and spontaneous before snapping back like a elastic – not a broken – rubber band. Because you’re not rigid, when you take a day off from exercise or accept an impromptu dinner invitation, you don’t feel like a failure. Because you don’t feel like a failure, you don’t feel ashamed. Because you don’t feel shame, you don’t start a nasty downward spiral.
If you eat food that doesn’t make you feel good physically, you note it, thank your body for that information, and move on.
If a bad work week is coming up and you realize you’ll have to rely more on takeout or cooked food than you usually do, you can simply make the best choices that work under the circumstances — then easily go back to your plan when conditions improve.
This involves a lot of mindset change. When deviating from a plan leads to shame (shame is the belief that you are a bad person, that you are not worthy), that needs some research and digging.
People who know their worth, know their value and recognize it all men are perfectly imperfect and make mistakes are more likely to create habits that feel good, not punishment. They can also press “pause” when needed without entering the headspace that because they “messed up” there’s no point in trying.
Basically, flexibility saves you from the kind of all-or-nothing thinking that can cause you to swing back and forth from the “perfect” diet to the “f**k” diet. It allows you to settle into that happy medium that is good for both physical and mental health.
Need more help getting off the perfectionist hamster wheel and improving your relationship with food, eating and body image? Click here to schedule a free 20-minute Discovery Call to talk about your concerns and whether you would benefit from nutritional therapy.
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Disclaimer: All information provided here is general in nature and provided for educational purposes only. This information should not be taken as medical or other health advice related to an individual’s specific health or medical condition. You agree that use of this information is at your own risk.
Hi, I’m Carrie Dennett, MPH, RDN, a weight that includes registered dietitian, nutritionist and body image consultant. I help adults of all ages, shapes, sizes and genders who want to break free eating disorders, disordered eating or years of dieting. If you need to learn how to management of IBS symptoms with food, or improve your eating and lifestyle habits to help manage a current health concern or just supporting your overall health and wellness, helping people with that too.
Need 1-on-1 help with your nutrition, food or body image concerns? Program a free 20-minute Discovery Call let’s talk about how I can help you and explore if we’re a good fit! I am in network with Regence BCBS, FirstChoice Health and Providence Health Plan and can bill Blue Cross and/or Blue Shield insurance in many states. If I don’t get your insurance, I can help you claim compensation yourself. To learn more, explore our insurance and service areas page.
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