Infidelity has a way of either making things very messy or painfully clear. For some people, finding out that a partner cheated requires an immediate breakup, regardless of the situation—what we call a dealbreaker. But if both partners try to work things out, even for a short time, arguments, confusion, and feelings of betrayal and jealousy can cloud the relationship and make it difficult to end it. the proceeded. For those who choose to stay, then, it often takes a lot of work to restore that trust and rebuild that bond, and even then, the relationship will never be quite the same. This is especially true when the relationship results in a baby.
“Messy” doesn’t even begin to cut it for this situation, as is a woman on Reddit finds out right now. She agreed to stay with her husband after an affair and a baby relationship came to light — but now, somehow, everything gets even more complicated. With her husband asking to take their (now older) child, the woman (aka our OP or the author of the post) responded in a way that has Reddit’s Am I the Asshole? forum divided. Read the full story, Reddit’s response, and our ultimate recommendations.
The case comes to light
Image credit: kieferpix – stock.adobe.com
O.P. and her husband were married for nine years and OP she had no idea about her husband’s affair until 2021. That’s when he was sued for child support by a woman he had an affair with shortly after marriage — not a good way for that information to get out!
New Rules of the OP
Image credit: terovesalainen – stock.adobe.com
The OP said that coming out almost ended their marriage, but instead, they ended up in couples counseling. The OP has agreed to stay married as long as a few basic boundaries are met:
Her husband would have to find a second job to make child support payments, so they didn’t affect the household budget. “She works two part-time retail jobs now that add up to 40-50 hours a week,” she said.
The OP would never have a relationship with the child. She wouldn’t stop her husband from doing so, “but I have absolutely no interest in this child.”
change of plans
Image credit: blackday – stock.adobe.com
It sounds like things were going fine (well, as fine as it could get in this sticky situation), until the OP’s husband shared some news. As of May, his former partner was to be jailed for eight months.
As a result, her husband said he should take custody of the child. (They previously had supervised visits once or twice a month.) The only other option would be to send the child to live with his grandparents on the opposite coast, which would require the child to change schools and be far away from his friends and parents.
OP stands firm
Image credit: fizkes – stock.adobe.com
OP’s response: she gives her husband a brochure for new apartments. “I told him I still felt the way I did 3 years ago,” she said – she didn’t want the child in her life. When her husband said it wasn’t fair considering the circumstances, the OP simply said she didn’t care about the circumstances.
“His child is not welcome in my home,” OP wrote. “If he wanted custody, I’ll grant him an amicable divorce, but I’m not changing my mind. I’m not babysitting some other chick’s kid.” In one release, she also noted that she didn’t want to be the one to file for divorce because “I’m not the one who created this situation… He’s responsible for getting his own ducks in a row for the situation he created. That includes being the one to go through the headache of filing.”
Reddit’s answer
Image credit: Nicholas Felix/peopleimages.com
The OP’s strong stance drew equally strong comments from Redditors. Many commenters opined that either the OP wasn’t the jerk or that everyone is wrong here — including the OP, to some degree.
But the most common sentiment is summed up in the top comment, with 14K(!) upvotes: “This marriage should have ended years ago.” Other Redditors expanded on this, explaining that they understood the OP’s position, but it didn’t seem like the relationship had a future. “There is no way I think it’s your responsibility to raise this child,” one person said. “But it’s his responsibility. And this poor kid didn’t ask for any of it. The whole situation would be happier and healthier if you all separated.’
“This is the result of staying with him after the affair,” another person wrote. OP wanting her boundaries is understandable, but “there’s no way a kid can’t complicate your life.” If the OP really wants to stay with her husband, another commenter said, “you need to meet his kid.” If he can’t do that, the marriage isn’t going to work.
However, some commenters gave the OP some props for sticking to her rules. “I LOVE that about you! You made your boundaries clear and now he can’t keep his side of the bargain. You’re not telling him not to be a father, but if his child SHOULD live with HIM, then he can’t live with you.” The OP responded, saying the last sentence was “basically it” and added a crucial piece of information: “I never even wanted to have kids of my own.”
This makes the OP’s position even more valid to us. She has no obligation to care for or have a child she didn’t want in the first place, let alone a child that resulted from a relationship her husband kept from her until the child support claims came. As another commenter wrote, “You are absolutely not responsible for helping him raise his child. However, he is very responsible for that child. These are the consequences of his actions. I just don’t think the proposed compromise, where you as a woman you have nothing to do with his child, he is realistic.”
Telling her husband to leave to raise her child may be her way of pressuring him to initiate a divorce — and we agree that divorce is the best option here. OP’s need to keep the child out of her life and her husband’s need to care for the child are incompatible, and a divorce seems like the only way to put everyone out of their misery. Divorce itself isn’t exactly easy, but we think the OP will come out the other side in a much better place.
