THANK YOU FOR ASKING: First Time Sex Tips
By Robin of Sex Sense
Hello! we are SO GLAD YOU ASKED! Our team at Sex Sense is getting a lot of questions and we’re re-launching our So Glad You Asked blog posts in celebration of SexPlus Week 2026! This week, Robin answers one of our most frequently asked questions: “what should I know when I’m having sex for the first time?” Sex Sense answers all types of questions about sex, sexual health and sexuality and can be reached Monday to Friday 9am. to 9 p.m. at 1-800-739-7367 or by email by visiting SexSense.org.
Back by popular demand, here are our tips for first sex. While some places specifically talk about vaginal and/or anal sex, all types of sexual activity are legitimate and what your first time means is up to you. Virginity is a social construct and vaginal and anal sex is by no means the only “real” kind of sex! Many of these tips will be useful for any type of first sexual activity – and beyond!
Talk about it One of the most important factors in a satisfying sexual relationship is our ability to communicate with our partner. Here are some things you may want to communicate with your partner before and during first sex:
- What kind of sex are you ready for: Even when we know we want to have sex, we may be comfortable with some things and not others. Thinking for what we feel ready in advance can make it easier to communicate our boundaries to our partners before or during sex.
- Safer sex and pregnancy prevention: see more below about it!
- Obtain consent: The most important first step in any kind of sexual activity is to get consentor in other words, the other person’s permission or agreement to that activity. Consent should be freely given without pressure, clearly communicated, ongoing (as it is good to check in regularly and a person can change their mind at any time) and ideally enthusiastic.
- What is good and what is not: Experimenting and exploring, when we feel safe, can be a great way to discover what we do and don’t like. Or maybe you’ve already learned some things about your likes and dislikes through masturbation or past sexual activity. Communicating This can help us get more of what we like and less of what we don’t like. In penetrative sex, it’s especially important that the person being penetrated is able to communicate if things are working and if things need to be slowed down, softened, or relaxed.
Play it safe and sober
Although sex can never be 100% safe, there are many ways to make it safer, and here are some of them:
- Safe sex and STDs: Sexually transmitted infections (STDs) can be passed through skin-to-skin contact or fluid exchange during sex. If it’s everyone’s first time having sex, there’s not much chance of an STD being passed on. However, there are some cases where there may be a small chance (for example, if either of you has had sexual activity other than intercourse), so it may be a good idea to consider ways to make sex safer. This may include STD screeningusing external or internal condoms, and the HPV vaccine if you haven’t already taken it in school. If you want to discuss this further, please contact Sex Sense.
- Pregnancy prevention: : If someone with a uterus is involved, it can be helpful and reassuring to know what can cause pregnancyand think ahead to reduce the chances – unless of course you are trying to get pregnant! Using a condom is one method that will reduce the chance of both pregnancy and STDs. However, condoms alone are not very strong protection against pregnancy, so you may want to use condoms as well as another method. A great place to start is to learn about different types of birth control. If you have questions or need help finding a method that works for you, contact Sex Sense.
- Indifference or restrictive drugs and alcohol: Limiting alcohol and drugs makes safer sex much easier – when we’re under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol, we’re less likely to follow through on our plans for safer sex. It can also make us less present and able to communicate clearly with our partner. While I have no judgment on people who mix drugs and sex, for first time sex, I would recommend that you do it sober. Also, when someone’s judgment is clouded by alcohol and/or drugs, it can be more difficult to get consent. In fact, if someone is drunk or high, then in some cases it can be considered sexual assault. It’s a lot to negotiate for first sex!
Lubricate it
Oiling in sex it reduces friction and makes things slippery, which can feel better and is less likely to cause discomfort or damage. The vagina produces its own lubrication when one is turned on, but this is not always enough. Adding store-bought lubrication—often called “lube”—is definitely recommended.
In anal sex, lube is especially important as the anus and rectum do not have their own source of lubrication like the vagina or mouth. Especially with anal sex, the rule of thumb with lube is to add as much as you think you need and then add some more!
More lube/less friction is better for a condom too, if you use one. If you use latex condoms, it’s important to use water-based or silicone-based lubricants. Never use petroleum or oil-based lubricants (such as petroleum jelly or massage oil) with a latex condom as they will destroy it!
You can buy lube at a drugstore, adult store or online. Many clinics also offer it for free.
Go slow on this one
Try to take time and enjoy many other types of activity before penetration. If you both feel relaxed and turned on before penetration occurs, sex will likely be much more enjoyable.
In fact, let’s take a moment to acknowledge that it’s kind of strange that we call so many kinds of sex play – as if they’re not as important as intercourse, which is often considered the primary act! This is kind of heterotypical, am I right? For some people, the activities that qualify as “foreplay” are the types of sex they enjoy the most or the only types of sex they have.
But if intercourse is your thing: With vaginal sex, the vagina lengthens and widens when someone is aroused, so penetrative sex can sometimes be more comfortable and enjoyable when people take time to relax and enjoy the process rather than rushing into sex.
And being really relaxed is very important with anal sex, as there are rings of muscle around the anal opening and inside that need to be relaxed to allow penetration without pain. If any ring of muscle is tense, penetration may feel uncomfortable or even painful.
When everyone is relaxed, aroused and ready for penetration, don’t just push the penis or the toy! Instead, take it slow. Start with the head or tip first. If it feels okay, loosen it an inch or two farther and check again. However far it ends up, hold it there again for a moment before you start moving in and out. Take as much time as you need to adjust to each new sensation.
Do it for pleasure, not pressure to perform
When people describe difficulties with sex – whether erectile problems, premature ejaculation, difficulty orgasming or so on – the common factor is usually a feeling of pressure. When we feel pressured to perform in a certain way, this worry or anxiety can make it much harder to enjoy sex!
The sense of pressure can come from anywhere – the porn we watch, our peers or partners, popular culture like TV and movies, or our own personal beliefs – and makes us feel like sex should always look, feel and go a certain way. But sex is meant to be play and pleasure, not pressure and performance.
Try to explore, experiment and enjoy the process. Sex is a skill that takes time to develop, but discovering it is part of the fun!
Please note
Sex Sense is a free, pro-choice, sex-positive and confidential service. Our team of registered nurses, counselors and sex educators offers information and resources about sex, sexuality and sexual health. If you have any questions of your own about this or any other sexual health issue, you can contact them Monday through Friday 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. at 1-800-739-7367 or by email by visiting SexSense.org.
This post contains general information that may not apply to everyone. It is not a substitute for professional medical diagnosis and treatment or counseling and other mental health support. If this is a topic that affects you, please respond with questions about your own specific situation. We will reply to you privately and provide the appropriate information and resources.
