I am a marriage and family consultant so I have to know better. My wife and I got married forty -five years and still tells me that I don’t hear her.
“You don’t have to solve my problems. I just want to be heard »
He told me many times. I know, I know. I know what I must You do, I only have one problem to do it. The director, Jason Headley records what many men and women experience in less than two minutes. Have watched the movie Many times since I first saw it more than ten years ago and still reminds me of the challenges we face in our relationships.
Like many men, I was always a problem solving. If something goes wrong in my life, I’m looking for a way to fix it. When the water started dripping under one of the beams in the living room, he ran for a frying pan to catch the drip, then he called a roofer friend who came out and defined the roof.
When my wife has a problem, I hear until it is clear what the problem is and then I tell her what I think she should do. For me who shows her that I love her. Too many men, I know, do not know what is happening to their partners. I have several male friends who say they were blind when their wife told them, from blue, “I want a divorce”. The wives say they have expressed their misery for years, but they just didn’t hear.
I was never this husband. I hear and want my wife to be happy. If there is a problem that can be corrected, I want to correct it if I can or encourage it to correct it. But over the years I have learned that we have to resist our coercion in order to correct things and to spend time to hear.
The two -minute movie that will change your life for the better, if …
The movie, It’s not about the nail It was done by Jason Headley. He also wrote Pixar’s Year and Forward and wrote and directed the SXSW characteristic of a special jury award A bad idea went wrong. It’s not about the nail It has taken over 24 million views on YouTube since it was released in 2013.
I believe that the movie can change your life for good if you do three simple things:
- Watch the movie.
- Learn the important lessons that the film teaches us.
- Practice what you learn … again and again and again.
Seeing the situation from the woman’s perspective
When you watch and listen to the woman in the movie, she clearly tells us what is happening to her and how she feels:
“There is all this pressure. Do you know? And sometimes it feels like it’s right on me. And I feel it. I literally feel it – in my mind and it’s relentless.”
“And I don’t know if it’s going to stop … that’s the thing that scares me the most. I don’t know … if it’s ever to stop.”
He returns to the man and…
Seeing the situation from man’s perspective
From his point of view, the problem is obvious and as soon as he points out, he is sure that the woman will do the right thing and accept and appreciate his wisdom.
She looks at her, shows her finger and says to her:
“You have a nail on your head.”
In this, he replies, “this is not the nail.”
It is important to note that he does not say, “I have no nail in my head” but “not for the nail”.
From his point of view, he is absolutely wrong and if he will hear him, he will see the obvious truth of the problem, everything will be okay
“You’re sure … because I bet if we got this thing from there,” she tells her.
In cheating he says: “Stop trying to fix it.”
But, of course, he doesn’t give up. “I’m not trying to fix it,” he says. “I just point out that maybe the nail is causing …”
Her frustration boils. “You always do this. You always try to fix things when what I need is to hear …”
At this point, we are in half of the two -minute film. Do you begin to understand the wisdom and importance of understanding their different perspectives? From our separate views, we believe that the truth is obvious. However, there is a deeper truth that we need help for recognition.
What do experts have to say
I have met and admired the work of Harville Hendrix and Helen Lakelly Hunt for more than forty years. I have interviewed both of my podcasts both times, including a recent Interviewing only with Harville on men’s issues. Harville and Helen are internationally respected therapists, teachers, speakers and authors of the New York Times. Together, they have written over 10 books with more than 4 million copies sold, including the timeless classic, Downloading the love you want: A guide for pairs. In addition, Harville appeared on the Oprah Winfrey television program 17 times!
They helped millions of women and men listen to each other and know that they are heard and understood. They have also found that relationship problems are not limited to our close relationships. They are conducting our society. In their most recent book, How to talk to anyone about anything: the practice of storing conversations, Harville and Helen Say,
“We started developing the skills that led to the creation of safe talks at Helen’s salon in 1977, when we started dating for the first time. We had both passed through painful divorces and we were willing to make our relationship despite our differences.”
John and Julie Gottman are also a well -respected twin to help couples improve their relationships for more than forty years. Over the years they have learned that men have an important and unique role to play in improving a couple’s love, but they have rarely been given the specific tools they need to succeed.
‘Men, you have the power to do or break a relationship’
They say in their book, The Women’s Man’s Guide: Scientifically proven secrets from “Love Lab” about what women really want.
“What men do in relationships is, with great margin, the critical factor that separates a great relationship from a failed. This does not mean that a woman does not need to do her role, but the data proves that a Human actions are the basic variable that determines whether a relationship succeeds or fails, which is ironic, as most relationship books are for women. This is like doing open heart surgery to the wrong patient. ”
John Gottman, PhD, is the guy known for being able to accurately predict 94 % if a couple will be divorced. The scientific workshop, the “Love Lab”, is the main source of his knowledge. John’s wife, Dr. Julie Gottman, is a clinical psychologist who worked side by side with John to reinforce couples’ relationships worldwide.
In addition to being the world’s leading marriage researcher, John has also been distinguished by his existence in many devastating relationships with women before meeting Julie. Being a marriage expert does not relieve us from having our own problems. We all need help and support. I know about personal experience as I share the introductory video on my website, “Confessions of a Wedding Advisor Twice”.
I am writing a new article every week. I look forward to your questions and comments. I also invite you to join our community and register for the free weekly newsletter.
