Content warning
This page has a discussion about abuse.
When my partner and I started dating, I was afraid to get into a relationship with someone who was struggling with their mental health.
My first impression of a man with mental health issues was my father and he often used his depression, anxiety and trauma as an excuse for abusive behaviour. I know not every man deals with their mental health this way, but it’s the experience I’ve had and in some ways it has shaped my understanding of male relationships in my life.
I had a series of “situations” or “friends with benefits” with emotionally unavailable men who often left me feeling unloved, often mirroring the way my father made me feel as a child. I am estranged from my father now and it took two years and several hundred pounds of therapy to undo (at least partially) some of the ‘stuff’ I had from those experiences with my dad. I know I wouldn’t be where I am now, including my wonderful relationship, if it wasn’t for my incredibly supportive friends and mom, and if I wasn’t in the financial position to afford private treatment.
When I started dating again, I promised myself I wouldn’t go to rehab or a therapist or settle for anything confusing and complicated. I wanted to be in a healthy, loving and supportive relationship and anything less than that would have to go. About a month later I met a very kind, wonderful man who was nothing like the complicated, messy relationships I had in the past. When we started dating more seriously, he opened up to me about some of his mental health struggles, including anxiety and depression. She had been through some very difficult things and had come out of some very emotionally dark and scary places. He had done quite a bit of therapy, but he was no longer in therapy, and he was on anti-depressants and had been for a while.
And so, in the spirit of my self-respect and determination to do things differently this time, I told him “I need to know that you have a good support system outside of me. I need to know that if I’m away chasing my dreams and you’re struggling, then you have a plan to support yourself.”
No one person can support someone with depression and anxiety alone.
I also never wanted to feel like it made me sacrifice parts of myself. I knew I wanted to travel the world and maybe live in Brighton, both of which would result in a long distance relationship. That made it all the more important to me that he had a good support system he could rely on and he was local. To which she replied, “I would never want you to be the only one supporting me. I’m fine, I have my people.”
Like me, he is incredibly lucky to have such a supportive loving family and access to treatment and medication. I think a huge reason why we can have such a supportive relationship and communicate so well with each other is because we have a whole wider network of people and services that we can draw on. I often think how hard it must have been for him, and still is sometimes, and I’m very inspired by what a caring, positive man he is and everything he’s overcome, including the added barriers of stigma surrounding men’s mental health and stigma around meditation.
For a while I thought the best way to support him was to try to fix things or make things better.
If he was feeling particularly tired or anxious, I would like to come clean his apartment, cook him dinner, rub his shoulder, and generally take some of the stress off his plate and “mom” him a little. It took me a while to accept that I don’t have to do all these things, as much as it helps and is often very much appreciated.
I am beginning to practice the art of accepting him as he is in the present moment. Sometimes he can’t give it all to me, sometimes he’s not his best, and sometimes he has no energy at all. He is perfectly capable of managing the ups and downs on his own and often doesn’t need me to come fix anything, in fact he almost always knows better than I do what he needs at that moment to feel good again. Often, all he needs from me is to say “it’s okay, just give me what you can, you have to put yourself first. I’ll be right here holding your hand, just let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.” I think loving someone doesn’t always mean taking away all the things that make their life harder, especially when it comes to mental health. Sometimes loving someone says “I know your anxiety is a part of your life and I know that means things won’t always be easy for you or for us, and I love and accept those parts of you too.”
I think it’s incredibly powerful to make a commitment to yourself to take responsibility for your mental health and emotions, and it’s also been a lot easier for us to make these choices because of the tremendous privileges we have. I know that if it wasn’t for my friends and family and many years of therapy, then I wouldn’t have the self-esteem or communication skills that I have now, and without that I know that my partner and I could have a very different kind of relationship.
There are so many people, often men in particular, who feel they are alone with their mental health. But I want them to know that there is always help available – from friends, family, health professionals or support organizations – and there are always brighter days ahead.
*Names have been changed.
It’s okay to not be okay.
Around 1 in 4 people in the UK will experience a mental health problem each year (NHS England, 2020).
If you are worried about your mental health or someone else’s, there are many places that can offer help and support.
