Men are not young, but middle age is. The concept of a life stage between adulthood and old age was first described in a paper published in 1965 by Dr. Elliott Jaques, then forty-eight years old, a relatively unknown Canadian psychoanalyst and organizational consultant. He coined the term “midlife crisis” and wrote that during this time, we come face to face with our limitations, our limited capabilities, and our mortality.
When I was in graduate school in 1965, we read Erik Erikson’s classic book, Childhood and society where he described the Eight Stages of Man (when Erikson first described his stages of psychosocial development in the 1950s, “man” was synonymous with “mankind.”) As a young man, I was fascinated to reflect on the stages I had already completed, the one I was just starting and the ones I hoped to successfully complete in the future.
As a twenty-one-year-old “adult” in 1965, I was definitely experiencing both intimacy and isolation, and I was confused about whether I had completed adolescence since I was still confused about many areas of my life and my identity as a man. was clearly in doubt, though I tried to cover my fears with spirited bravado, and the Middle Ages seemed a lifetime away.
Chip Conley, The Emerging Male, and Why We Should Learn to Love Midlife
I first did Chip Conley shortly after he opened the Phoenix Hotel in San Francisco in 1987. I was designing a men’s retreat and his quirky hotel seemed like the perfect place. He went on to create a series of boutique hotels, Joie de Vivre Hospitality, becoming the second largest boutique hotel operator in the world. He later mentored the young entrepreneurs who started Airbnb and was named the company’s Head of Global Hospitality and Strategy.
Recognizing the need for a new understanding of middle age, he founded the Modern Elder Academy (MEA), the world’s first school of middle age wisdom. He is a living example of a man who embraces his calling life and happily moves forward into middle age. He invited me to read his latest book, Learning to love middle age: 12 reasons why life gets better with age. I agreed to read it and write a series of articles. This is the first one. The book has expanded my own understanding of the meaning of middle age, what we can learn, and how best to navigate the journey.
I wrote about my own understanding of middle age in a series of three books, Male Menopause, Male Menopause Survivor: A Guide for Women and Men, and Whole Men Program: Rejuvenate Your Body, Mind and Spirit After 40. In male menopause, which was first published in 1997 and became an international bestseller translated into 14 foreign languages, I described my understanding at the time.
“Male menopause (also called Menopause the Andropause) begins with hormonal, physiological and chemical changes that appears in all men generally between the ages of forty and fifty-five, although it may appear as early as thirty-five or as late as sixty-five. These changes affect all aspects of a man’s life. Male menopause is, therefore, a physical condition with psychological, interpersonal, social and spiritual dimensions.”
Most people at the time did not believe that men went through a “life change” similar to that experienced by women, or understood its relationship to middle age. I said,
“The purpose of male menopause is to mark the end of the first part of a man’s life and prepare him for the second half. Menopause is not the beginning of the end, as many fear, but the end of the beginning. It is the passage into the most passionate, powerful, productive and purposeful moment of a man’s life.”
In his passionate and powerful book, Learning to love middle age, Chip Conley says,
“In my opinion (and that of a growing number of sociologists), in a world with more and more centenarians, the average age can last from 35 to 75 years. Just as adolescence is a transitional stage between childhood and adulthood, perhaps part of the role of middle age is to be a transitional stage between adulthood and old age.” He goes on to describe three stages of middle age and notes that they are not just for men. Women have their own midlife journey.
Stages for the new middle-aged man
Here are the stages of middle age that Chip talks about in his book Learning to love middle age.
- Age 35 to 50 years. “We tend to experience some of the most challenging physical and emotional transitions—kind of like puberty in adults. We realize that we are no longer young, but we are not yet old, and we can feel that it is time to metaphorically shed our skin.”
- 50s (Age 50-59). “This is the core of middle age. We’ve settled into this new era and we’re seeing some of the positives.”
- Age 60 to 75 years. “This is the time when we are young enough to continue working and live a very vital life, but old enough to see and plan for what comes next: our senior years.”
I will be 80 this year. My wife, Carlin, is 85 years old. She is usually retired from her paid work, although she still sees a few clients. I am still active with work, although I recognize that we are at a different stage in life. Chip’s book is great for those who are not yet in middle age and want to know what lies ahead, those who are going through it now, as well as those of us who are in the next stage and thinking about our life’s journey in our “elderly” years. “
Chip continues with his personal description of middle age.
“At 63, I’m just getting used to this third stage, but I know it’s also when our body reminds us that it doesn’t want to be forgotten. Of course, not everyone experiences these three stages on the same timeline. Middle age is less an age than a feeling. And as in other stages of life, yours mileage may vary.”
For many of us, the third stage of middle age can feel like things are falling apart. I remember going through a period where I had one problem after another. First, prostate problems, then a diagnosis of an enlarged prostate and later fears of possible prostate cancer. The injuries of the past I thought I had overcome are back. My left shoulder had given out and my back started to bother me. In the winter I suffered frequent attacks of pneumonia. And it wasn’t just the physical changes. I also seemed to be going through mental, emotional and relational challenges.
Chip talks about The Midlife Unraveling.
“Middle age is the beginning of a time of tremendous transition. A drizzle of disappointments. Parents dying, children leaving home, financial bills, changing jobs, changing spouses, hormonal outrage, scary health diagnoses, addictive behaviors becoming unrelenting and the triggers of a growing curiosity about the meaning of life.” (What’s it all about Alfie?)
Chip offers a wonderful vision of a positive transformation in the midst of unfolding.
“When a caterpillar is fully grown, it uses a button of silk to attach its body to a branch and then forms a chrysalis. Within this protective chrysalis, the transformative magic of transformation occurs. Although it is somewhat dark, dark and lonely, it is a transition, not a crisis. And of course, on the other hand, it’s a beautiful butterfly.”
As someone who has passed from middle age to the next stage, I can offer this advice from Winston Churchill.
“When you go through hell, don’t stop.”
Easier said than done. When things are dark, dark and lonely, it’s not easy to feel like a butterfly emerging.
Check out the book and check in with Chip
My pre-publication copy of the book is all underlined and starred. I can’t wait to get a new copy when it comes out. You can visit Chip at his website, ChipConley.com to learn more about him and his work. You can also check out his latest TED talk, “An Alternative to the ‘Middle-Age’ Crisis.”
Best of all, his book, Learning to love middle age: 12 reasons life gets better with age it will be released in January and you can pre-order your copy now. (Be the first to get it and support the author. We love taking pre-orders. It encourages the publisher to fully support the book.) They also make great holiday gifts that will last a lifetime—a gift that keeps on giving.
If you want to follow me and my work, visit me at MenAlive.com and get our free newsletter with healthy articles and offers you can use to improve your life. You can also learn more about us Mission Moonshot for humanity and humanity.
