I have a bad habit of thinking that everything is my fault. It’s remarkable, actually. No matter what happens and no matter what other people do, I always feel like I made it happen. This is a personal inclination of mine, psychologically I suspect, but also affected by depression. If you feel like it’s all your fault, read why that might be and what to do about it.
Why might a person think that everything is their fault?
There are many reasons why people believe that everything is their fault. Parenting is great. Kids tend to think it’s all their fault because they don’t understand the bigger factors at play. Children are the centers of their own universes – they haven’t learned any different yet – so they think things like their parents’ divorce are their fault. And, of course, some parents reinforce this belief by blaming children for things that are completely out of the child’s control. If that was you, it makes sense to carry that feeling into adulthood.
But I think there’s a bigger reason why many people think it’s all their fault, and that’s the illusion of control. If you believe that everything is your fault, then you believe that everything is under your control. If you believe that you control everything, then you can prevent bad things from happening. This idea brings people comfort and has spawned self-help nonsense such as the idea that you attract whatever happens to you (like attracting like, The secret, etc.). People recommend this illusion because they want to believe that they can prevent bad things from happening and make good things happen. This is despite the fact that most of the things that happen to us are arguably beyond our control. (Just ask a hungry child.)
I feel like it’s all my fault because of the depression
While I believe I have psychological reasons to believe that it’s all my fault, I also believe that depression has drastically amplified this tendency. “Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt” is a real symptom of depression recognized in Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. We know that people with depression feel this way because of the illness itself.
The effect of thinking everything is my fault
It’s devastating because thinking that everything is your fault makes you hate yourself more when bad things happen. If someone rejects you? It is your fault. If you lose a job? It is your fault. If you had a fire in the kitchen? It is your fault. Why wouldn’t you hate yourself if you thought you made all of this happen? Why don’t you feel unworthy? Self-blame and feelings of worthlessness go hand in hand.
Overwhelming feelings of self-blame drown out any additional triggers. Of course, we all affect our lives and that affects what happens to us. We have an important role to play in our lives. But many things are also out of our control. Someone may reject you because of their own psychological peccadilloes. You might lose a job because the company cut back. These things are simply not your fault.
The difference between personal responsibility and thinking it’s all my fault
I’ve talked before about personal responsibility. We must take responsibility for our own mental illness and our own well-being. And I believe this. I think it’s important not to use bipolar disorder as an excuse for bad behavior. That said, there’s a fine line between taking responsibility and believing it’s all your fault. You can take responsibility for taking your medication as prescribed – this is important for wellness – but it’s not your fault if you become depressed despite your best efforts. You can only do what you can, and you are not to blame for bipolar disorder itself.
Fight the thought that everything is your fault
Like I said, our choices dramatically affect our lives, but it’s important to evaluate what we do and don’t control. You may be helping break up a relationship, but that doesn’t mean you did it. There is another person there that you have no control over.
So when I start thinking that it’s all my fault, I try to stop and appreciate the reality of that thought. Can I really be at fault here? Am I reading the situation correctly? Are there other contributing factors? What part of the situation do I have no control over? And how can I maintain my self-esteem regardless of the role I had to play?
Answering these questions may sound easy, but it can be very difficult for a person experiencing severe depression. Sometimes, I need help. It’s great to bounce these answers off a friend. And, of course, a therapist can also help a lot.
The important thing to remember, though, is that depression makes me lean way too much in the direction of self-blame. I have to remember that just because I think and feel it, that doesn’t make it real. I have to remember that depression is a liar. Not only does depression lie to me, but depression makes me lie to myself. Fighting the idea that it’s all my fault is not only about assessing the reality of the situation, but actually fighting depression itself.
And finally, I have to remember that while making a mistake and rightfully blaming myself can affect my self-concept, it shouldn’t affect my self-esteem. Value is inherent. Everyone makes mistakes. He doesn’t underestimate them as people. I have to remember that it is depression that says I am worthless, not me and not the world.
In short, not everything is your fault, but even when something is, you’re still okay.
