I’ve been learning about shame and guilt lately. As a writer, these words resonate with me. In fact, their psychological effects could not be more dissimilar. Guilt is normal and even helpful, while shame can have a toxic effect on mental health. Let’s talk about how we all experience guilt and even shame, but how guilt can help us and shame can hurt us.
Understanding guilt: A healthy emotion for positive change
Guilt is a common and natural psychological emotion that can help guide behavior and personal development.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), guilt is:
“A conscious feeling characterized by a painful appreciation that you have done (or thought) something that is wrong and often by a readiness to take action designed to undo or mitigate that wrong.”
I feel it every time I don’t tip a barista. I feel self-conscious about it, but it’s a fleetingunpleasant emotion. Might motivate me to tip my regular barista next time.
While guilt is often healthy in that it can motivate positive change, guilt also has the ability to spiral out of control. People can start to feel guilty about everything, and that’s not healthy. It’s certainly a known fact that I feel guilty quite often when I’m depressed. This is not surprising, because it is Excessive guilt is a real symptom of depression.
I would also argue that too much guilt can turn into toxic shame, but more on that in a bit.
What is Toxic Shame? The psychology behind this harmful emotion
Shame, especially toxic shame, is a psychologically devastating emotion that many people experience, but few fully (or even slightly) understand.
According to the APA, shame is:
“An extremely unpleasant feeling arising from the sense that there is something dishonorable, indecent, or obscene in one’s conduct or circumstances. It is typically characterized by withdrawal from social interaction—for example, hiding or distracting others from one’s shameful action—which can have a profound effect on psychological adjustment and interpersonal relationships. Shame can motivate not only aversive behavior but also defensive, retaliatory anger. Psychological research consistently reports a link between shame-proneness and a range of psychological symptoms, including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, subclinical sociopathy, and low self-esteem. Shame is also thought to play a more positive adaptive function by moderating experiences of excessive and inappropriate interest and excitement and diffusing potentially threatening social behavior.’
So, (simplified) while guilt motivates you to moderate something you did that you feel was wrong, toxic shame prompts you to remove yourself from a situation entirely because you is what is wrong. And even worse, shame makes you feel so bad about yourself that it can manifest as defensive rage.
As stated by the APA, because shame is so active, it damages you and your relationships. Excessive shame is associated with mental illness and low self-esteem.
As the APA notes, shame is not all bad. It can be positive in that it can motivate you to change inappropriate behavior by threatening social punishment. This positive can be seen when the shame is rare and due to a truly shameful act, but this positive is not seen with toxic shame as it often occurs for minor perceived infractions. This is what makes her toxic shame.
Personal stories of guilt and shame: Lessons from mental health
I am all too familiar with guilt and shame. I think this is due to my extreme familiarity with depression. The thing is, I never realized how much depression drove my shame and how toxic and harmful my shame was.
Like I said, I tend to feel guilty about everything when I’m depressed. This is awful because it makes me feel like I’ve been doing it “wrong” all day. This means I feel like I can’t do the “right” thing no matter what. And if all I do is wrong, and if I never do right, then I feel awfully bad about myself, indeed (worthlessness is associated with guilt and another symptom of depression).
This was a recognizable cycle for me. Toxic shame was not as recognizable. I could understand how what I was doing made me feel bad for making perceived mistakes (no matter how inaccurate that perception might be). In other words, he showed me guilt what did i do it was wrong. I didn’t understand that feeling ashamed made me feel bad about myself. In other words, toxic shame made me feel this way I it was wrong.
An Example of Toxic Shame
My apartment is a disaster. I often joke that FEMA is on the way or that people need HAZMAT suits to get in. One day, someone was coming to my apartment and I apologized for his condition, as usual. Then I said something like, “Believe me, I’m ashamed of living this way.”
He said he could understand the embarrassment but not the shame.
Now I understand why he said that. What he was saying is that while having a messy apartment might be embarrassing for some, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with it. my. But to me, I feel like a messy apartment is proof of that i am wrong.
And in a nutshell, that’s why shame is toxic. I am not wrong or bad. it’s just the toxic shame that makes me think and feel like I am.
Overcoming Toxic Shame: Tips for Emotional Recovery
Getting over toxic shame is no mean feat, and I’m definitely still working on it myself. As I said, shame itself is normal, so the goal isn’t to get rid of shame completely, but to make sure it’s not a negative influence in your life.
Steps to overcome toxic shame include:
- Acknowledge guilt and shame. The first step is to always be able to detect the presence of emotions in your head. Pay attention to when you feel bad about your actions or yourself. Pay attention to when you want to withdraw from social situations. These are signs that you are feeling guilty or ashamed.
- Recognize toxic shame. If you feel shame and it convinces you that you are bad or wrong, that is toxic shame. Point this out whenever it happens.
- Challenge your inner critic. Remind yourself of that toxic shame is not true. Shame is real, but the idea that you are “wrong” is not. A messy apartment (or a mistake, or a quality you don’t like, etc.) doesn’t make you a bad person.
- Search for connection. This is a classic case when needed do the opposite. Instead of retreating as shame wills you, look for the connection. Your supportive connections will remind you, as my friend did, that while you may not be perfect, you’re not bad either.
- Focus on self-compassion. I am working on kindness and self-compassion to soften my inner critic. While there are legitimate reasons I need my inner critic, it doesn’t have to be as bad as it often is. (A great one The self-compassion resource is here.)
- Get professional help. If you’re feeling shame that really makes you feel like you’re “bad,” you probably need professional help. This might mean treating the depression that gives toxic shame its power, or seeing a psychologist to develop skills that combat overreactive feelings of shame. Either way, toxic shame can be difficult to handle on your own.
Final thoughts on guilt vs. Shame
Guilt can lead us to make better choices, but toxic shame erodes our mental health and relationships. By understanding the difference between these feelings and taking steps to overcome shame, we can free ourselves from its grip and find greater peace and contentment.
If you’ve struggled with shame or guilt, you’re not alone. Share your experiences in the comments — I’d love to hear your thoughts. Let’s start a conversation about getting rid of the toxicity of shame.
