One of the key concepts I discover with new clients, sometimes right out of the gate, sometimes a little later, is awareness. Because if we are not fully aware of our habitual thoughts, feelings and actions, then we have no hope of changing or evolving.
But there is a problem with becoming more aware of our thoughts, feelings and actions. And that problem is the messy middle.
The messy middle, or awkward in-between phase, is when your awareness has increased, but you haven’t grown or changed much – yet. If some of your thoughts, feelings, and actions are of the kind that don’t exactly feel good (“Oh my god…am I really doing this? And so often?” or “Why do I keep thinking about this???”), it can lead to a shame spiral.
And what happens when we feel shame? We shut down, bury our heads in the sand, try to comfort or distract ourselves — possibly in ways that don’t actually support our long-term well-being. That’s why Awareness really needs to be combined with the tripartite of acceptance, non-judgment and curiosity:
- Accepting that we are all human, we all have flaws, and we also have the ability to grow
- We don’t judge ourselves for our very human flaws
- Be curious about why we do what we do and why we think what we think
The messy middle of the diet breakup
One of the messiest media I see in my work it comes during the process of stopping dieting (or any pursuit of weight loss) and food culture. If you’ve spent years (or decades) believing that the pursuit of weight loss is necessary for health and/or the ticket to being a valuable, accepted human being, then letting go of the fantasy will naturally be HARD.
When I say tough, I don’t necessarily mean mentally abandoning the idea of pursuing weight loss like it’s your second job. I mean really, really give it up in a built-in sense. To do this, you need to be able to navigate the messy medium:
- Fully evaluating how much time/energy/money you have given to the diet industry and diet culture
- What did it cost you?
- How close (or how far away) you came to providing a viable solution to what you thought was your problem (whether it was the weight itself, a lack of trust or acceptance, or something else)
What if you don’t honestly appreciate why your pursuit of weight loss didn’t get you what you hoped for? Well, the magical thinking of “Maybe I should just try one more time… sure this the diet will work/if I try harder it will work” is going to keep bubbling to the surface.
Continuing to buy into your fantasy prevents you from growing, evolving, changing and creating the new habits you need to find peace with food, mind and body so you can be happier, healthier and more satisfied with life.
Painful goodbyes and new beginnings
Leaving diet culture behind can mean facing fear, sadness or shame about what you’ve given up and what you haven’t “done”. This is awareness, and, again, this can be difficult. (Okay, it might royally suck.) But if you make it work, it allows you to come to terms with what was, and what is, so you can start to move on. This transition usually occurs in three phases:
- Saying “goodbye”. Allow yourself to mourn the hopes and disappointments you experienced while investing in food culture, maybe even do something to ritually signal that the past isn’t coming back.*
- The messy waist. You shed old habits and behaviors and develop new ones and learn how to accept the thoughts and feelings that arise without getting hung up on them if they don’t help you or tempt you to repeat old patterns.
- The new beginning. Practice your new behaviors and make choices based on your deepest values, such as fully engaging with life in the body you have right now.
*For many people, this means throwing away diet books and magazines and unfollowing people on social media who promote weight loss or restrictive diet/exercise routines. You can also write a letter describing your old magical way of thinking and where it didn’t get you, and burn it in the fire. You could bake a cake or plan a party (even a party for one, maybe a massage followed by a nice meal). Or find something else that works for you. Ritual can help make the transition real and help you move forward.
Knowing better and doing better
In an ideal perfect world, we would never make a mistake or mistakes, and we would always achieve our goals effortlessly. Alas, this world does not exist!
Being willing to be wrong is a huge asset to living our best life. I try to be transparent about how I was stuck in diet culture (personally) for many years, and how I even perpetuated it (professionally) for a while as I clung to my own messy waistline. I saw the benefit of the Intuitive Nutrition and Health at Every Size approach, while also seeing the weight loss research for what it was… that the Emperor had no clothes.
I saw all of this, yet I did “weight management without dieting” for a few years, until the little voice in my head that was whispering “this isn’t an issue” became a scream, and then a scream, and then I got out.
I am not the only dietitian who has had this experience. We are growing in number, sharing our experiences and we are less likely to suffer in shameful silence than to speak out, “I was wrong and now that I know better, I’m doing better.” A shout out to Maya Angelou for this one.
Really, I see no shame in being wrong. Shame, if there is one, is in making a mistake, knowing (or suspecting) that we are wrong, and then doing the same thing we did. I would say instead of being embarrassing, this is a damn shame (!) because when we stick to our old habits and beliefs in the face of evidence that those habits and beliefs don’t serve us, we become stagnant.
Need more help making changes that support health and wellness without focusing on weight? Click here to schedule a free 20-minute Discovery Call to talk about your concerns and whether you would benefit from nutritional therapy.
Disclaimer: All information provided here is general in nature and provided for educational purposes only. This information should not be taken as medical or other health advice related to an individual’s specific health or medical condition. You agree that use of this information is at your own risk.
Hi, I’m Carrie Dennett, MPH, RDN, a weight that includes registered dietitian, nutritionist and body image consultant. I offer compassionate, personalized care for adults of all ages, shapes, sizes and genders who want to break free from eating disorders, disordered eating or years of dieting. If you need to learn how to management of IBS symptoms with food, or improve your eating and lifestyle habits to help manage a current health concern or just supporting your overall health and wellness, helping people with that too.
Need 1-on-1 help with your nutrition, food or body image concerns? Schedule a free 20-minute Discovery Call let’s talk about how I can help you and explore if we’re a good fit! I am in network with Regence BCBS, FirstChoice Health and Providence Health Plan and can bill Blue Cross and/or Blue Shield insurance in many states. If I don’t get your insurance, I can help you claim compensation yourself. To learn more, explore our insurance and service areas page.
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