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Why are we so fascinated by open relationships? I’ve been writing about them for the past couple of years, going down Reddit rabbit holes, roaming Instagram comment sections, and talking to open relationship experts and veterans who describe both the incredible highs and devastating lows that can come with this emerging but not quite mainstream style of relationship. One thing I can tell you for sure: watchers love to see an open relationship fail.
It’s a classic case of schadenfreude, or perhaps the shameful satisfaction we get when someone who dares to defy social norms receives a harsh reality check. Whatever the reason, the forums are full of commenters shaking their heads at “yet another” open relationship gone wrong. There are the stereotypical stories: husbands who want “permission” to cheat, only to find that their wives are more popular on the dating scene. A person falls a little too hard for their new partner. One half of a couple breaks the rules of their open relationship. a partner who wants to open up their relationship as an excuse to cheat.
The peanut gallery loves to throw stones and spin stories, but the reality of why open relationships fail (and reminder: not all do) is much more complicated. Often, it has less to do with sleeping with other people and not investing enough in the initial relationship.
Why do open relationships fail?
It’s no secret that open relationships can fail for many of the same reasons monogamous relationships fail: “poor communication, lack of trust, poor conflict management skills,” explains Jasmonae Joyriel, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist at Turn it on again. But there are specific ways these issues can lead to problems in an open relationship versus a monogamous relationship — and some reasons that are particular to open relationships in the first place.
A partner is not fully integrated. “The biggest pitfall I see is moving too fast,” says Joyriel. This means opening up a relationship before both partners are ready to do so. Working through those early insecurities, creating boundaries, figuring out how to tune each other out — all of that takes time to form, she says. It’s also not a decision you should make under pressure from your partner. “Before you agree to an open relationship, be completely honest with yourself about whether it’s something you want or something you feel you have to agree to in order to appease your partner,” says Laurel van der Toorn, LMFT, clinical director at Laurel Therapy Collective. “If it’s the latter, the open relationship is likely to do more harm than good.”
You don’t have clear, realistic boundaries. Boundaries are essential in any relationship, but especially one that is open to other partners. “The most common mistake I see with couples is having ambiguous or unclear expectations about boundaries, openness, or emotional intimacy,” she says. Lisa ChenLMFT. “They move into an open relationship, but often, it turns out they weren’t on the same page.”
Your communication is missing. Good communication is also critical to all types of relationships. Open relationships in particular “require strong emotional regulation, honesty, repair skills, and genuine trust,” says Chen. “When a partner goes beyond what feels authentic to them, the deal falls apart.”
You (or your partner) are being cheated on. Yes, cheating can happen in open relationships, depending on the boundaries you and your partner have. “Just because a relationship is open doesn’t mean it’s immune to infidelity,” confirms van der Toorn. “It’s vital to have a clear, mutual understanding of your relationship boundaries when dealing with other partners. Is openness purely sexual? What if one of you starts to develop romantic feelings or trust another party?” Failure to act on the boundaries you’ve set “can be devastating,” Joyriel adds — especially if this relationship structure is newer to you, and especially if unfaithful behavior becomes a pattern.
You avoid your feelings. Open relationships are no excuse to avoid tougher conversations. “Some well-meaning people may use open relationships or polygamy as a barrier to getting really close and vulnerable,” says van der Toorn. “Vulnerability and openness are critical ingredients to a fulfilling relationship, regardless of structure.”
You open up the relationship to cover deeper issues. Likewise, opening up your relationship with the sole purpose of trying to save it is not a good idea. Whatever issues you’re dealing with in a closed relationship aren’t going to go away when you open it up. “If a couple already has communication problems, resentment, or mismatched desires, opening up their relationship often reinforces the rifts rather than mending them,” Chen explains. “Open relationships are not meant to save a failed relationship.”
You are tired. In practical terms, you only have so much time and energy in a day. “Feeling tired of one or more of the relationships” can be a real reason why open relationships don’t work, notes Joyriel. On a similar note, if you don’t have synergy between all of your relationships and partners—various partners who align with expectations and boundaries, for example—keeping your relationship open will be difficult and taxing.
3 Tips to Make an Open Relationship Work
All that said, open relationships can and do work for people. Of course, there’s no hard-and-fast rule (or set of rules) to ensure it does, but the experts we spoke to offered some specific tips to point you in the right direction.
Check in regularly. Have we mentioned how important communication is? Open relationships, Chen says, require “a lot of planning, communication and trust between the two partners” because they can cause “attachment trauma and insecurities. If partners can be absolutely clear about their needs and communicate clearly, the structure can work.” Joyriel recommends that you regularly review and adjust your relationship boundaries and expectations as needed. “Like other areas of a relationship, we evolve,” she explains. “Partners need space to think about what’s working well and where it might need to change. The agreements we make are like a living document that may need to be amended from time to time. That’s perfectly fine.” Bottom line: you should discuss the issues as they arise and stay in tune with what you want.
Set clear boundaries. Open relationships aren’t just about seeing whoever you want, whenever you want, she says Kristen MosierLMFT. “Successful open relationships have clear boundaries before inviting others in.” Are you just going to have sex with other people or is it okay if feelings are involved? Do you and your partner want each other’s dating details, or will you keep it to yourself? You’ll want to be clear about your expectations within the relationship and make sure your partner is aligned.
Try therapy — in pairs or individually. If you’re looking for help, Mosier says therapy can be a good place to talk through those boundaries. “Sometimes this requires facing disagreements or differences as to what is desirable in order to negotiate mutually beneficial parameters,” he notes. If you’re struggling more with your attachment style and have insecurities or jealousy, Mosier recommends individual therapy “so that the struggling partner can deal with the emotion that’s coming up and decide what they feel comfortable moving forward with.”
As an example of an open relationship that works, we’ll cite Molly Roden Winter. THE New York Times-bestselling author of More has shared a lot about her open relationship over the years, but one of our biggest takeaways is how she and her husband remain flexible to their changing needs and desires. After starting out with several “rules,” including not falling in love with anyone else, Winter says they now have just one: support each other emotionally in every decision they make.
“We have complete freedom to live our lives the way we want,” Winter tells SheKnows, “but we honor each other in terms of our emotional care for each other. So if I make a choice and it affects my husband and upsets him, that doesn’t mean I made the wrong choice or that I have to change what I’m doing, but part of my job is to help him.” This might just mean listening with an open mind, being kind and loving, or maybe modifying her behavior so that it works for both of you.
Every relationship is unique and operates according to its own rules and expectations, and open relationships are no exception. It’s just about finding what works for you and your partner and committing to each other through it. “There are many versions of what ‘open’ means, from permission to flirt to weekend passes to ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ to polyamory,” agrees Joyriel, calling it a “super custom” way to be in a relationship. “Open relationships can be healthy and fulfilling for many couples,” she says—with a healthy dose of communication, trust, and vulnerability on the side.
