I have always been open about my mental health in hopes that others will feel less alone with their own battle. I truly believe that the more we share, the more healing there can be for all. We are always stronger together.
About 4 years ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety and Pure O, OCD (which can be described as OCD of the mind, where you want to keep your thoughts “pure”). I started experiencing really scary intrusive thoughts that I now believe were the result of personal loss and trauma – causing my brain to go into a “fear response”.
But in retrospect, I think I always struggled with anxiety that would sit in different areas of my life growing up. I am grateful to be able to have a diagnosis that finally allowed me to seek the very specific help I needed.
I’m also an extreme perfectionist, which causes me to put enormous pressure on myself, exacerbating the associated stress itself.
I can be grateful for my perfectionism, which has played a role in how I appear in various aspects of my life, such as my career and my desire to live a full life. However, there are times when this little mischievous inside (which my husband and I have named Ursula – haha) it can really ruin some days. This is when the perfectionist in me takes the form of my anxiety.
When I was diagnosed, it was around the time I lost my best friend to her own struggles with mental health. There is almost nothing more shocking and explosive for anxiety than losing someone you love to mental illness. She has always been incredibly appreciative of my openness and honesty and has asked us to continue sharing her story in hopes that it will help others. So I continue to share it with the comfort that it would be so grateful for those of us who share our struggles to ultimately be able to help so many people. Knowing that we are never alone. Love, care and support are here for you.
I would say that the last 4 years have been probably the most transformative of my life.
What I want to remind everyone is this:
You can still live an amazing life with stress. And that there IS help, you just have to find the right help.
But also, it’s a journey that doesn’t really have a perfect finish line. It can also be your greatest teacher and the very thing that strengthens your inner core to live a seriously special, meaningful and beautiful life.
As we know, there is nothing more grounding and humbling than being in the face of stress. Until today it was exactly what allowed me to realize and feel what really matters in my life.
So as the journey progresses, I learn to sit with imperfection. I am learning to surrender to uncertainty.
The hasty anxious perfectionist in me has kept me in fight or flight mode for most of my life. As I said, my competitive and intense mind had many positives and negatives. The positives: it allows me to be laser focused and achieve, and work really hard. As my team will agree, it keeps me relentless. It also allows me to give my all to my loved ones and to my life. I am ALL in, and my standards for myself are high. It has also allowed me to be an ambitious dreamer and create and manifest the life I have always hoped for.
The negatives: Sometimes these standards I put on myself are too high, which leads to painful amounts of pressure. At worst, when anxiety kicks in, or when my deep-seated fear of uncertainty rears its ugly head – it can all feel very scary, all-consumingly painful, all-encompassing. It takes me over and pulls me down to believe that I’m just not good enough – at anything I do. Literally.
The gift of healing (mostly over the last 4 years) has taught me to live alongside imperfection, anxiety, and uncertainty… and actually invited me to wallow in those feelings, rather than fight them.
It is this act of surrendering to imperfection, stress and uncertainty that brings true and lasting peace of mind. I didn’t know how to do it either, believe me!
It is truly freedom, however it takes time and constant work to get there.
In reflection, I have always struggled with surrendering to uncertainty, which causes me real anxiety. My thoughts make me giddy with the realization that the certainty of knowing everything in my precious life will be protected. Plus, my perfectionist nature yells at me not to do any of these thoughts all together.
My father-in-law taught me, “Running thoughts are like a rocking chair Jess…it keeps you busy but unfortunately gets you nowhere.”
My therapist’s favorite gesture to me when my anxiety is trying to hold me in its powerful grip… “Hands Up Jess” – meaning we can’t know that everything is going to be okay, we have to surrender to the anxiety of uncertainty. It is this release that takes away its power. Although it’s often the last thing my anxiety wants to do, the hands-off approach has really brought me peace.
What I have learned through proper CBT based therapy is that it is best not to feed these anxious, perfectionistic or fear based thoughts… Or fight them. Rather, I had to choose to live alongside them without a fear-based reaction. This literally builds new pathways in our brain (the research is great) and teaches our mind to calm down, in turn allowing your nervous system to wind down. Suddenly your brain starts to feel safer over time. It’s very difficult at first, but it became a habit that changed my life.
Also, not getting attached to the meaning of our thoughts (that the brain is literally just spitting out that are usually based on fear) is also key. Learning to manage our thoughts without letting them overtake your mind and body is what I call a beautiful peaceful life. I hope I always know how to get back into this lifestyle if my OCD or anxiety sets back. Honestly, I’m proud of myself for getting closer and closer to this place because it brings me more joy and peace than I’ve probably had in my entire life. And, if you’re struggling, I’m sharing it to give you that hope too. I still have really rough days, but I have the tools in my toolbox to know how to sit with it and let it wash over me and come out the other side.
I also knew I needed to do this inner work before I had kids. Just because I’ve done the work doesn’t mean I don’t have worrying thoughts. Imperfect anxious thoughts pop up during the day, but how I react to them now keeps them from reaching dark places. I am the one who controls my mind.
I wanted to write this as a reminder, that for some of us it is not so natural to have a quiet mind, a calm and non-anxious brain. You can still learn to live an amazing life alongside this powerful mind, however hardwired it is, you don’t have to suffer only from mental illness. And don’t forget – it’s often this stress that shapes many of the blessings in our lives.
This is life… beautiful, painful, peaceful, chaotic, difficult, easy, amazing. It is ultimately imperfect – but unfortunately the new world of social media doesn’t allow us to see that. Some days will be good and some will be harder. Either way, we will always be okay if we surround ourselves with love and connection and get the help we need on our mental health journeys.
Finally, it is important to identify with our challenges, but also our strengths. Our challenges eventually become our strengths as we navigate them. So, there is no reason to wish them away.
love and care,
Jx
My top resources:
I have personally entered CBT and ERP treatment for anxiety-based obsessions/thoughts, if you want to research more:
- Deal With My OCD – Reclaiming Your Life From OCD
- My favorite podcast is OCD stories where you can hear from leading mental health experts.
- Medication: I take SSRI-based prescription meds + a collection of research-backed vitamins and herbs that have been shown to support mental well-being. Always be sure to seek the help of a well-trained psychiatrist before starting any medication.
What is PURE O OCD? Read more here:
If you or someone you know is struggling right now, reach out to someone or call:
- Life line for 24 hour crisis support on 13 11 14 (AUS)
- You can also call 1-800-985-5990 or text “TalkWithUs” to 66746 (US)
- Text “SHOUT” to 85258 (UK)
