It’s not easy being a man in today’s world. The same goes for being a woman. Finding the right partner and creating a happy, long-lasting marriage is truly a miracle. In their book. In their book, A pair of miracles: A pair, more than a few miracles, Joyce and Barry Vissell share the journey of a lifetime. Joyce, Barry nurse/psychotherapist and doctor/psychiatrist, offers wisdom to men, women and couples who want to find the secrets to a long and successful life, career and marriage.
I have known Joyce and Barry for many years. My wife, Carlin, and I attended a couple with them to celebrate our tenth anniversary. Our marriage of forty-four years has been enriched by our time with Joyce and Barry.
Joyce and Barry have been married since 1964, have raised three children, written ten books, and helped countless people in their workshops and consulting practice. You can reach the SharedHeart.org. I recently did one podcast interview with Barry and we explored their work, the new book, Barry’s work with men, Joyce’s work with women and their joint work with couples.
I recently attended a men’s retreat with Barry and seventeen other men from around the country. It was a unique and wonderful experience that I recommend to all men. From the beginning Barry invited us all to be vulnerable and share the real challenges we faced in our lives. He started by sharing his, things that most of us hide, even from ourselves.
“We need to let our partners see us more deeply”
Barry said.
“We must feel and express our feelings. Men sometimes feel hurt or scared, but we’re often taught to keep it well hidden.”
Barry went on to share some of the real problems he and Joyce have experienced in their lives. As others shared, hearts were opened, tears were shed. We talked about our hopes and dreams and our losses and betrayals.
I shared my experiences, having been married twice before, and the shame I felt at being a “double divorced marriage and family counselor.” I talked about my forty-four year marriage to my wife, Carlin, and my fear and anguish at the thought of losing her.
Barry shared his own fears about what he would do if Joyce died. Other men opened up about broken promises and broken marriages. Several men had recently dealt with relationships that had recently ended and shared their pain and anger.
“Outwardly, we often present a strong, capable image,”
Barry said.
“Showing our human frailty to our loved ones gives them a very wonderful gift of love. When we feel sad, instead of masking it with activity, we can share it with a loved one. Instead of jumping into a posture of anger every time we feel hurt, the vulnerable and courageous approach is to reveal hurt feelings directly, without anger or resentment.”
Barry acknowledged that many of us have been in relationships with strong, capable, women. She encouraged us to also recognize “the little girl” that lives inside every woman in our lives.
When I got home after the retreat ended, I shared what Barry had said about “the little girl” inside. Carlin cried in recognition.
“I’ve spent my whole life taking care of others”
Carlin said.
“I haven’t done a very good job of taking care of the little girl inside me.
I held her and let her little girl be vulnerable, just as she has held me so often as I let the little boy in me reveal his worries, fears, and pain. I thought it was manly to suffer in silence, to be forever strong for others. But now I know that our vulnerability is our real superpower.
I’ve been kind of obsessed with life and death for a long time. When I was five years old, my father overdosed on sleeping pills when he became increasingly depressed because he couldn’t support his family doing the work he loved. Although he didn’t die, our lives were never the same. I grew up wondering what happened to my father and when it would happen to me. For most of my life I blocked out the horror of my childhood.
I grew up like many males denying my own vulnerability and imagining that if I was smart enough and successful enough I could overcome my fears and rages. At various times I acted as if I was lone wolf, top dog, alpha male, lone ranger, superman. I didn’t trust others, especially other guys, who I felt I had to compete with in order to get the women, money, power, and glory I craved.
That changed for me when I joined my first men’s group in 1979. Carlin has said on many occasions that the reason she believes we have had a successful marriage of forty-four years is because I have been in a men’s group for forty-five years. Our group continues to meet, although three of our members have passed away. I am now the oldest member of the team as I recently celebrated my 80th birthdayu birthday.
Carlin has also been involved in many women’s groups that give her the love and support that only women can give. We were also in a mixed group, which we call “The Village Circle”, where men and women can learn to love and support each other.
Joyce and Barry have had a similar journey and offer tips, retreats and more. You can get their latest information at SharedHeart.org. The world needs more miracles. We need each other and the world needs each of us to be the best men and women we can be.
We live in difficult times. Vaclav Havel, Czech politician, author, poet, playwright and dissident, offers an important truth for the times we live in.
“I think there are good reasons to suggest that the modern era is over. Today, much suggests that we are going through a transitional period, where something seems to be progressing and something else is painfully born. It is as if something is collapsing, disintegrating and exhausting, while something else, still undefined, emerges from the ruins.”
In a recent article, “Men and Relationships” Barry says,
“Over the years of working with men and their relationships, not to mention my own 59-year relationship with Joyce, I have seen certain central issues emerge.”
He goes on to list eight areas that are particularly important. Number eight is “Get Closer to Other Men.”
Barry says,
“Many men tend to isolate themselves from meaningful relationships with other men. I have noticed that many men are almost starved for father/brother love. Because of our fear of this need, we have pushed away half the population of the earth. Practice being vulnerable with other men and you’ll find that it becomes even easier to be vulnerable with your partner. Deepening your friendship with a man leads to deepening your friendship with yourself. And that allows you to become more accessible to your partner.”
Barry and Joyce practice what they recommend to others. Both Carlin and I have benefited from their wisdom over the years. You will too. You can visit Barry and Joyce are here.
If you appreciate articles like these, come visit me, Jed Diamond, here.
