At some point in all of our lives, we’ve heard the phrase “third wheel.” You may have used it in the past to signal to a third party that they were unwanted between you and a sexual partner, or perhaps you were that third party signaled to them. Either way, the feelings of being left out and being the envy of others are not pleasant for anyone (Scoats & Anderson, 2018). Despite the negative associations associated with trio crowds, a large number of young adults in Western society have either participated in, or expressed an interest in participating in, a trio (Thompson & Byers, 2021). What may come as a surprise is that threesomes may be more beneficial to the sexual expression and satisfaction of couples and singles than you think.
Three-person crash course
So what is a trio? The trio is consensual non-monogamy in its simplest form (Thompson & Byers, 2021). It usually describes a consensual sexual act involving 3 people at the same time (Thompson, Cipriano, Kirkeby, Wilder & Lehmiller, 2021). These behaviors can range anywhere from 3-way kissing to triple penetration depending on the genitalia of the participants and/or the sex toys involved (Lanquist, 2020)! These types of sexual interactions are not a new feat, as passages written about double penetration have been found in the Kamasutra, a book written about sexuality over 2000 years ago (King, 2016)! Although triplets have been around for centuries, people’s attitudes toward them are largely shaped by a person’s culture. The sexual script of Western society greatly favors monogamy, especially that which occurs between committed men and women (Thompson & Byers, 2021). This norm is portrayed throughout our own society, whether in movies, magazines, or in the opinions held by those close to us. Because of this, any type of relationship that deviates from this norm, including triplets, is considered less than monogamous, and this is especially true for mixed-sex triplets—more on this later (Thompson & Byers, 2021).
Although there is a stigma, it has not stopped 18% of men and 10% of women in one study who had already participated in one (Thompson et al., 2021). Unfortunately, these individuals are the exception rather than the rule, as 93% of men and 84% of women in the same sample reported fantasizing about experiencing one but had yet to actually participate in a threesome (Thompson & Byers, 2021). There are many obstacles that prevent people from acting on this desire. Living in a culture where monogamy is the norm makes it difficult to know how to approach group sexual encounters, as this sexual script may not have been developed (Thompson et al., 2021). In addition, others may be avoided due to a reaction phenomenon, which outlines the avoidance of desirable behaviors that do not align with societal norms to avoid negative judgment from others (Thompson et al., 2021).
How do people really feel about the trio?
Several studies have found that in general, people’s attitudes toward the three couples range from neutral to positive along with expressing significant interest in participating in one (Thompson et al., 2021). Where people’s attitudes tend to diverge depends on gender. In a study conducted by Thompson and Byers (2021), gender differences in three subjects were investigated. It found that men who started threesomes were considered better partners, smarter and more moral compared to women who started them. Further, uncommitted women who initiated threesomes or other casual sexual intercourse were assumed to have more extensive sexual histories than committed women who initiated. These findings are not surprising, as women tend to be more controlling about sexual behavior than men, a phenomenon known as the sexual double standard (Harvey, Harvey & Thompson, 2020). Because of this sexual double standard, women may be more discouraged from participating in a threesome in order to avoid judgment from others. The possibility of judgment should not influence behavior too strongly, as research has shown that as we grow older, we tend to be more open to threesomes because we have evolved to combat social stigma (Thompson et al., 2021). Basically, life is too short to care what other people think.
Okay, so what’s so good about trios?
Research has shown that three couples generally do not negatively affect monogamy in the same way that other types of consensual non-monogamy do. In fact, they can actually work to improve pre-existing monogamous relationships, while also benefiting singles (Scoats & Anderson, 2018). Scoats and Anderson (2018) found that for monogamous couples who engaged in a threesome together, as long as the threesome was temporary, it provided a healthy boost to each partner’s sex life. These group meetings also create a safe space for exploration with sexual partners outside the relationship, while also affirming the monogamous connection if the monogamous couple is valued as the primary couple in the interaction (Scoats & Anderson, 2018). Individuals may also benefit from being in a trio as they are exposed to exploring non-monogamous as well as same-sex behaviors in the absence of the stigma associated with fully adopting these identities (Thompson et al., 2021). One study found that a “homosexuality one norm” is generally no longer favored in Western culture, indicating that if you engage in same-sex behavior, you will not automatically be labeled as same-sex oriented (Scoats, Joseph & Anderson, 2017). This allows for more sexual exploration without pressure or stigma from society, which is a strong argument for the trio if you ask me!
