General rule of thumb: if you think opening up your marriage or relationship will save your marriage or relationship is probably not going to work out. Don’t just take our word for it: experts and women who’ve tried open relationships (including a mom who wrote a best-selling memoir about the experience) told SheKnows that open relationships are best started from a place of complete trust and commitment. If you’re dealing with deep marital issues, bringing other partners into the mix probably won’t solve the problem.
But we can understand the temptation. Let’s say, for example, your marriage is very good. You’re doing well, you’re good co-parents, you’ve invested a lot of time and effort into this partnership… but you’re just not sexually compatible anymore. At least one of you is not satisfied, for whatever reason. Why blow up the whole marriage when you could just open up your relationship and get your sexual needs met elsewhere?
This is actually true of a woman on Reddit, who shared it history on the site Am I the Asshole? forum recently. Our OP (aka the original poster or the author of the post) is dealing with a classic dead bedroom issue with her husband and is on edge. She has proposed an open marriage to avoid divorce, but after her husband’s response, she now wonders if she was a jerk to bring it up. Read on for the full story and Reddit’s response.
Empty Nest Expectations
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OP and her husband, both in their 40s, have been married for over 20 years. Now it’s an empty nester and the OP expected their sex life to pick up once their youngest left. OP doesn’t have a particularly high sex drive, she says, but she would like to have sex once or twice a week. It doesn’t seem like she’s asking for much, but as the OP further reveals, she and her husband haven’t had sex in a while.
Dead bedroom
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In particular, six or seven months have passed since OP. she has had sex with her husband. He’s just not interested in being an active participant. he’s going to ask OP for a blow job, he explains, but he doesn’t want to reciprocate.
This has been a new issue for the past few months, OP adds, and she has tried to talk to her husband several times. “The only thing he’s said is that he’s tired or just not feeling it,” she writes. Understandably, it has weighed on the OP. It “destroyed my self-esteem” and made her question her appearance and whether she was still attractive.
An honest conversation
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Finally, the OP “had enough” and told her husband how insecure the situation made her. “He didn’t even care,” she said. He ended up putting the lack of sex down to a normal change that happens to “everyone” as they grow older.
After several attempts to talk to her husband about it, the OP said she finally brought up the divorce. “He begged me not to even mention it, that he needs me in his life, that we’ve been together for so long and there’s no reason for a divorce,” OP says. Her answer: that she cannot be expected to live without intimacy.
Trying an open marriage
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As a last resort, the OP suggested they try an open marriage. “He refused right away,” she says, telling her he could never accept the idea of being with another man. “I don’t know if I was a horrible person for bringing this up, but I feel miserable here.”
Reddit weighs in
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The OP asked Reddit if he was wrong to suggest an open marriage in this situation, and Reddit responded with a resounding no.
Many commenters were rightfully offended, on OP’s behalf, by her husband asking for oral sex without ever returning the favor. “Why do you give him bubbles if he doesn’t do anything for you? Say no,” one person wrote, while another called the difference a “deal breaker.”
Others suggested to OP’s husband. to make an appointment with a doctor to check his testosterone levels. “It’s not unusual for men to have big dips in their late 40s,” they said, which would affect the OP’s husband’s sex drive. A good point, but there’s still her husband’s complete lack of interest in the OP’s pleasure, and the way he shuts down any discussion about it…
One commenter asked if the OP’s husband still wanted to be married to her anymore or if they were “just comfortable” and (as other commenters added) he was getting enough positives from the marriage still (oral sex, general grooming) that it’s better for him to accommodation. But what about the OP? What does he get out of it at this point? This commenter advised OP to go on a solo vacation if possible and get some clarity about what she wants out of her life and relationships.
Another commenter noted that it makes no sense for the OP’s husband to divorce, but there are plenty of reasons for the OP herself to want a divorce. “You count. He doesn’t seem to get that,” they wrote. “He just wants you to stop bothering him about your needs and find a way to be happy without meeting them” — while the OP continues to make his life easier. This Redditor described the OP’s husband as “accepting” and told the OP that she should take care of herself since she clearly isn’t going to.
We agree and appreciate that these commenters are dealing with the heart of the matter (OP’s husband refusing to meet her needs) and not the symptom her post was framed by (his refusal to have an open marriage). It seems unlikely that opening up her marriage would actually do the OP any good at this point, because she’ll still be married to a man who obviously doesn’t value her. An open relationship, like a monogamous one, has to start from a place of mutual trust and understanding, and we’re not sure that exists in OP’s marriage anymore.
