You probably already know some things that kill your sex drive. Stress, lack of sleep, certain medications like SSRIs – these are all common culprits. When someone asks me why it can’t turn on, I usually start with that.
But there are other “stealth” sex drive killers that you may not be aware of. Here are four that get less attention, despite the research studies that support their results. Are any of these insidious offenders dragging your drive down? Let’s find out.
1. Monotony
The latest research on sex in long-term relationships proves what many of us have suspected for decades: sexual boredom can also I will they create distress in a couple, and especially women.
In a 2023 study*, the researchers found that above-average levels of sexual boredom were associated with below-average levels of partner-related desire. In layman’s terms, this means that women in long-term relationships are not cold or less sexual if they do not desire sex as often as their heterosexual partners. Chances are they are bored and it kills their arousal.
This study had a huge sample size (1500+ participants) and echoes what anthropologists have been saying for years: the idea that cisgender men are “naturally” more sexual and naughty than cisgender women is way out of date. Today’s sex data seems to prove just the opposite, that the female sex drive thrives on variety and innovation.
This is a great time to mention sex toys, which can be incorporated the sex life of a couple. Not only do they help close the orgasm gap, they introduce novelty right away – in a way that engages the all-important clitoral network! For my money, a solid sphere it’s all you need to start exploring. It’s a low-cost investment that can have a huge, positive impact on your sexual relationship as a couple.
2. Gut health
Either it is erectile dysfunction the difficulty arousal, modern research shows us the extraordinary connection between gut health and sexual health. There’s been a growing excitement around gut health in recent years (see the new Netflix doc Hack Your Health: The Secrets of Your Gut), but now we have too much data. Here’s what it says: the systemic issues of diet and food access in our culture need serious reform, and if you’re wondering why your sex drive is low, there’s a good chance your gut is playing a role.
Gut health affects everything from brain function, mood and sexual arousal. Until we have widespread changes, companies are stepping in to fill in the gaps, which is why you’ve seen so many products touting probiotics and prebiotics lately. Among the offerings out there, I’m a big fan of the brand Just Thrive, whose probiotic is research-backed and efficacy-based. Not all probiotic supplements or food additives are absorbed by your body, but this one is. Your energy and sleep quality will likely be the first benefits you notice, with arousal patterns following.
3. Mental Load
Another idea that is becoming more and more popular media attention and research: mental load and how it negatively affects sexual arousal.
If you listen to my podcast or read my articles, you’ve probably heard me mention how important it is to have a clean room for sex. But that’s not just because it’s a cool idea. No, carrying heavy mental loads does exhaustionleaving little energy for sex.
Examples of mental strain include:
- condition of your space, such as cleanliness and clutter
- remembers family members’ birthdays and plans gifts, messages or celebrations
- keeping a mental checklist of necessary home or car repairs;
- coordination of the domestic budget and finances
- performing childcare and/or coordinating childcare
Regardless of who performs these tasks within a couple, this mental burden often goes unnoticed – which is why we don’t associate it with a lower sex drive. Surprise! It’s absolutely a factor, and when the load is shared equally within a relationship, there’s more overall energy for sex and eroticism.
4. Red meat
Despite the old stereotype that “men” eat steak, the saturated fat in red meat is now shown to contribute to erectile dysfunction. Here’s why.
Download one An erection is all about healthy blood flow. But when arteries and veins are lined with saturated fat deposits from red meat, blood can’t circulate as freely. Blood flows to the penis through the arteries and stays inside when the veins close to “trap” it inside. Saturated fat deposits adversely affect both of these functions: blood can’t flow as freely through the arteries in the penis, and the veins don’t squeeze as hard to keep it in. (If you are facing this issue right now, might I suggest a penis ring? It does the squeezing for you, to keep the blood trapped inside and keep your penis hard.)
If you’re looking for a reason to incorporate more plants into your diet, erectile response often improves when red meat intake is reduced. And by the way, this also applies to those with a vulva! Although we only see a small part of it, the clitoral organ is quite large and wedged inside the body. It also relies on healthy blood flow to be adequately stimulated, so reducing red meat intake may also help people with this set of genitalia.
Are any of these sex drive killers secretly ringing a bell? Want to tackle one? Come find me on Instagram at @sexwithemily and let’s talk about it!
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*Study 2023 the University of Porto in Portugal, The Journal of Sexual Medicine