Is this too good to be true?
Of course, nothing great comes without risk, and trios are no different. Research suggests that the biggest risk of participating in a threesome is the potential for feeling jealous and excluded (Scoats & Anderson, 2017). These feelings were mostly associated with being in a threesome with a romantic partner, but jealousy and exclusion can still arise in other types of encounters. While it is possible, there are many strategies that work to prevent or repair these unpleasant feelings. Trio couples who had open dialogues about expectations and feelings reported being less affected by exclusion (Scoats & Anderson, 2017). By using open communication and setting rules in a trio, unpleasant feelings can be reduced or avoided altogether. In contrast, open communication was found to be less important in a trio without a preexisting partner, as it was associated with attitudes toward casual sex. In addition, women who participate in threesomes may be at higher risk for negative social consequences than men because of the sexual dual status. In addition to being seen as messier, women run the risk of possible objectification in the trio (Scoats, 2018). Even in triplets containing 2 males and 1 female, the possibility that the encounter is primarily to please the male’s sexual desires should not be excluded (Scoats, 2018).
So, is it a trio for you?
Understanding what a threesome is and its potential benefits and risks is an informative way to embrace various sexual dynamics. Those who differ from the mainstream trend of monogamy should not be stigmatized by society, as due to the high prevalence of interest in threesomes, most people would be considered eccentric by society’s standards. Unfortunately, much is unknown about the outcomes associated with the trio, as the literature is limited on this topic. More research looking at the long-term behaviors and effects of the three may help reduce the stigma surrounding them. What the existing research suggests is that threesomes are generally a safe way to express sexuality with limited risks. With this, being the “third wheel” may not always be such a bad thing!
Rebecca Star, 3rd year Psychology, Queen’s University
bibliographical references
Harvey, CA, Harvey, TA & Thompson, AE (2020). The “sexual” double standard: an experimental examination of variations in the judgments of men and women engaged in computer-mediated sexual communication. Sexuality & Culture 24, 712–732, https://doi-org.proxy.queensu.ca/10.1007/s12119-019-09658-8
King, E. (2016, April 1). A definitive story of three people through the ages. Complex. Retrieved November 7, 2021, from https://www.complex.com/life/2016/04/threesomes-history/.
Lanquist, L. (2020, December 2). Three sex positions that make Ménages-à-Trois even more accessible. Style Caster. Retrieved November 7, 2021, from https://stylecaster.com/threesome-sex-positions/.
Scoats, R., Joseph, LJ, & Anderson, E. (2017, February 8). “I don’t mind seeing him finish”: Straight men, threesomes, and the erosion of the once-norm of homosexuality. Sage Journals. Retrieved November 7, 2021, from https://journals-sagepub-com.proxy.queensu.ca/doi/10.1177/1363460716678562.
Scoats, R. & Anderson, E. (2019) ‘My partner was almost all over her’: jealousy, communication and norms in mixed-sex triplets. Culture, Health & Sexuality21:2, 134-146, DOI: 10.1080/13691058.2018.1453088
Scoats, R. (2019) ‘If theres no homo, there is no trio’: women’s experiences and expectations of trio MMF, Psychology & Sexuality10:1, 45-55, DOI: 10.1080/19419899.2018.1546766
Thompson, AE, Byers, ES (2021). An Experimental Investigation of Variations in Judgments of Hypothetical Males and Females Initiating Mixed Threesomes: An Application of Sexual Script Theory. Arch Sex Behav 50, 1129–1142, https://doi- org.proxy.queensu.ca/10.1007/s10508-020-01729-4
Thompson, AE, Cipriano, AE, Kirkeby, KM, Wilder, D., Lehmiller, JJ (2021). Exploring variations in North American adults’ attitudes, interests, experience, and outcomes associated with mixed-gender trimesters: A replication and extension. Arch Sex Behav 50, 1433–1448
