I have done academic research on this topic which you can see here:
Men’s internal struggle to access treatment
My research was born out of my experience counseling men over many years, yet similar statements are repeated today. I often heard, “I wanted to be able to do it myself, but in the end I couldn’t.” “I didn’t tell my friends because I was worried about what they would think of me.” “I wanted to express my feelings but it felt like a weakness.” “I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, I just knew something was wrong.” “I felt like I shouldn’t need help.”
I wanted to understand if it was a characteristic of my clients in particular or a sentiment shared by men more broadly. Interestingly, some of the professionals around me had their doubts about whether I would find anything from my research, and one professional made the mistake of thinking that I was studying “toxic masculinity.”
My research goal had nothing to do with “toxic masculinity,” I never used the term, and I certainly wasn’t studying it. My interest was in increasing the counseling engagement for men. I was acutely aware of the high suicide rates among men in New Zealand. I was concerned that if men found it difficult to talk about their struggles (to their partners/families/doctor, etc.), they felt they had to be strong (as traditional male norms tend to dictate) and felt “weak” to reach out for help, where does that leave counseling? After all, counseling is supposed to be one of the services specifically designed to help them.
I was interested in how services could be better tailored for men to engage and I wanted to understand how I as a counselor and society at large, could ‘crush’ this myth that help-seeking was ‘weak’. The very smart men who have contributed to my research have given me some wonderful ideas and I thank them for their vulnerability to participate. Below are some brief thoughts based on the results of my research.
Mental well-being – A worthwhile investment
I’m not saying this to get you to work with me. or any advisor for that matter. It’s your choice how you take care of your mental health. I say that taking care of your mental health is just as important as taking care of your physical health. I’m sure many men reading this have been to gyms, worked out, played sports and understood the benefits of physical health. We don’t seem to pay the same attention to our mental health. I would assume that if you sustained an injury during physical activity, you would be happy to go to your doctor. If you were asked to participate in physical therapy, rehabilitation, or surgery, you would willingly attend without fear of stigma. This does not seem to be the case for mental health, especially for men.
We accept our physical limitations and do what we can to help with rest and recovery. Now let’s compare it to mental health. You may have been feeling depressed/anxious lately due to the death of a loved one. You’ve lost a job, had a breakup, haven’t been able to get a job on time, or are unhappy with where you are in life in general. You may have always felt in control, yet anxiety has taken over. Tasks that used to feel easy suddenly feel very uncomfortable, or maybe the stress is so consuming that you can’t leave the house. Is your first instinct to tell the doctor? Do you get in touch with a healthcare professional right away? If you do that’s fantastic! Good for you for reaching out. However, it doesn’t seem to be the norm, and it should be. There is no need to distinguish between how much attention we pay to our mental well-being versus our physical health.
If we parallel this with the example of physical injury, what do you do in this situation? Do you call the doctor immediately? Get help ASAP? Or are you filled with thoughts of “nothing will pass”? “I’m struggling but I’m worried what my mates will think.” “I just have to smile and cover it up, I can do it myself.” “If I say I’m struggling, people will think less of me.” “I don’t want to disturb others, so I won’t say anything.” In comparison, there seems to be a huge “gap” in how we approach these two scenarios as men. Why not reach out for help? How does mental wellness differ from physical wellness? However, the verbal or unspoken messages we receive about both scenarios don’t seem equal, fair, or helpful to our overall health.
That’s why I think it’s so empowering to reach out and ask for help. That’s why I admire men who do. You are fighting against all the social messages I just wrote above. The men who come to see me have often had the same internal battle, yet they have reached healing. This is incredibly powerful. It is not easy to go against the current, it is incredibly difficult. If it was easy, I wouldn’t have men expressing that they felt weak or “less than” for doing it and unfortunately, often when they do it’s at the end of their relationship.
Strength is both spiritual and physical
What could be more powerful than feeling confident, secure, confident and knowing what you want out of life? What could be more fulfilling than feeling like you are living with purpose, clarity, and living consistently with your values? How would it feel to be able to manage your anxiety levels well, understand why you feel the way you do, and know what you need to do to change it all? How would it feel to have a clear vision of what you want to gain from life and put in the behaviors to achieve it?
After considering these questions, how do you feel? Did they feel like they were coming from a place of weakness, or did you envision a man who is in control, secure, and enjoying life? I think somewhere along the way we lost our way and when you look at it in detail our approach doesn’t even make sense.
Counseling is simply a process of gaining an understanding of yourself, helping you decide what you want, how you feel, and then taking action to move forward. There is no inability to do this. It’s actually the kindest and most empowering thing you can do for yourself. We’re just not taught that growing up. Physicality weakens with age. Your state of mind is with you forever, every hour of every day. Why not ensure that what happens is supportive, empowering and worthwhile? You owe it to yourself to give it some attention and you’ll be stronger for it once you do.
The Chain Reaction of Change
One of the wonderful things I often hear is that once a man has sought treatment and the “mystery” is completely gone (no white lab coats here!) he will often say that he has gone to help his son, colleague, friend, father or grandfather. Sometimes this is not even said out loud. In response to seeing a man gain happiness, control and security, he subconsciously gives permission to others to do the same. In my research, almost all men said they would have been encouraged to participate in treatment if they knew another man who had gone through it, or if they saw more positive experiences from “everyday” men portrayed in the media or in advertising campaigns. I think the more we help men get involved, the more it will lead to more acceptance of counseling and help seeking in general. This is already happening to some extent with the likes of John Kirwan and Mike King (celebrity mental health advocates for those not in New Zealand) and promotions from mental health groups/advocates.
In addition, several of the men I interviewed said it was difficult to know where to start looking for treatment or difficult to find what they were looking for when they did. I believe that a combination of increased acceptance of treatment and more male-centred services will go a long way in changing mental health outcomes for men in New Zealand. It only takes a few brave men to step forward and lead by example.
Be part of the solution. Be strong enough to take the lead and ask for help. You will set a great example for the men around you in time. Hopefully, they will pay more attention to their mental well-being as you do.
Take care guys.
Tim Robinson – Consultant
MCouns. Msc Psych. PGDipHealSc (Health Behavior Change)
Registered Provisional Member of NZAC
