TW: Reports of rape, sexual assault and trauma. Be careful while reading or feel free to skip it.
Let’s touch on a topic that quite a few of you have been asking me about lately: how to be a proud sexual person when you’ve survived a sexual assault.
It’s a deep topic, one that isn’t talked about loudly enough. But, my point? We NEED to talk about this, because if you haven’t experienced direct assault, I can almost guarantee you know someone who has. And if that has it happened to you, you deserve treatment and a happy sex life.
Let’s explore what sexual assault is and how it affects the body, how to talk about it with a partner, and how it can be processed so you can fully enjoy your intimacy.
Note: this is also good information for anyone looking to support a partner or friend.
What is sexual assault?
Any non-consensual, unwanted sexual activity forced upon another person. This could look like forcing a person to do something sexual, trying to be sexually involved with someone when they can’t consent, or any form of sexual contact (touching, grabbing, masturbating in front of them, etc.) that they haven’t consented to to.
Additionally, a person can change their mind at any time about their consent to sexual acts. If you’re connecting and one of you expresses that you’d like to stop, it’s time to stop. Forcing it to continue it’s an attack.
Now, I would give anything to live in a world where the above rules are followed and observed worldwide. Especially since they are pretty clear. But the facts are*:
- Every 68 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted
- Every 9 minutes, that victim is a child
- 1 in 6 American women has been a victim of attempted or completed rape in her lifetime
- About 3% of American men—or 1 in 33—have experienced attempted or completed rape in their lifetime
If you’ve spent any time in the Sex With Emily community, you know we’re a sexual crowd. So it can be shocking and disappointing to see statistics like these, because us The vibe is pro-consensus, pro-communication, pro-cooperative enjoyment.
And yet: this theme is incredibly widespread. All the more reason to educate ourselves about sexual assault and the trauma it leaves.
What is the trauma like after sexual assault?
One of the most helpful resources I have ever come across on trauma is Bessel van der Kolk’s book, The Body Keeps The Score. Here is an excerpt:
“Traumatized people feel chronic insecurity within their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing internal discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded with visceral warning signs and, in an effort to control these processes, they often become experts at ignoring their gut feelings.”
If you’ve ever dealt with trauma, you know the confusion it creates. On the one hand, you’re constantly scanning for threats. On the other hand, you don’t know if you can trust yourself to make judgments. This is because it is difficult to listen to your body: when you are traumatized, the body is not a safe place to be.
In a sexual context, trauma can look like flashbacks, it can be a sudden feeling of fear or threat (even when you’re with someone you trust), it can feel like hypervigilance, it can create disturbing thoughts while sex is happening , and probably more often, it can prevent you from immersing yourself in the present moment and fully letting go with your partner.
How to talk about past sexual assault with a partner?
This is another, related question I get a lot. I think it’s helpful to consider a few things before sharing with a partner.
First, ask yourself: do you feel respected and loved by this person? Can you trust them to support you when you are in a vulnerable situation?
These are the most fundamental questions when deciding to share If the answer is yes to both, here’s what I suggest.
- Think about what you need from your partnerand tell them. Would it be helpful to hold your hand? Be a kind listener? You can request specific support.
- Consider writing it down first. Revisiting the trauma can be triggering, and writing it down will give you a better sense of what you feel comfortable sharing.
- Give yourself plenty of timeand do it at a time when you won’t be interrupted.
- Know that everyone responds in their own waybut it’s okay to set boundaries. For example, if your partner feels angry on your behalf, that’s understandable, but you may not want them to engage in angry behaviors (like yelling). Be clear about what you don’t want.
One of the hallmarks of trauma recovery is support from safe people. Trauma requires corrective experiences, and in a sexual context, that feels like someone stopping when you need to stop, not forcing or guilting you into sex, and being invested in your pleasure as much as their own.
So this discussion is a great first step if you decide to do it. Let’s look at the various ways you can continue to process the trauma and “digest” it to the point where it doesn’t interfere with your sexual present.
How do you cope with sexual trauma and become comfortable with intimacy after abuse?
I mentioned it above, but for me there are three critical elements to a trauma healing journey:
- Letting go of self-blame or shame: “I was drinking too much/I was wearing something too sexy/I drove them/he’s my partner so of course I should have let them.” This is a common reaction, but you did nothing wrong. It’s the mind’s way of trying to make sense out of something very challenging.
- Connect with safe people: therapist, friends, co-survivors, community in any form. Relationship is the crucible of healing and being around trusted people soothes the nervous system.
- Restoring a natural, joyful relationship with your body: creative movement, mindful meditation, breathing, self-care, yoga. These help reboot the nervous system and bring you back to your body.
Everyone’s healing process will be a little different. But the goal is to restore a sense of bodily autonomy and safety: the precursors to relaxation and pleasurable arousal.
Please note that “arousal” is a neutral term and is not inherently sexual. It can also be a fear response. Breathing quickens, heart beats faster, eyes dilate: this is what happens when you are open and having sex with a partner. But sometimes the body misinterprets signals, so if you’re ever in a situation where sex feels amazing with your partner one second, and then uncomfortable the next, it’s okay to stop. Your nervous system is still calibrating to this safe, secure state, and flare-ups every now and then are normal.
Take time for yourself
Another way to restore an intimate, positive relationship with your body is through solo sex or sensual exploration.
For some sexually traumatized people, solo touch isn’t a challenge – it’s the interactions with partners that are the hard part. But for others, touching yourself just doesn’t sound appealing. This is especially true for people who experience shame after long-term sexual trauma and have more or less distanced themselves from their bodies.
Healing from sexual trauma is a deeply personal journey, and it’s important to pace yourself. Remember, you are not alone – you are a survivor and all your feelings are valid. Take the time you need and never feel pressured to move forward until you are truly ready.
*Source: RAINN.org
